"love treid to welcome me but my soul drew back...gilty of lust and sin, love tried to take me in love tried to break me"
I've talked a lot about love and relationships on this blog,
examples from my life and lives of friends etc
I've never really talked about what it is to love me
what it takes or what happens to me or the person who dared
I guess I never wrote about it coz I wasn't brave enough
even now as I type I'm scared...to elaborate
Given the fact that I've had body image issues for years
(oh yes I have no image in my head of my body)
I never had a fear of being unloved
I have just always known that I have so much love to give
that I was waiting for a vessel to pour myself into
fill it up, an insatiable sponge like boy
thirsty and needing my love to slake his thirst
but this is still me loving
what about me being loved?
I worry that I have as yet no clarity
on the exact neural network that the pattern would evoke
but I know this, I take a lot of convincing
loving me is hard
and I make it harder
is love like trust earned?
tom robbins compared love to an "outlaw"
like an outlaw, love lives by no rules
so words like "safety", "security"
well they do not exist in love
to love me is to feel unsafe and unstable
to love me is to worry about the next mess I'm goign to make
to love me is to care about the crazy kids i talk to
to love me to t love my nani
to love me is to put up with my mother
to understand my father
to get along with my friends
and be interested in my work with women
to love me is to ignore the many boys who will chat me up
ask me for my number (in front of you) or send a drink to our table
to love me is to frequently want to beat up people who hurt me
to love me is to lie in the dark and comfort me
dry my tears with little butterfly kisses and rock me to sleep
to love me is to know which night I don't want to talk but let my tongue to the talking
loving me is hard and I make it no easier
when I second guess you
to love me is to make sure I can love you too

Early Halloween...and things that go bump in the night...
So this weekend, I threw a party ,
one of three parties I throw in a year...
theme: halloweeen, early, I know because A said no one would come to my party on a wednesday night
so there was I in black satin with my horns glowing red
my green eye shadow and my boys jack, jose and johnny amongst others...
and my friends :) who were lovely and brought presents!
eM we missed you...drunk dialed you and made incoherrent sounds
KVA wore the mask from scream
and A came as himself which is supposed to be scary enough
there were bat cut outs on the wall
and stange orange fruits like mini jack-o-lanters
and skeleton lolly pops
and a scary story game
where each one picks a chit out of an empty malteasers box
reads a line and starts a story stops the next person picks up a chit and continues from
where the previous person left off using the new line...i had made several chits,
they had something like "the coffin creaked open and I saw..."
to which all the responses (from the boys) had the words doobie
and finshed off with a chours of "oh yeah"
everyone left by around 4-4:30
only to head for the after party next evening at Zenzi
remember sunday salsa?
well yep
there we were again
recovering from the night before with apple martini's and prawns in dashi sauce
my thighs hurt
i have holidaze
and the book i'm reading
gets the juices flowing
speaking of juice i'm gonna go get me some...
i am so tangential tonight tsk tsk

"I'm not a fan"...and other funny things boys say to me...

sunday salsa at seven
place: Zenzi
a free class for beginers
so away went we
him n me
he's valet averse
I wear high heels
so he usually drops me off before he goes
a zillion miles away to park

(tangent: one cold winters night in december, christmas eve actually, the night the wind chill factor caused frost bite in the desert, daddy decided to park 2 blocks away from the church causing me to run thru icy rain soaked gravel in pencil heeled boots to avoid turning into the snow queen)

So slasa at seven on sunday
I alighted and walked in
within 10 secs of entering a boy had asked me to dance
which is very odd see
I've always had this thing that boys never ask me to dance

countless catholic weddings and not one dance later
I'm taken aback when not one but four ask
i'm safe when I pull out the I'm waiting for someone card
and soon he's there pulling and pushing
as we attempt to salsa
during the break
I hear a boy call my name
chris?
I'm looking at him
but can't seem to place him
you know me from somewhere I ask?
yes I recognized you from your blog
he's beaming
Oh ok I say
very shocked
when I meet a reader in person
oh you read my blog
i say rather incredulously
as if I'm unaware that 30 odd people hit this page daily
yes i read it he says follows it up with
and no I'm not a fan he says hurriedly
ok i said
i tapped HIM
He turned to my un-fan
he reads my blog i said
i'm not a fan said un-fan
rather impolitely
the appropriate response would have been hello
so you're not a fan
so ok
so at least you made one post

Nostalgic Me

Below I've listed out a bunch of old DD serials we used to watch
(way back when cable was still nascent)....
Oh Boy just thinking of 'em still cracks me up...
Here They Are...
MungeriLal Ke Haseen Sapne. (Remember the eye twitch thing:)
PHATICHAR. ( the whole hobo pipe thing.........and the erratic running about)
Mr. Yogi ( Mr. Yogi Mr Yogi Sing it...........Mr. Yogi Mr. Yogi , hey didn't he die?)
KaramChand (India's very own sherlock complete with carrots and Kitty!!!!)
Hello Inspector. (hello hello hello hello.Inspector..............hehehhehee)
Ek Shoonya Shoonya (100)...(Was in Marathi but I bet you'd remember this wannabe detective flick.)
SIGMA.(You have just gotta remember this Star Trek meets Jupiter moon flick....sheesh remeber Jupiter Moon?)

Ok Lets do this...
everyone's gotta write a how to poem about themselves....

because Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

How to be a chris….

Load up on chocolate, sugar will suffice
Wear pink
Acquire a taste for celibacy & spice
Shop
Make sure your eyes can lie
Learn to whine. Cry
Be a walking contradiction
Within your chaos, order will thrive.

Damn regret, I'll try to forget Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined
Cast my line to see what's behind Did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?

I found my old diary and the contents made me cry
it made me feel as if my first real love was one big lie
I flipped its dusty pages my words looked up at me
the hurt the pain the conflict in ink for all to see
and then i found the last page, page seventy three
which had on them, his last true words to me
"I never stopped loving you, I just stopped telling you"

Don't Judge the Juice By Its Colour and other clever things chris says
Decide once and for all if you want a relationship or a relationshit
Controll is an illusion
Barbadi Dot Com
Chaotica: Chaotic C (chrisann) A (my last name)
Masquerading weed
Ugly is as Ugly does
Love is Bind
Havanly (pooja context)
Strunk (stoned + drunk)
Appsaholic
gave him my come wither look
Dont you wish your girlfriend was NOT like me
words unmeant can't be unsaid
Hormone Hostage
Investment wanker
Once you know how can you continue to ignore?

HA HA HA

"I ain't saying she's a gold digger...."

Courtesy A


THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/439983703.html

What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically: - Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? - Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there? - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out? - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER Dear Pers-431649184: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know. **********

The Advice: Dear Pers-431649184: I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom). I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match. I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts. The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow? What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him. Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses. And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour). I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

" hold me now...I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down ...

Curious is our permanent state of mind…
curious of a more pensive than nosy kind…
book stores set for us that stage
where our natural curiosity can find its release,
I know you feel this too
though the thought may only now cross your mind,
since I sort of brought it up…in the way I usually do

I love to go with you to book stores
its our area our kind of scene,
like the familiarity of travellers
when they return to places they have been,
books we’ve read are the monuments we’ve already seen,
there are of course other books galore,
like places we have yet to explore…

you’re in science fiction
I'm in Indian writing in English,
every book we read or look in and see
is a reflection of ourselves
our individuality
I pull down a book or two, hold it up,
I know the title grabs you,
we smile at each other knowingly….
I find another book by him,
you recognize immediately his name,
I flip through the pages
disappointment casts a shadow on my face,
you know its because I think the paper quality is not good enough,
you get why I won't buy books at signals
but why I'll download mp3's

We scour the shelves,
sometimes together mostly apart,
I walk up to you, I hold up a book,
I'm holding "flirt",
you smile you hold up "stumbling upon happiness"
You get it…you get me.

"if someone said three years from now it will be all gone..."

SOUL FRY

Why must A make stupid mallu face?


A and his bevy of beauties...
D gets horny with C