Just like when we're born we have a genetic coding
that unfolds throughout the lifespan
our interactions with our family form our social blue print
the building blocks on which our "self", is structured
whatever interactions we have with our primary love objects therefore
lay the style or pattern of interaction we try and fit future love objects into...
So how do we dot his and how does it endanger us?
Well...We cannot actually go around asking others
to fit into or conform to our internal family drama.
Instead, we learn to manipulate and distort others
so they appear to conform to the blueprint we have
for establishing and maintaining relationships we learned
as children in our families.
Now please note that the other person whom we are distorting
is also manipulating and distorting us
to conform to his/her internal( family based) template.
No better example of this process and when we "fall in love."
Falling in love is the distortion of the other
to conform to your internal image of an ideal mate.
This ideal mate is based on your deepest relational needs,
which in turn are based on your internalized family drama.
At any given point there are three states of affect
directed towards the love object:
Attachment, Frustration & Rejection
The tricky bit is all these three are interdependent
so if you have one state you have all three
Hence any object we've identified with
will produce all three states of affect within us.
So you're attached to him, but he will frustrate you at times
and you will reject or feel rejected by him (or her)
Friends who point out the less attractive qualities of your boyfriend/husband
(of which you are in denial), (sometimes they highlight good qualities)
often surface your distortion process.
Perhaps they're seeing what you refuse to see...
However, mostly love prevails and you end up in a marriage
(of course that's why love is called blind)
or other form of committed relationship with a person you've distorted.
Keep in mind, the other person has engaged
in a similar process of distorting you
to conform to his/her internalized ideal mate.
Then, perhaps three years later,
you wake up one morning and realize
that you have no idea who the person lying next to you really is.
This is a critical point in the relationship.
You and your partner now have to decide
whether to invest the time and energy
into breaking through the distortions
and truly discovering the other
or to go your separate unhappy
Most of this is outside conscious awareness,
which makes it all the more powerful and difficult to resolve.
This constant distorting of the other
leads to relationships that are inherently problematic
in that we really do not understand the other
and we are unable to express our true psychological needs
since exposing those needs and vulnerabilities
would erode the manipulative pattern
that we have used to establish and preserve the relationship.
Then ask your self what's important to you
not what your parents told you is important
do you require space?
is it because you need it?
or you saw your parents not give each other any?
How important is togetherness
and how do you define it?
when doing something together
came to be looked at as trespassing on "space"
I realized how the was more space than togetherness
and it frightened me
when a list of calls and texts displayed a one-sided trend
it frightened me
when other persons displayed greater concern
it frightened me
I started on the new road knowing fully well
that sentiment had been eroded and needed to be mended
It frightens me to see a staus quo reality
and I need to be convinced that things have changed
for all involved not just me
