She: you're doing it again, talking about yourself in 3rd person
Me: hmmmmmm
She: you've always loved the confessional mode of writing
Me: this site is called confessions of a harmless kind
She: hardly harmless
Me: hmmmmmm

Its starting again
the restlessness
and i'm consumed by uncertainity,
and yes fear

"This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know..."

last night's shadow of a headache
is now full blown...
when she stepped, into the club
she realised tonight having fun
would take a bit of effort,

it had all the right things at exactly
the right time
there was the company of good friends
free alcohol
her favourite songs
and him...
at least he came in before the restlessness
turned outwards into irritation"
but the restlesness continued...
it took a short trip to the ladies room
and some self talk
so when she got back to her table
she was determined to have fun
but she was still steeped in ennui
and she didn't know why...
only later on the way home
when she snuggled into the
comfort of his arms did
she feel a sense of rest

One friday in march of 2003
Gio quoted john lilly
(in heavily accented english)
he said
"chao, You don't have to suffer
continual chaos in
order to grow".

that was then...
I look at my life now and think otherwise
I wonder it would be like sans the chaos
(force of habit? fear of change?)

in an attempt to check this spill over of chaos
into our relationship, I said to daykin
"I don’t want us to be one of those couples who thrive on conflict,
Whose relationship is defined by
one or the other being mad/dissatisfied
and the other one making up for it,
in this crazy back and forth dance...
which is just a sad attempt at avoiding boredom"

today I wonder...
is my restlessness my only sanity?
if I were calm and conflict free
what would life be???
blissfull existence
or perpetual ennui

While I'm in the mood to define my frequently used terms
so as to dispel any other interpretations/assupmtions of what I could mean
lets try and explore self-disclosure/knowing and un-veiling
Derrida wrote, “There’s no chance of … belonging to oneself enough …
and of succeeding in turning such a gesture toward oneself.
You’ll end up in imminence—
and the un-veiling will still remain
a movement of the veil”

I use words as my veil
and take seeing as means of knowing
(such a contradiction, to my religion)
sigh*
So What does it mean "to know"?
will I ever really truly "know"?
And know "what" exactly?

is this all just part of life
the limbo; the chaos
the loss of trust; the anxiety
(when I don't know, don't want to know)
the anger (or is it just hurt turned outward)
the need to know the truth
(not the counterfeit version)
the need to be behind-and-yet-with-the-veil
(your veil, my veil, the collective veils we keep)

"If I let you in, will you let me in?
Get underneath my skin
Let down your walls and let me see.
Rediscover you when you uncover me
Will you tell me? If I let you know"
(once more, i echo me)

And know "what" exactly?

wonders how D, always knows
lets D know...

I wonder what it is about certain people
that makes things that ought to be said unsayable;
so when I nevertheless try to say them
I find myself uttering nonsense
though I know I have sense to say...
and things thatI have to say make so much sense...
then the moments gone...I've not said it
and when i feel like i should say it,
its not the right moment...
so I type it in my folder entitled unsaid...
like so many conversations I have with you in my head

I can hear squeals of delight from my cousin's
who are now indistinguishable (except by size)
due to their holi shannanigans
I'm not playing this year,
I don't think I played last year
or the year before that, either...
but I do remember the time we used to play
all of us, the whole family...
everyone at Number 3. Gundavali
even the grown up's got into it,
with papa ceremoniously dousing my aunt M (aka.dragon )with a mug of water
or catching her unawares with a special balloon
(one that has been chilled in the fridge)

as a kid, pre holi rituals included
buying and then filling the tub with balloons
(half of them broke while filling!!!)
followed by a day of stealth bombing
of the wet kind...it became a holi war when
gender came in and it was boy's vs girls
my neighbours, bb,hez,reem and dez
and my cousins gen, gigi, han, n pinks
one year it got very dirty
with dez throwing dirty dishwater...
that was the year reem suggested we wear two tee's
we were slightly older and shy
and transparency was no longer a non-issue
hehehehe reem got married earlier this year,
and so did dez, bb is in London, gen in dubai,
gigi is working today, and hez is off for a bike rally
sigh*
only han and pink's remain to carry on...

when I was younger it was, "WATER ONLY CHRIS NO COLOR"
(my mother's voice echo's somewhere in my head)
then we graduated to colour, just gulal (pink)
:D
today I can see my cousins painted from top to toe
in purple green and even black!!
I feel all grown and distant from them
almost envious...
I didn't play this year,but yes,
I got the traditional smear of colour on each cheek
as my aunt kissed me and said
"happy holi to our very own splash of colour"

People are so busy executing life plans,
they don't realize they're living by accident
no one stops and enjoys the moment anymore
everyone is searching the bigger picture for what they want,
when what they want,
is in the little picture right in front of them...

Just as these thoughts went through my head
I thought about how tomorrow was holi saturday
(hehehe)
but it didn't feel that way,
perhaps because
I have not been bludgeoned with balloons
a few minutes later while handing Disha our notes
one fell splat in the middle of the two of us
splattering mud on my brand new cream churidhar
but instead of cursing the kid who threw it
I cracked up, and dashed off in the nearest rick...
so much for living in the moment...

miss you D

SHE: "I am coming to your blog after so long...i feel as though i was away on a cruise somewhere and you just grew 30 years older while my back was turned!
chrisann!! you are sounding even more ponderous that you have ever been!....you always were ponderous...but now you are unabashedly ponderous...and you are digging deep...."

My X was online and said hello
I really wanted to ignore
but then he mentioned jaundice
(and I just had to oblige)
but that doesn't mean I planned to be nice
he then tried the sympathetic approach
the topic of blood tests he did broach
the fear the pain when the needle does stick
why asked I innocently, when you too are a Prick?

"...because he can drive you up the wall
and then coax you down
as if you're the one who wanted to get up there
in the first place...
-Chrisann on B

Are we ethical in our relationships?
in the subtleties of right and wrong
truth and grey areas,
as we negotiate our emotional availability
(or lack thereof)
I have to ask what is "truth"? "honesty" and an "ethical relationship"
lets tackle these one at a time
Let me start by first explaining what I mean by relationship
(since people differ on ideas of what a Relationship is!!)
My idea of a "relationship" is individual, intimate, exclusive
its when I engage profoundly with one person,
and in turn the engagement of my significant Other
is absolutely essential...for an "ethical relationship"

(Now that we've got the basics covered lets move on...)
An "ethical relationship"
signifies not only the act of responding to each-other
(which completes the transaction of being in a relationship)
but also, implies taking an ethical stance of making
space for the OTHER to exist in ones life.
if you don't let the OTHER in...
then there is no relationship to begin with...

So it follows that an "ethical relationship" would involve
Responsibility, Accountability and Answerability

which brings me to truth and honesty
First off, as Nestor said,
"everyone must decide whether they want
the uncompromising version of the truth
or a counterfeit version"
I mean what’s the sense in demanding honesty
when its really not what you want to hear??
lie to me I promise I'll believe

I agree with him when he says,
"Recommend the truth to yourself at every opportunity..."
be true to yourself and to your OTHER
and then demand that in return

The ideal relation to the Other at its highest level
is of course, love itself...
Such an act may be unrequited,
as the differences and distances are too great,
but if we are ever to get beyond the vicious cycle
of self protection/ fear of failure/rejection or whatever
(that holds us back and keeps us alone, and SAFE)
it is essential to remain open-hearted
(yes hearted not "minded")
for the heart is indeed the centre of the mind

as Bertrand said, "Of all forms of caution,
caution in love is perhaps the most fatal
to true happiness"

if the OTHER doesn't feel let into your life
they would eventually stretch away,
in response to your cues of caution
for your cautious stance would be cuing your partner's insecurities
once trust issues surface, the maggots of doubt begin to breed
they will eat away at self assurance
and you can kiss your relationship goodbye

In summation...
and Most importantly is try not to attempt to recreate the Other
in the way you'd like them to be,
not a narcissistic representation, of one's own image,
but relating to the OTHER generously,
with openness to experience and attention to detail...
now go love and laugh...

he told me about the documentary he had done
on the Armenian Church in Chennai
This Church was built in 1772, has six huge bells
each weighing 200 kilograms hung in its tower.
These bells were cast in England,
shipped by the wealthy Armenian merchants
and donated to the Church...
half way through his facinating narrative he stopped
"I hope I'm not boring you" he asked with caution
(God Forbid!! I bore chrisann)
No you silly boy,
I wish I could tell you how much
I enjoy a subaltern view of History
and how I believe that 'History from Below'
is the only way to truly relate to the world at large...

and then...

I think you got tired of the apparent stagnation
you think you've reached with me
which is perhaps why last night,
you threw the ball in my court.
"three months" you said, take three months
Yet, more than a deadline for me,
(which you so subtly sprung on me)
I think you gave yourself three months,
to do, whatever fguring out you need to do

I happen to like the label "gifted" because it means to me that the child did nothing to deserve it. It means the child has a gift that was given to him and because he has that gift, he has certain responsibilities. He is not "better than," merely "different from." And with the gift goes the responsibility to use it.
-Walter Barbe- On GMA

Lately I'm troubled by how life is all about replacements
(you can practically replace anything and everything today)
and how I see so many things in life as replaceable
whether is the glass that went crashing to the floor
or the TV remote that doesn't work anymore
buts what's scary is when this extends to people...
and scarier when, I see
its not only me, with this replacing trend

I'd like to acknowledge my need for you
(need= different from dependency)

I want to be able to say, you're irreplaceable
the impact you've had on my life, in these few months
(7!! can you believe it)
has been tremendous,
(will not put a term here that implies +ve or -ve)
(its far beyond signficant) its unique
and cannot be replaced by substitutes
if you were to cease to be part of my life

I want to be able to acknowledge that,
there would be a void in my life,
one that cannot be filled by someone else,
by virtue of similarity,
I'd like to be brave enough,
to not only say this
but to live this
for its so strongly what I believe

Time for some male bashing...( for a change )
(Ha! I crack me up)
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one  would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of  marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

13 Things PMS Stands For 

    1. Pass My Shotgun 
    2. Psychotic Mood Shift 
    3. Perpetual Munching Spree 
    4. Puffy Mid-Section 
    5. People Make me Sick 
    6. Provide Me with Sweets 
    7. Pardon My Sobbing 
    8. Pimples May Surface 
    9. Pass My Sweatpants 
   10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 
   11. Plainly; Men Suck 
   12. Pack My Stuff 
13. Potential Murder Suspect 

we spoke of love and relating
and honest communicating
half way through while hearing myself
I began to wonder
How marriage had become the "M word"
and how I'd gone from "making love" to "having sex"
(not literally, but verbally)
a sudden awareness that quite freaked me out...
must pause and re-evaluate...
to me "having sex" has always implied mechanical
purely physical connections, without emotionality
the distinction used to be so clear,
with lofty idealistic statements
like "you have to be in love to make love"

I'm still a mushy woman
who believes in emotional connections
and can't feel the physical without the emotionally
therefore still believe in "making love"
and would like to be made love to
rather than have had sex with...

Love is for sharing
making love is about giving
and sex is sacred
a connection of bodies
that reinforces a connection of minds

right now I'm too tired to care

She: "Have you lost more weight??"
Me: Nope, I don't think so (straightening my shirt)
She: "Are you happy chrisann?"
ME: (laughing) Oh GAWD
She: "You smile, but your eyes...you have such sad eyes"
awkward silence followed...

In my head I said
The laughter is hollow
the smile is weak
the giggles are just remnants
of a broken little girl
being pieced into a woman

later that night

He: are you ok, you don't sound ok
Me: oh just tired...
He: You don't sound ok, I've never heard you like this before
Me: I said, I'm tired
He: but you don't...
Me (in my head..oh no here we go again...)

in a last ditch effort
to rescue the night from the darkness
I called my best Friend

She: "is it him?"
me: " No No"
She: " well we could imagine it was him"
me: "hehehhehehehehehehe"
She: "That stupid D----- always muckin up, can't get anything right"
me: "hehehhehehehehehehe"
I LOVE HER

Most of you who know about prodigal,
have heard of the famous call
the one that woke me one night
only to have him holler into my ear
BITCH QUEEN FROM HELL
and anyone who was close to me then
and perceptive enough knew
that I was quite taken aback
byt he call
by the choice of words...

today about three years since then
maybe more...
I stayed home as I have been feeling a tad ill
and instead of watching TV i picked up my copy of BJ
and there in one the of chapters were the words
---->BITCH QUEEN FROM HELL
it was like a revelation!
thats where he got it from!!!
he had taken it right from the very book he gifted to me
obviously expected me to get it..
perhaps one big joke
that I turned into a serious DIS
hai hai
sigh* prodigal so much potential
such a waste...

W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r
Maybe,
If I was prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, taller, smaller, richer, sweeter, sillier, more mature??
Maybe
If my hair was straighter, breasts were perkier, teeth were whiter, skin was darker or lighter??
Maybe
If I were another, some other, caste, creed or color?
What-ever you prefer,
Then May-be,
But I’m only,
ME.

"and I don't want the world to see me,
coz I don't think that they'd understand,
and if everythings meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am"
-IRIS

So often we're holding on so tightly to something
that we have no free hand open, to accept
what the universe is reaching out to give us...
let go open up
-c

The angst continues
She: don’t be so naive Chrisann everybody cheats

She: If you’re straying, it’s because you’re not getting
everything you want out of your relationship.
she: (nodding) yes so you seek it elsewhere…
besides for us its most often emotionally driven…
Me: but that’s like relinquishing all personal responsibility.
Agreed the evidence shows in most cases
you’re straying coz you’re seeking what you desire
and are not getting in your present relationship, but can you absolve yourself and justify your behaviour on the basis of “he’s not giving me what I want?”

really now..
Can we just put the blame on him?
Rationalize to make ourselves feel better,
so that it fits nicely into our self concepts,
“I don’t cheat, men cheat”
So if I’m cheating, “Its coz he did x,y,z to me”
Or most commonly, “I just did a,b,c, he did l,m,n,o,p first!”
So is cheating on some level revenge??
An unconscious urge to get back or get even?

Skinner said depression is the result of a person’s failure to get the desired reinforcers they want out of life…
I think perhaps cheating is the result of a person’s failure to get the desired reinforcers they want out of their relationships…

“Is nothing sacred anymore” I asked?
And the reply was an emphatic “NO”

It boils down to free will, choices my pretties
I’m not saying we’re not determined to a certain extent
by the actions of others but in our reactions,
we have a choice…
Its best to ask for what you want
I know it may sound so simple
And I also know how hard it is to ask,
most commonly deterred by the myth of...
“Why should I ask when you should know,
you ought to know”

and then the self questions tinged with fear
if i ask will I seem weak?
will I seem needy/demanding/pushy/complaining/dissatisfied
if I ask will he do it only because I asked
and not because he wants to do it?
asking is hard
but once you do ask its out there
not festering in your head somewhere

note to self: Please practice what you preach

ANGST ANGST ANGST
I hate being ingnored
(even if its just preceived)

So it comes down to this,
I've always wondered if I was the only one who felt that way
a shadow of the dreaded insecurity/dependency??
whatever it might be...its just plain scary
then... she says..."how come he never has time for me??
I'm busy too you know"
yes yes I agreed wholeheartedly,
yes how come we manage to find the time?
she continued, "and he he seems to have so much time for me"

"he really makes time for me... if he can, then why can't he"
I didn't know what to say
how to reassure her, I just shrugged un-helpfully
going round in my head were the lines I'd once said

I soon began to realize
This is how you’d always be
All things high on your priority list
And last of all was me

Then later more gurl talk about guys and phone calls

(we decided this angst applies to all friends, even girls,
but mostly to the men in our lives,
just because we'd like to think they really cared)

at first I was hesitant, (slightly shy)
but they seemed to be echoing the same sentiments
"I'll call you back"
should mean you'll call back, in a few minutes not in a few days
"I'll call you in five minutes"
should mean FIVE minutes (at the most 10) not fifteen not 5 hours!!!
"I'll call you later" is the worst!!!
coz I just wait and wait
and In my head I'm not waiting for your call
coz I have too much pride/I'm not that needy
(am I??)
but then again I am waiting, coz I'm randomly flicking channels
or trying to read (trying being the operative word)
and in a sense I'm waiting and then when the phone doesn't ring
all hell breaks loose in my head...
and I thought I was the only one
(ego centric@ me)
and then...
she: I keep checking my ringer maybe its on silent maybe my battery died
SHE: Me too
Me: ME THREE
and l-a-t-e-r never comes
(how much later is later???)
(l-a-t-e-r is so F#$%^&* SAFE!!!)
Me: "I HATE "I'll call you later"
SHE: "Me too!!!"
She: "I prefer, I'll call you when I can"


"I'll call you when I can"
Male speak translated---> if i don't call means i'm really busy and can't
call so when i do eventually call, or if you call before which
you probably will, don't give me grief

She: I hate it when they don't reply to sms
Me: (nodding vigorously) Yes I use sms coz I don't wanna intrude by calling
and they make it worse by not replying, I mean I WAS being considerate
she: how long does it take to type "ok"

She: not its worse when they cut your call
Me yeah, totally it's ok if they call back from the land line immediately
she: yes only if they call immediately, otherwise its just plain rude
me: so if they sms and say i'll call you in some time
She: not I'll call you in sometime...
Me: ah yes sometime is as bad as later...you should work out a code,
if you cut a call, it has to imply calling back
she: ya ya,cutting a call is really bad.
Me: really bad, i mean the damn thing even says REJECT

today's my gran's birthday
I thought, I'd post a poem I wrote for her...

When it comes to mother’s
Its certain I have two
One of them is mom,
And Nani one is you

Your gentle hands lined
with work of all the years
The very same hands that
Reach out to dry my tears;

You’ve always been someone I could run to,
When life was hard to bear
Someone to patiently listen,
Someone to really care.

Thank you for loving, and understanding me.
And all the little things you so thoughtfully do
One of life's special gifts,
Is having a Grandma like you.

There's something rare and wonderful,
God placed in Nani’s heart;
Something he knew a child like me
Would need, right from the very start.

I think now of all the times
You’ve struggled to pass life’s tests.
No matter how hard it got
You made sure you did your best

With a prayer on your lips,
A sweet smile on your face
Living your life with courage and grace
Every step worthy of praise.

Heaven has a place reserved
For all people good and kind;
But I have a little Heaven on earth,
In the nani I call mine.