I wish I could defend this, I wish this could be denied
sometimes I wish they hadn't asked, sometimes I wish I'd lied

Its always hard to face the facts when life is laid threadbare
and if I could wish for a constant thing, I'd wish that you'd be there

I'd rather have nothing at all, than live a life of lies
for if this is a choice we both have made then what's the point of Why's

Wanna eat the world's best VADA PAV?
sure, I said, and I did
standing on the roadside in THANE
with a strip of news paper
glued to the underside of my chin
(to prevent the escape of even the teeniest crumb of
the worlds best vada pav from my hungry lips)
I bit into the hottest, yummiest, vada pav ever!
first comes the contradicting sensations of
the piping hot vada and the cool pav
then the flavours burst across my tongue
the spicy potato flavoured with coriander
the red garlic chutney and surprise element
Chilly pickle! YUM!
all washed down with a glass of Kokum soda
(the kokum guy's right next door to the vada guy, very convenient)
a dining experience I will always remember

Miles Davis once said, "music is as much about the silence as it is about the notes, without silence, music is just noise, the silences are what defines music" similarly distance defines relationships...not brief moments of contact.....anyone can sustain the exciting intensity of brief contact, (like a dopamine orgasm ) and deliberately distancing oneself in order to make the brief contact more appealing is just playing it safe to be emotionally unavailable.....in a relationship, i assume my partner is with me for certain reasons, so when i'm not feeling the connection, i'm immediately looking at whatever I can do to correct the situation, but I've realised that connections have two ends; that i don't enjoy the sound of one hand clapping
and that I cannot fix something I did not break.....

when all our dreams are confetti on the floor, not soaring high like they were moments ago, will you let me know?

Ok, So I returned to mumbai only to take off a week later to Bangalore
The weather is lovely here, its got a real wintry feel
and I'm getting some much needed rest
This afternoon I was curled up with a book
and my gran darted into the bed room
with a conspiratorial air about her
she whispered inaudibly as she shoved
something into my palm
it was three squares of "milk cream"
"I've been saving them for you" she said
and watched while I ate them
as if awaiting a response
It was of course immensely in favor
of more, which I was told with a certain
smugness that it was all devoured by Meg
incidentally, I'm primarily in blr for meg's party
we visited the venue, a food court at
an IT park, Home to offices of IBM, Synergy et al..
Believe me I could smell the testosterone when I walked in
LOL
party's tomorrow I'm hoping for a sunny day
love Blr in small doses
especially the Domlur club
but only with my hon

welcome back entirely elementary
I know you never really left but
its good to know you're back
:)
and i'll be back in mumbai tomorrow
(inshallah, as they say out here)

"excited to go back?"
he asked

"of course" I replied,
"I'm always dying to get away
and then dying to return"

S-i-g-h
well it has been lovely
and I've been having oh so much fun
(between horrible migraines)
driving way out into the desert to the borders
and just taking a u-turn and driving back
I drove a pajero myself!
and a dune buggy all day

and took lovely long boat rides

and petted a tiny miniature pony

and found a deserted beach

ate smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwiches

as I realised that sea green wasn't just the colour of
a dress hanging in my closet, it actually did exist in nature
had loads of pictures taken
and went out for posh chinese
and have eaten so much
that I'm seriously F-A-T
but all this ends tomorrow
when I return to India
back to work n my peeps


a HUGE apology to dee n Dish
whose birthday's I confused
will get back and make it up to you two

He thought he hung up but he didn't
I should've hung up but I listened

how do you react to something like that?
and when you know, how can you continue to ignore?

I should've hung up, but I didn't
perhaps I should tell him I listened

Why do i bother?
why?
why can't I just leave well enough alone

but yes every action has its consequences......
(and consequences aren't always determined by intentions behind action)
and I must live and learn....

"Hope dangles on a string Like slow spinning redemption Winding in and winding out The shine of it has caught my eye And roped me in So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing I am captivatedI am
Vindicated I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right Swear I knew it all along ....Trace the moment, fall foreverDefense is paper thin....Just one touch and I'd be inToo deep now to ever swim against the currentSo let me slip away.... So let me slip against the current So let me slip away....and hope Dangles on a string Like slow spinning redemption...."

Well theres nothing like sheer determination to pull you out of it
Or lots of sleep
Lets hear them saying I look awful tonight!


Oh and in other news…. My neighbours (who’re a constant source of amusement to me) the little ones (2 sons)have now acquired english language skills, three sentences in English to be precise
“hello, how’re you?” (to which they immediately reply)
“I am fine” (as if they were conversing with themselves)
and
“what is this”

now imagine being only able to say these three lines
mix them up, reverse the order and spew each time my door opens or you spot me on the street a block away yell
“hello, how’re you, I am fine what is this!!”

So since I've gotten here all i've done is be sick
(and eat and shop) but mostly been sick
mymumbai cold-turned into a sore throat
which turned into a full blown cough
and a fever that just wouldn't leave
then came the headache from hell
and all anyone can say to me is
how awful you look, how thin you've become
"look at her face, so small and shrunken in"
"you look like a real kiddo"
erm......
please please ladies and gentlemen slow down
your comments are killing me

s-i-g-h

oh and i might just have to wear glasses....

up up and away i went
such an eventful journey
firt while getting my boarding card
the kuw airways guy offered me a paper flower he had made
I politely declined, I was worried about the weight of my luggage
As I filled up my immigration form, in my peripheral vision I was suddenly aware of gujju looking man staring at me
:P
At immigration after I handed over my passport the officer
Her superior rudely interrupted, reprimanding her in marathi
for allowing 2 fake passports to go by
she looked ready to cry
and I pretended not to understand a word he was saying.
I was worried she might not stamp my passport or stamp it incorrectly
she put her head in her hands,
and I told her to take deep breaths, and massage her temples
she said she was tired and had a persistent headache and that her kids were troubling her, i told her I understood it wasn't easy working weird hours and going through so many documents...
she stamped my passport, I thamked her, as I started to walk away
she asked me what I did for a living, I told her
and she started to laugh out loud
have a nice day I said and proceeded to gate number 6
at security just as my pink (see-through)bag was coming thru the x-ray machine, the cop bellows to the other cop, "lighter walla kahan hai"
"chala gaya" she said, "B!@# C*&^%" he bellowed out, and strode toward gate 5 hauling "lighter walla" right back, my pink pag had come thru now and lay at the bottom other bags were crushing it, I was worried about my stuff....suddenly angry cop stamped my tag and I was free to go, can't say the same about "lighter walla" though
I walked over to gate 6 and sat down
and out of nowhere came gujju looking man and sat down beside me
OH GOD I said in my head
i don't know the opening line of the conversation but yes gujju man
actually drawled on a gujju/american accent asking me if I was headed to chicago....then about my perfume and how when he smelt it at immigration it reminded him of someone he used to know
he said his name was :manish" and put a hand forward and said "good to meet you"
I refused to shake his hand told him "we didn't meet, you just asked me a bunch of questions"
he stayed silent before getting up and asking me to watch his ugly brown bag while he went to fetch water to take his pills.
for emphasis he waved a bottle of pills at me...
he returned and thanked me profusely as if i had saved his life
he set a full glass of water down the pills were no where to be seen
he then proceeded to offer me that! glass of water!!
"I got it for you" he said, "i didn't ask you to" I said in my most rude voice
you might think that, that should've been enough to make him shut up
but Nooooooooooooooooooooo Mr persistent gujju
goes on to say wow you're rudeness is so attractive....you smell like a godess, you refuse to shake my hand I get you water cause you're coughing and you refuse that as well....I interrupted him, "Look can't you take a hint??? I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I'm ill and I'm not interested in making conversation, shaking your hand or drinking water"
gujju man finally shut up!!!
s-i-g-h





and sighed

Bogged down
and
barely keeping head above the surface
with unprecedented flood of tension filled events
none of which I should be dealing with at 23
but "should's" have never really applied to my life
but you know,
when the going gets tough..... call daddy!

And I wonder

If you still think about me
When you're alone in bed

And I wonder

If you still think about her
When you're thinking about me
(ERIK MAX)

I've been busy
so posting hasn't been priority
but hey, I'll always come back to post eventually....
I'll be dealing with distance soon enough
and I'll be missing

I'm leaving next sunday

"I feel I should spend more time with you" he said

and then quickly added "Do you think that's a good idea"

DUH!

its been lovely

I loved His page when I saw it....
had to post a poem I liked

All you ever gave me (was tomorrow).

Why can't we forget?
We know better
But we still
Fall in love
No future
For us now
Is the only thing
That is truly real
And men and women
Like us
Should be what they seem
But that
Isn't always the way
Things happen
Sometimes regret
Is all that you have
And all I have to say
Is that
All you ever gave me
Was tomorrow

ERIK MAX FRANCIS

I still can't sleep...

and I feel this compulsive need to explain....

I see us, as based not only on what I percieve you to be,
but also how I percieve, your perception of me....

which is why the constant recognition of the connection
and the joyful realization that there exists one other in the universe
who's dealing with darkness and for whom sub atomic particles make sense....

Its not just the wit, the thrill, the chemistry or the happiness
that such companionship brings
but the sense of freedom that comes from the willingness to trust someone
to let someone in....


My darling I adore you

It took me by surprise,
(nearly knocked me off my feet)
the first time I saw him...
I could do nothing but stare

In hind sight I thought and still think
that the nose is different and yes even the chin
but Oh he is so much like Him...

He burst into my room today
(with some of the kids who come regularly)
it annoyed me I was not prepared
To meet him....a little clone of him,
looking like him and acting just as familiar
was so strange, I felt I was outside looking in
He introduced himself....
I tried not to stare
it was hard
he perched himself at the edge of my desk
smiling all the while....
just like him

years later he still upsets me

how long can a girl be shackled to you?
how long before my dignity is reclaimed?
how long can a girl be haunted by you?
soon i'll grow up and I won't
even flinch at your name

How can I tell you about the demons that haunt me
what sight or resemblace stirs up inside
what lies beneath? but hurt and pain...
churned up and spit out again and again?
The self condemnation that follows
and the the guilt for putting myself through it
years later he still upsets me....
like creatures, you can relate
I know you know what I know

I spooked the workers on the roof
who looked at me as if I were trespassing!
yesterday the terrace seemed large and lonely
Today I craved its solitude...

By all means use sometimes to be alone.
Salute thyself; see what thy soul doth wear.
~George Herbert

I shhhhed a rooster on the roof
who crowed at the setting sun
as if it were rising!
In defiance when he heard me
turned his back, cocked his head
and crowed instead of being embarrassed
I shhhhed again, the mindless bird
louder still, making sure he heard
the foolish cock appeared to be
nonchalantly mocking me
swishing his red plume from side to side
disregarding the fading light
trying hard in his cockrel way
to re-create the fading day

(D, suggests jet lag by way of explaining strange cock)
the one on the roof, that is

Ok its only fair My top ten most romantic songs to sing to a guy

1. Head over Feet---------------------------> Alanis (works both ways)

2. By your side------------------------------> Sade

3. Everything-------------------------------> Alanis
line that reminds me of you: "and you love my dark.....and you're still here"
4. Surrendering-----------------------------> Alanis
line that reminds me of you: "i'll salute you for your patience....in the face of adverserial forces that i represent"
5. Pieces of me------------------------------> Ashley simpson

6. Iris---------------------------------------> goo goo doll's
line that reminds me of you: "when everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am"
7. Dear Ben/(insert name here)-------------> Jennifer Lopez

8. you make me feel like a natural woman----> Aretha Franklin/ kelly clarkson
line that reminds me of you: "you make me feel like a natural woman..."
9. thank you---------------------------------> Dido

10. in the arms of the angels----------------------------------> Sarah McLachlan
line that reminds me of you: "You are pulled from the wreckage, Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel, May you find some comfort there"

Graffiti: hint hint

"If I'm sleeping and you want to wake me, don't shake me just take me!"

The greatest lies of all time:

1. I love you
2. This won't hurt a bit
3. I was just going to call you
4. I'm fine
   
5. Of course I'll respect you in the morning

C.Yerkes reminded me of him

he said the didn't want to see me hurt
does that mean he closed his eyes while I cried?

pick me!! I've fallen for you

Ok top ten most romantic songs to have a man sing to me....
make me weak in the knees and thoroughly pleased....

1. Head over Feet-------------> Alanis
2. This is no ordinary love-----> sade
3. The scientist----------------> cold play
4. Ain't no sunshine------------> Bill wither's
5. Wonderwall-----------------> oasis
6. My everything--------------> Barry white
7. sunday morning ------------> maroon 5
8. DnD------------------------->Semisonic
9. angel------------------------> robbie williams
10 and I love her---------------> The Beatles

De Profundis
Dorothy Parker
Oh, is it, then, Utopian
To hope that I may meet a man
Who’ll not relate, in accents suave,
The tales of girls he used to have?


surprise me

"It had been years since I'd last seen you
But not years since I'd last thought of you....

And I couldn't help but think
Of what might have been
We got along so well --
But then you always had to leave
While I always had to stay
I'm sure you've found someone
While I'm still looking for the right person
And I can't help but think
That you might have been her
And that I missed my chance.....
My phone rang at eight this morning....
And if I'd thought about it at all
I would have realized
That you were....
Probably somewhere .....
Your mind on anything but me
But for a split second I thought it was you
And I was so happy
But you don't even have my number
Or my address or any way to contact me
Perhaps that's the way you planned it
At any rate the person on the phone
Was someone I didn't know
Who had dialed the wrong number
But feeling your presence again
I can't tell you what that was like
But I know you don't feel the same
And so, I guess
This is good-bye
I'm so sad that I missed my chance
With you...."

you're three years too late....
I'm sorry things turned out this way
but I've grown too, I'm not the girl you knew

Combattez la misère qui s'infiltre en dedans,
jour et nuit et jour encore
Comme toujours moi maintiens silencieux,
espérant par exemple changer le votre intention

Fighting the misery that seeps within, day and night and day again
Like always I keep silent, hoping by example to change your intent

there comes a time, when limits are reached,
when sweet temper's sour, reach a peak
when the world around seems way too bleak
yet hope springs eternal

when its me against them, they against him
when my considered decision's
seem like menstruation induced whims
perhaps its finally clear in my head
so what's if its prompted by something he said?

my eternal hope spring
does the most wondeful things
like that mid-dinner sms
simple little gestures that I love best

She spoke of fleeting glances, across our crowded city,
chance sightings, that sudden surprise....
I remember one such sighting,
I watched you drive by, and in that briefest moment
I felt I'd watched a stranger go by,
to me you were a distant entity,
I headed in the opposite direction almost immediately
contemplating the loss of our connectivity
while the phone in my hand buzzed almost instantly
it was you calling me
the universe seemed right as rain
connection restored once again

"you, my darling, are not an easy personality to handle...between fiction and reality you live.... with your own demanding little attitude and egoistic view....HOWEVER....
you are not to marry in doubt of the stability of a relationship....

you, my darling...are not to marry in doubt of little ignorant habits and behaviors...
you should considder happiness with overwelming support from you own spirit ...."

Do parents really know best?

repeatedly put to the test
I look upwards for deliverance....

you've sunk solo
sunk so low
the water is salty
salty like tears
viscous like your fears
its too late
drowning in a mess you've made

I live a world whose survival is contingent
on actuality, I'm trapped in reality

incompatible with quixotic me

I chase a skein of nothingness
down my arm, to my wrist

in my head a thousand thoughts turn

what do you know about discovering desire?
or the cessation of it

If I only had one dream, this would be more than it seems.

I've been eating loads of chocolate these days....
the empty wrappers and diminishng supply, my only proof
or perhaps the pounds i'll quietly pile on....

"thats a lot of chocolate" she said
my hand paused for a second over the malteaser pail....
but only for a second, as I grabbed my second handful

"i need to get the bitter taste out of my mouth" i said by way of explanation
"what bitter taste?" she asked, oh how i dislike her persistence...
bitterness of me
i said in my head
walking off

Every wish is manifest discontent
Every held back words, stays a thought, of silent pain
Behind everything you choose to lose, lies a hidden gain.

figured it out yet?

I'm usually right about the wrong in people.
I have to be, its most often a projection
of whatever is wrong in me.
(BTW I GOT COLOUR!!!!!!)

Chaos demands to
be recognised
and experienced
before letting itself be converted
into a new order.
< Herman Hesse >

if I get recognition
will I be open to conversion?
and be me yet not me?
PTCH!

I rushed out of my house this morning, my baby boy was crying
and I was so very late for his open day at school
I couldn't get a rick, and suddenly this familiar looking guy
sitting in a rick says, "Hi, you're going to school? I'll drop you"
"yes I am...oh great thanks" I said climbing in, parasol et al
The rick started to move and I asked him "so you work at seepz"
"no" he said "I'm at Godrej, Vikhroli"
I looked at him puzzled..."so why are you going via MIDC?" I asked
"Coz I'm dropping you" he said with a smile
in my head my jaw dropped, anyone who knows the roads I'm talking about
know the s#$T load of traffic we combat every morning, this morning it was even worse and here he was taking this insane detour to drop ME!
I mumbled thanks, even offered to pay, but he didn't let me
I thanked him profusely when I got off, even mentioning the insane detour
and as I walked to work I realised I didn't even know his name.
sigh
chivalry is not dead

There’s much ado about feeling nothing
Numb inside and terrified...

Silently in bed,
My tears said to my pillow
I’m trying

I know that lately you've been feeling down n low
so I'm hoping some tender talk will set your heart aglow
I know its not much of a birth day
when all of your friends are so far away
I wish that I could give you a reason for rejoicing
and surround you with affection that only care can bring
All of the best of love and life for you,I wish I could bestow
but mostly I'd gift you my understanding, if only I could know!
How can I make this day special, how can I contain my mirth
How do I explain why I'm so glad, on YOUR day of birth
There's not much a girl can do, and its really not fair
to feel all celebratory, when you seem, not to care
I attempt to with a poem, heartfelt and true
and even dare to say happy birthday to you
my hon, my hot one, my boo

These days
I can't seem to get it right
at odds with the universe
and completely in the dark
so I attempt (apologetically)
to make it up
to Him and Him,
to whom time and space mean nothing
and the other everything

One who now knows
and yet understands
I feel stripped naked bare
and yet what you said
shows comfort and care
they say that a true friend is one who knows you and still loves you
Thank you
One
who knows that mirrors don't lie
and understands the truth hurts...

A year ago, (re-posted) I had this random obnoxious boy at a party grab my arm and say "you look bored, take a walk with me "

so I did just to humour him, besides I was bored

then he says "guess wht I do for a living"
and I said "work in a call centre?" :D hehehhehehehee

and he says "I'm directing my 1st film"

so I was like, " oh you're in film school"

and he's like "no no"

"is it a documentary of some sort?" I ask hopefully

but he says "no no its an ACTION film"

I almost gagged "oh " I said "commercial Hindi cinema"

argh @#$%^&*

"I assisted on murder" he says proudly

sheesh not murder!!! like thts something to be proud of!@#$%^&*

Follows that horrific revelation with, "my new film's called zeher... the poison"

had to pinch self, but was laughing already...
had to put this up here so u can laugh too...
that was a year ago

well the film was made and did quite well
I met this same boy last night
not so random, still obnoxious and unapologetic for it
entered swearing loudly in hindi
every second word was F@#K which I do believe
has become a syllable in his conversations
of all the 8 people there, he sat across from me at dinner
started off with telling everyone about the sex toys
he bought while shooting on location and
I braced myself for an evening with trash mouth...
but beneath the veneer of "such audacity!"
was just a boy, "striving for superiority" (as Adler would put it)
he actually said some very very intelligent, relevant things
my condescension was humbled...

These days I do not watch much T.V
I've re-discovered my first love, reading
I now actually have the time to curl up
and read for pleasure :D

These days my Hon provides the pleasure
(of a different kind ;)
with "Maximum city", and chocolate-walnut fudge
(my favourite)
I devour both with equal and un-ashamed greed

These days, I refer to reading "maximum city"
as spending time with Suketu
I'm almost through with the book
and his words they jump so easily
off the page and into my minds ear
as easy as conversation, so when I read,
I feel as if he's talking to me
hehehehe I feel narcissistic and silly saying this
but its all true
:)
These days strangeness feels familiar

"you've put on weight" he once said...I couldn't eat a thing for 3 days after...
that was then
I wish I could say I no longer subscribe to other people's standards, its just that mine are impossible enough...
Now
just to prove that things are different, I ate a bowl full of ice cream, ignoring the dull ache at the back of my throat that's been there since this morning...

LOOK BELLOW!!!
I've made additions
this little test determines, from your name alone, the most dominant personality traits and gives you a little fun recipe----> your own personality cocktail.
mines up there, try it for your self :D
enjoi

"it is well known that chaos and disorder result from a messy mix, from heterogenity"
suketu mehta---->Maximum City
its so true, I was born into heterogenity, a messy mix, its only natural that I thrive in the chaos that makes up the fabric of my existence...the mosaicism of ME
perhaps the "messy mix" can account for the eternal restlessness...

ptch!
babie gurl
whats the point of "honesty", when the "truth's"
not really, what you want to hear...
walk away now with "minimum collateral damage"

Conversation Overheard

R: "oh tomorrow...oh My wife's on the same flight!"
D: "Oh really"
R: "could you please see if she needs anything"
D: "Of course, I will"
R: "thanks thanks"
D: "but I've never met her, describe her so I'll know who she is "
R: "Oh don't worry she'll be the most beautiful woman on the plane"
(R then hangs up, leaving a very bewildered D)
AWWWWWWWWWW @ R

it took me by surprise,
nearly knocked me off my feet
I stood there smiling one second
and then I saw Him smiling back at me
I froze, like in a sleep terror episode
I could do nothing but stare

he spoke to me,
"can I see you at lunch?" he said
and it was Him all over again
a crowd of girls jostled me
back to present reality
"No no" was all I managed to mumble
"ok maybe next time" he said running off
I continued to stare
that hair those eyes that smile

In hind sight, like right now I think
the nose was different and yes even the chin
but as I stood there in a sea of kids
he was just like Him...

soon i'll grow up and I won't
even flinch at your name

"school of clones" she said laughing
at my hushed tone and serious air
"well they certainly cloned Him" I said
"And me" she added
Perhaps one day at work i'll bump into me

MY BLOG TURNED THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First post ever-------->
"Hello Hello, I’m Ms walking contradiction… welcome to my Blog ……. First off a bit about myself…….I’m 20. I’m a student at the Mumbai/Bombay University. I study psychology…………I love it and Yes I must confess I love to analyze anything and everything much to the horror of some people who happen to have the (mis)fortune of being under my microscope…….. …………The posts r about nothing at all….just random stuff bout friends, significant as well as insignificant others, stuff I like, stuff I can’t stand, stuff that’s just absolutely nauseating like class is sometimes.......etc etc ……keep logging on and please do comment.........."


Putting it together was a beginning
Keeping it together, is progress
Actually having it work out....Success
Congratulations to me
On the blog turning three
What started off as a space, to vent
Quickly became a tool
to evoke, annoy and amplify Sentiment
:D

these precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with
invisible best friends

She: "I can't believe you're gonna be teaching R@#$%^, hahaehahohehao"
me: "I KNOW"
me: "The toes you step on today maybe connected to the ass you're gonna have to kiss tomorrow"
She: "you're wise beyond your years"
She: "You said that way back in college"
Me: "bows"

why grieve the spirit in the other?
whether boyfriend, just friend or secret lover

boyfriend
noun: a person’s regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship.

(according to the Oxford Dictionary)


boy·friend (plural boy·friends)
noun 
Definitions: intimate male friend: a man with whom somebody has a romantic or sexual relationship

(according to the Encarta-Dictionary)

boyfriend   
noun [C]
a man or boy with whom a person is having a romantic or sexual relationship:
e.g.He's not my boyfriend - we're just good friends!

(according to the Cambridge-Dictionary)

boy•friend
Pronunciation: (boi'frend"),—n.
1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.
2. a male friend.
3. a male lover.

(according to the Infoplease Dictionary )

for more (universal definitions) please see www.onelook.com

My definition of Boyfriend coincides with what I think of a "Relationship"

(since people even differ on ideas of what a "Relationship" is!!)
My idea of a "relationship" is individual, intimate, exclusive
its when I engage profoundly with one person,(boyfriend)
and in turn the engagement of my significant Other/ boyfriend
is absolutely essential...

(unfortunately) His definition differs...

the briefest of time
seems like an eternity when you're waiting....
-c

How often careless words get thrown
How easily seeds of uncertainty get sown
Everything you said or didn’t say
Will get played in my head 100 times anyway
Till its something worse than intended
Your defense, you never meant it.
So I keep silent, you think we’re past this
But I’m still stuck on that precipice
Tumbling on a thought and I’m falling fast
I can’t forget, or move past.
My last shred of self assurance is torn
And I remember I was better off alone.

sometimes very late at night, the hardness slips out of your eyes
the walls drop and the casual feel of your hand in mine takes on
a grip of comforting security, as the tenderness seeps from you to me
whispers caress my ears, and the pressure of your lips
melts into your tongue on my skin
insistent fingers find chinks in my armor
and all resistence slips away
my head on your chest and the feel of your fingers in my hair
in a room full of noise and people, I rest quietly with you
do you feel it? the softness of being together....

The opposite of Love is Not Hate
its just plain indifference

sentiment is stupid
no emotion is true
tainted by all what we want it to be
not what it really is...
but, then again so subjective is reality
so it follows that emotions
are also bound to that subjectivity
sigh

can I truly say I am accepting of every emotion?

Its DENIAL that maintains the bliss of ignorance
Where what I don't see can't hurt me
for if I were to know, then how could I continue to ignore?

He said: "why so glum"
Me: "just"
He: "that's not a reason"
Me: "reasons are most often excuses"
He: "then what's your excuse?"
Me: "the unberable heaviness of being"

Loneliness is an inextricable part of human existence
Its like a song you can't stop humming
that corner under your sofa the vacuum doesn't quite reach
or the person you're in love with but can never have
we're born alone, we'll die alone
no more restlessly seeking brief moments of joy
happiness in the arms of a boy?
No one and No thing can fill the void
it can only be filled by me

addendum...

A fetal question mark on the floor
she throws her hands up in the air
Lying amidst the contents of her closet
She sobs out “I have nothing to wear”
He watches always from a distance
He watches from the door
The heaps of clothes around her
A veritable brand list of any high end store
Her beseeching looks, his vacant stare
Its not about the clothes,they both know
she wonders, who really cares?
In his defense, he makes an attempt
Is His call always too distant?
she never hears it ring
and Words always come a little, too late
She fears she may never be sedate
In his minds eye he sees the heart-ache
Like creatures, he can relate
To restlessness and chaos
And things that make no sense
to the eternally discontent

She sits on a mountain of riches wailing about her rags
Daughter of the king of quiet countenance and the queen of perfectionists
Heiress to a chalice, always half full (she doesn’t see it any other way)
Princess of discontent, restless, closet pessimist,
Ever seeking the cloud on the silver lining
Awaiting the impermanence of every happy thing

Take this burden off my shoulders
lay your weight on me instead
shun away the fears that bind me
hear the words I've left un-said
make it up to me in bed....

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds;
our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
Goethe

erm then where are my clients???

I stepped outside
"gutter" said my driver,I stepped away just in time...Looked up at the building, it was falling to pieces, clothes hung from every floor and tiny shops crammed its base I couldn't see an entrance, a curious child pointed to what appeared to me as a gap between shops, pipes poured out from it, "here!!" I said incredulously to no one in particular as I walked in, it was like a corridor,if I were any broader the walls would've rubbed against my bare arms, the darkness hit me first, then the smell, the stench of squalor, almost missed the stairs, they were behind another gap, smaller than the one which was the "entrance", I climbed up gingerly, every step seemed treacherous, and all the while that smell...Reached the landing and they came out to greet me, I forgot the old dirty smelly builing as I was whisked into a tiny warm room, warmed by the welcoming people cheerful and smiling as they greeted me, made room for me and managed to serve me warm cake and cool sprite all at the same time...It was only when I was leaving and had to navigate those stairs was I thankful that they lived on the first floor...on the long drive back home, I made the driver turn off the music, while I thought about how they lived and yet the out pouring of warmth and their happy smiles left me wondering, questioning...EVERYTHING

Feel like wise old woman
or like figure of all knowning
(much like my hon)
was interviewed by two third year students
on behaviour modification and its application in therapy
fancied myself all famous
and well known, so out of curiosity,
I asked her what made her pick me
out of all the practitioners at the clinic
and she said, "your name sounded interesting"
sigh
all the qualifiations aside, its my name that's interesting

I don't know why I did it but I did it, I know my heart wasn't really in it...
and now that its done, the regrets begun....

From the depths of my dreams the silence screams, so much stays unsaid when basic trust is dead, and I need to wake up now, find some way to tell you, but how? When I can’t sleep and all the dreams turn to nightmares, and the thought's of how no one cares, emptiness stares, me in the face,can I face this? it runs me back to places, where darkness breathes and deception bleeds into my faith...

"...light I had thought it would be
light and sweet
not like my soul heavy and bleak..."
-me

"we all had illusions in our heads....we all had our minds made up for us"
- alanis

I wandered through the grave yard
tracing my roots
finally found the gravestone I was looking for
broken once white marble,
now moss covered and weather beaten
yet speaking volumes to me
stories of my past, my heridity
sigh


Take this burden from my shoulders
lay your weight on me instead?

I know I know
I've been a bad blogger
so spank me
:P
well by popular demand
from my one and only
(how could I say no??)

here goes.....

so I've moved....a little to the west
out of the match box, into another
still dodging humming
hoping the universe will conspire
to get us some "planned down time"
so we can generate "archival data"
of quite a different kind
(still stuck on those):P
stuck on ice tea,
if I could only get an opener
or a neighbour
(to borrow one from)

just a thought
"there is pleasure in prying out secrets,
pleasure in withholding secrets"
teasing titilating tension
when you know that I know what you know
then again...what she doesn't know
can only hurt her in your head

on understanding women
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
"I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider"
just for the record...I S-H-A-V-E

I dunno if it was the distance..
or since I'm back, the lack of it...
that's bringing out this laughter
between cylical bouts of angst n general yo-yo giri
there's you and me
there's us laughing happily
"and in this moment I am happy....I wish you were here" (-incubus)
and you are
I wonder whether
you comprehend the power
of these seemingly simple cups of coffee
bises to my hon...

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday Dearest Daz
Happy birthday to you
May all your dreams come true
(that being....she'll come over and...XXXXXXX)

I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it

words, they can never fully explain
and your brain
can never fully comprehend
I've reached a bend
but will I turn?
oh when will you learn?

whats the point of living when you don't really feel alive?
t-o-t-a-l s-e-n-s-o-r-y d-e-p-r-i-v-a-t-i-o-n

If I were younger, I'd rebel
I'd yell and scream and kick up a fuss
probably smash some things
in protest of their decision

But at my age (and my profession) , comes this new sense of responsibility
I know that I can't just stamp my feet and break stuff
to show my anger, my hurt, my frustration,
I haven't felt this helpless in a while,
I want to be able to know always that there's something I can do,
something we can do to save her
perhaps its this fear of being helpless
and partly knowing that there's nothing we can do for her
that drives me to disbelieve what they're saying
that my Dog is suffering and she needs to be put to sleep
perhaps part of me wishes that there is still something we could do

If I were younger
I'd yell and scream and kick up a fuss
probably smash some things
in protest of their decision

But I'm older now
so I'll just protest with passive aggression not aggressive passion
as this post blurs with my falling tears you're never to old to cry

"you're not ready!" she said
"oh I'm not going" I said
"I just hate airports, 3 things airports funerals and weddings"
she laughed, "what a combination"
He looked at me and said in his quiet way, inaudible to her
loud and clear to me.....
"you realize they're all points of transition"
I just stared back at him in silence

Sometimes I think you know me better than I'll ever know myself
What scares me is I might not be wrong about this

Have been a bad blogger
I know I Know
I've been busy imagining I'm 19yrs old or younger,
the after effects of cousin and her bunch of teeny 19 yr olds
who think I'm 14
well yes so my appearance has me fancying myself as 19 again
acting very much like a teeny bopper and doing just as much shopping
Had lunch with a sweet little boy, he made me a CD
he drove me to my favourite mall and over very unhealthy food
(teens have high metabolism)(I DON'T)
we chatted away, about jello shots and the other joys of clubbbing
I think he suddenly felt the need to impress me before He dropped me off
(he didn't have to, he's a sweety)
so on the drive home he drove to this empty sandy lot
and said "ready to get your heart racing"
I was so NOT ready and suddenly I was not 19 anymore
I was way way older and very skeptical about having my "heart racing"
he then floored it, swerved 150 deg to the rightand braked all the while screaming look behind look behind
I was too scared, but did manage to look behind
only to see a swirl of dust and sand
He looked at me, big smile, eyes all shinning and excited
and said "ain't it cool"
by now I was battling the urge to go into mom mode
and yell at him for being irresponsible and endangering both our lives,
I wanted to smack him over the head for pulling that crazy stunt
and demonstrated a good amount of restraint as I took a breath
and said in my pretend calm voice "just don't kill anyone ok"
then polietly thanked him for lunch and exited the vehicle ASAP

Moral Of the story: I may look really young, but I'm certainly not 19 in my head
and I certainly don't want to be dead

Now everyone knows
I don't have any
"barins"
and I can't spell

decadence
downward spiral of eating sleeping and staring at my treadmill
I told M, today, If I don't get back to work soon
My barins are gonna dry up, and thats not a pretty thought :P

Just as I'm blinded by deep darkness
I'm also blinded by bright light
The grass always looks greener on the other side
Believe me its just a trick of sunlight
so as C would say,.."Love the one you're with"
wishing and hoping and yes praying
for your safe return.....

If I had any doubts about my ability to charm
they were all dispelled at Maroosh the other night
Maroosh is this little Arabic restaurant
famous for their smoky succulent kebabs
while waiting for our order
I discovered Maroosh had a bakery
so I slipped out to take a look
when I entered I was greeted in ararbic
by the guy behind the counter
"fii brownie" I asked
"shunnu??" he said not making any eye contact looking perplexed
like I had asked him for tampons or something
"brownie" I repeated flashing him my sweetest smile
he shook his head, "gateaux" he said
pointing to the array of pastries
I sighed and pointed to the mango one
"wahid mangue et wahid mille fuille"
I said, looking very disappointed at the lack of brownie's
He put the mango one into the box and the mille fuille
I nodded, and then he put a kiwi one in
"No No, la La" I said
"Free" he said still not making any eye contact
He set the box down on the counter
and picked up a tray filling it with some khanafa
I thought he was filling another order
so said "how much??"
he ignored me and then pointed to some Arabic version of ras malai
added that to the tray as well
"free" he said
filling the tray with more goodies
Now I was the one looking perplexed
"How much" I asked again
"1/2 a kd" he said handing my box of pastries
and the tray of goodies
My jaw dropped, "1/2 kd o-n-l-y??" I asked
tentatively handing the note over
he took it, nodding and avoiding eye contact
I smiled and gave him a little wave as I turned to leave
"wait" he said, I paused, I figured he'd realized he had miscalculated
he leaned over the counter
shoving a couple of squares of taffy laden with almonds and pistachios
"Free" he said, never looking up at me...
I walked back to the car
"Bought the whole store" asked dad, a tad sarcastically
"NO" I said..."FREE"

"where were you today" she screams into the phone, her face tear stained her voice quivering, he laughs says he left his phone at home, that he just saw her missed calls and messages, I try not to look at her, the scene is all too familiar, she slams the phone, she buries her face in the pillow, I hesitate, and then offer excuse for him, empty words, words I've heard from others before, words I'd never be comforted by, yet I say them, maybe he was...., maybe he did....maybe.... she's inconsolable, I feel helpless, and shut up, she turns to me, "yes maybe...but where there is a will there is a way"....Where's the way and will you?
(for my babie lee---You Don't Have to Work For Love)

"Its best to ask for what you want
I know it may sound so simple
And I also know how hard it is to ask,
most commonly deterred by the myth of...
Why should I ask when you should know,
you ought to know
and then the self questions tinged with fear
if I ask will I seem weak?
will I seem needy/demanding/pushy/complaining/dissatisfied
if I ask will he do it only because I asked
and not because he wants to do it?
asking is hard
but once you do ask its out there
not festering in your head somewhere"

reiterating what I had said in a previous post....
to remind me
of my step towards a more congruent me @ 23

when will we be congruent beings living single lives
with insides that match our outsides
being true to our souls
not a constant masquarde of double roles?

I got my first cellphone bill in kd
and from what i see
there's major communication inequity....
and since I'm so big on quid pro quo right now
sigh,I guess i'm restoring balance...

In other news my cousins friends keep introducing me to new people
and asking them guess how old she is...

In more news
here's a list of my stft's
1. Karunesh--------------- Punjab
2. Puff daddy/Led zeplin-- Come With me/ Kashmir
3. Sade------------------- This is no ordinary love
4. Sade------------------- Flow
5. Il Divo---------------- Unbreak my heart
6. Kylie Minogue---------- Chocolate

I walked down the bath and body asile at sultan's
my local market, as I reached for my face wash
I caught a hint of a familiar scent
it was just a whiff but its haunting familiarity
made me look in the direction that it came from
there was a lady there trying out a new astringent
it was not a product I use, but that smell it just pulled me to it,
I found myself reaching out for a bottle
as I walked towards the counter to pay
I opened it and took a long hard sniff
same haunting familiarity
where had I smelt this before??
by what stroke of repression had this scent been
relegated to memory and why couldn't i remember
I puzzled over it on the ride home racking my brain
then got tired of my defenses and slept
this afternoon soaking in the tub it came to me
I remembered another bathroom in another place another country
the same wet me, with wet curls making dark spots on the rug
and him sitting on the bed watching me...
"you smell good" he said leaning in close for a sensual sniff
making my knees weak and my cheeks hot
I remember blushing (as much as my brown skin can blush)
"what is it" he asked, that smile never leaving his lips
those eyes never leaving mine, I looked away first...always
"Sarah Michael's seashore shower gel, its very good" I said
sounding a bit like a commercial and feeling very stupid
for no reason at all....

I shut the bottle and opened my eyes
I had remembered....and I still felt stupid for no reason at all
at the back of my head alanis sang...
"soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name"

So my phone line burnt out...
I WONDER WHY!!!!
can't use the phone or the net
so here I am at a cyber-cafe
being the good blogger and posting...
family has flooded the house
and activities have been planned
and are being executed like
a military operation...
most activities involve shopping
which is not helping my addiction
or the urge to reduce pink in my wadrobe
are 10 new pairs of shoes enough?
sigh what else is there in kuwait
besides shopping and eating...

in other news
exhibition 10/10
mayball -5

more (irritating) news
He: "...haven't heard from you...(blah blah)...I'm sure you're busy dating someone out there"
ME: "WILL SOMeONE OTHER THAN ME TAKE MY RELATIOSHINP SERIOUSLY"
c is with d
capiche?

You have a penchant for surprising me with well-placed spontaneity
Your potential fueled by the spirit to be all you can be.
Mutual love of humor, conversation and ties,
Tolerant of dark sides, intolerant of lies.
Your capabilities know of no ceiling by signals of intuition you know everything
You have a knack to repeatedly raise bars,
Words with the ability to soothe my hidden scars
You’re always on my mind, my boo my star
No matter where we are…

this afternoon in my dream...
we were in a play like scene,
couldn't believe the lines they had stuck
and my su-conscious had actually dramatized them
with an all star cast of you and me...

me: Were you happy?" --he: "Yes."--
me:"And are you still as happy?"--he: "Yes.
he: And you?"--"Then, more kisses!"--
me:"Did I stop them, when a million seemed so few?"
(-Robert Browning)

She: there's definitely something about him...I dunno what
Me: is he cute?
She: hehehehe.... he's cute in his own way
Me: Well thats the best kind of cute....

I think men invented t-shirts for women
which have clever sayings right across the front
Coz I can't think of anything else that gives men the licence
to stare blatantly at a woman's chest and actually initiate conversation about it
continuing to make conversation while freely staring at her boobs
and have her laughing with him!!!
" half naughty half nice ", Smoothie said, not bothering to make eye contact
"yes", I said, "that's what it says" (fake smile)
"well I bet the nice half is not, half as nice as the naughty half" he said
(and you're 50% single in your head I said in my head!!)
sigh*
moral of the story
if you don't want random men staring at your chest
do not wear t-shirts that draw attention to it!!!

She says:I had forgotten how heady it is to have an intelligent well spoken man say he is falling hard for you...the other thing I realised is that enjoying being loved is not the same thing as loving...it is a lot of the joy of feeling charming and adored...rather than being charmed...and feeling violent passion



and there I was afraid of falling in love for fear of loosing out on the violent passion...
if I can't feel sparks crackling...I'm suddenly so unsexy...I wonder why it had to be an either or for me...so overwhelmed with love that suddenly there was no lust...
when I caught myself thinking is this lust or love with the whole connotations of making love v/s having sex...I wonder why can't there be both... lust for the one you love...

btw boo says i adore you but i won't take your nonsense....
I enjoy being adored too
feel free to tell me FREQUENTLY babie
:P

distance (how much is too much and closeness (how much is too little)
when too much is not enough??
with spaces in our togetherness (hai gibran)
being together yet speparate...
not halves of a whole but whole in ourselves
free to be missing
to miss and be missed
when distance gets difficult
sometimes I wish i were drowning me
in your sea...where part of you'd be part of me

feel free to tell me babie
frequently

" Dearest,
Being as expressive as we are, I think we're always a little in love with words...in a sense communication's our canvas and words our paint, whatever be the medium...conversation or mail (or blogs or little fancy note paper)...we colour our world with the things we say (or hear), so its easy to get caught up in the brush strokes of a wordsmith... art-iculate and colourful...I say "caught" coz there's always a catch...a trap, with verbal bait of sorts...it starts off innocently enough, just communication, yet suddenly amdist the quips and the banter and clever retorts, the swirling colours of language we exchange...suddenly we're making love with words...There will always be someone out there who SPEAKS to you...but always remember the someone right beside you, who speaks to you with more than just words...
be careful my sweet and beware
of the word art out there..."

A constant source of amusement is the parking situation outside our building, there’s space enough for everyone, if they stick to the one car per apartment rule…tired of people placing their multiple car’s in our space and random people parking in our building’s space…almost ten years after we’ve moved here, someone finally got it into their heads to assign fixed spaces, so on the cream wall bordering our building are large clumsily painted on apartment numbers assigning parking slots…great!! we all thought but as it turns out the slots are just like the points on “who’s line is it anyway” they don’t count… hence the parking situation outside our building continues to amuse us…as everyone continues to park in each others space, my neighbor parks in just about any available spot even when his own spot is vacant!!!, leading me to believe that he a. he just can’t read, (English or Arabic) or b. doesn't know the number of his own appartment(as I have long suspected)(wait a minute both a and b might just apply in his case!!)…and just about everyone/(everything with wheels) parks in our spot except us… …with a bright purple Mercedes in our spot last night…and this morning (when we got back from a hearty breakfast at the waterfront)…even a trash can!!!

Just got back from the radisson....
the jazz festival kicked off today
with a polish quartet with an indonesian percussionist
very novel sound...a lot of african influences
even some indian sounds...and if you've ever heard a rain stick
they had something similar and it was just brilliant...
Then there was the food...Indian, Arabic, American and Chinese
I picked the live stir fry station along with mum and ally
we had a great dinner...skipped the soup and salads completely
ate and listened and ate some more...
Then there was a break and time for dessert
Now I've seen a lot of dessert spreads before
but this was to die for
I circled the spread for the 5th time
wondering what to put on my plate
I'm stumped I said to the lady in the blue halter
"mee too" she said emphatically and added some caramel banana's to her plate...
"Mum I can't decide i hissed" at mum who zeroed in on the custard
while ally just picked stuff at rnadom
I stole the cranberry garnish off some mousse like concoction
and paused to consider whether I should knick the rasberries as well
when I was rudely inturrupted by this guy
who was staring down at my plate of delectable delights
"you've got about enough... off you go" he said

I was first shocked, then indignantly looked up
and met a pair bright blue eyes
which deffinitely had a twinkle in them
Then got all flustered and tongue tied and
muttered something like "yes maybe I do have enough"
when his friend (taller less blonde),
said "Oh please ignore him he's scottish"
which gave me enough time to collect myself
and say in my haughtiest tone...
"should I ignore all scott's or just him"
(scottie was now just smiling down at me, dessert plate in hand)
his friend laughed and said "all scott's especially him"
"ahhhh" i said, and with a quick hair toss made speedy but graceful exit
last time I looked
it was scottie who looked embarassed
when he realised
it was not little girl he was being a smartie with
but grown woman, masquerading as little girl with mother in tow
SIGH*
when will I look older!!!!
later as I stood by the stage
taking pictures
tall (less blonde) friend of scottie
walked by and gave self huge apologetic smile
which I successfully ignored
HA!

I found my old diary and the contents made me cry
it made me feel as if my first real love was one big lie
I flipped its dusty pages my words looked up at me
the hurt the pain the conflict in ink for all to see
and then i found the last page, page seventy three
which had on them, his last true words to me
"I never stopped loving you, I just stopped telling you"

His surprise at stuff I say amuses me
He looks at me with this, look as if to say
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS
wait it wasn't just a look
he came right out and asked...
how did you learn all this??
and then the clincher
you're sooo classy
(with an exclamation mark)
I wasn't offended...just amused...
I can't blame him he's surrounded
by incompetent people who just happen to be from my country
and also happen to be only waiter's and maids et al...
And he accused us of racism...
(hehehehehe)
like my hon said...of course W@#te people are inferior
racism in reverse...
sigh
and being surprised at me being (apparently) "classy"
was not condescending???
and god forbid I say anything about that
NO NO
no reverse racism here...
As I said once (in 2003 actually, or so my archives tell me)
this is why i love the night, an equaliser,
unlike the sun shine that exposes all our differences,
night covers us all in darkness.......
its hard to tell brown from black in the dark...........

HE: "im in the same city and if i dont see her for more than three days i develop a hangdog look and start pining"
ME: " i certainly pine...him well i dunno...dunno if he'll let me know"

Thought to self

Sometimes i don't think i'm pine worthy...

all this distance seems to be
cuing in me deep seated insecurities
one forgotten sms and I'm deflated

feel free to tell me babie
frequently...

So yesterday we went to the hilton for their beach party,
most of which I spent seated on a rock
with both my feet in the arabian sea
watching tiny fish swim by, in weird formations
quite like ducks actually...
then the crazy games began as the sun went down
but I really really couldn't join in
kya kare, I am Like this only
choosing instead to enter the huge tent
filled with three huge tables loaded with food
none of which i wanted to actually eat,
so finally tried some shrimp that i liked
and ended up eating large quantitites of the shrimp salad only!!
dad had been glowing all evening
as the Hilton security had said "nice car"!
so after my shrimp binge, when I waaa-ed a little
and said can we go home now?, he was most happy to oblige...
it was on the drive home I realised that I get car sick,
especially when driving 125 kms/hr
cant really feel the bumps, the camry is good that way,
but the speed took its toll leaving me very very nauseaous

got home and went right to bed...
no more shrimp for me...

in kuwait...
apologies for lack of posts

and.... in other news today...
I turned 23!!!!!!!!!!

I landed in kuwait to my waiting father
and was marched towards car for ride home
or so I was expecting, as I absentmindedly
went over to the wrong side of the car...
only to find the steering staring me in the face
felt so silly, so giggled and quickly hopped
over to the passenger side, much to the amusement of daddy
ahhhhh
so I was expecting a nice ride home to waiting bed and sleep
alas was driven straight to the immigration office
to renew my residence visa,
all done in under ten minutes despite
long lines due to charming self
(kya kare, I am like this only)

so it was the eve of my birthday
and my first evening in kuw
full of healthy resolutions for the summer
i joined mum and her friend sophie for a power walk
at the water front...BAD IDEA
about 15 mins of power walking
and I was sitting on the bench with my feet on the rocks
staring at the water which was a gorgeous teal...

got home and luxuriated in my (pink) tub
for what seemed like forever till my fingers
shrivelled up like prunes

Then my parents took me to the hard rock cafe
which was fun...but not as much as it would've been
with alcohol and rock music...
yet good food and plesant conversation sort of made up for it
sort of....
missed my gurls and d

Someday's I feel like
I'm perched precariously at the edge of my seat
day's when only bitterness seems sweet
when a heavy heart is food for thought
when whats at hand, is what's not
my mood, my strife, my choice, my life

sigh
only on sleepless nights
does this song fully make sense

"I'm not threatened, by
every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women,
it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances
or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me,
it's hard to get a rise
I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational, stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?
I'm not tortured by how oft your busy,
Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss me,
cause I don't need you to


So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

alanis-->off so called chaos

bad blogger
bad week
too tired to waaaaa

so I was puzzling over an important decision
cup or cone??

SHE:" why did you get a spoon?"
Me: "I'm having the cup experience with a cone"

just as Some mornings
it just doesn't seem worth it
to gnaw through the leather straps...
some evening's its better to sink than swim
*sigh*

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE-FACILITY
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY JEETENDRA-ISH.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is NOT AGE-IST
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not a COMMITMENT PHOBIC EMOTIONAL FUCKWIT -
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

They say when a door closes somewhere
another one opens...
I think the converse also holds true...
a door opened last night
and this morning
I hear echo's of others slamming shut
clings to her rock
and wonder's what she'd do if his
door's were slamming too

my
rock of calm
in this restless sea of me
I cling to you
to your words, in my ears
to your picture, in my head
(and in my phone)
you're not here
yet
you're all over me
my comfort
my blanket of security
kisses to my hon

She: you're doing it again, talking about yourself in 3rd person
Me: hmmmmmm
She: you've always loved the confessional mode of writing
Me: this site is called confessions of a harmless kind
She: hardly harmless
Me: hmmmmmm

Its starting again
the restlessness
and i'm consumed by uncertainity,
and yes fear

"This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know..."

last night's shadow of a headache
is now full blown...
when she stepped, into the club
she realised tonight having fun
would take a bit of effort,

it had all the right things at exactly
the right time
there was the company of good friends
free alcohol
her favourite songs
and him...
at least he came in before the restlessness
turned outwards into irritation"
but the restlesness continued...
it took a short trip to the ladies room
and some self talk
so when she got back to her table
she was determined to have fun
but she was still steeped in ennui
and she didn't know why...
only later on the way home
when she snuggled into the
comfort of his arms did
she feel a sense of rest

One friday in march of 2003
Gio quoted john lilly
(in heavily accented english)
he said
"chao, You don't have to suffer
continual chaos in
order to grow".

that was then...
I look at my life now and think otherwise
I wonder it would be like sans the chaos
(force of habit? fear of change?)

in an attempt to check this spill over of chaos
into our relationship, I said to daykin
"I don’t want us to be one of those couples who thrive on conflict,
Whose relationship is defined by
one or the other being mad/dissatisfied
and the other one making up for it,
in this crazy back and forth dance...
which is just a sad attempt at avoiding boredom"

today I wonder...
is my restlessness my only sanity?
if I were calm and conflict free
what would life be???
blissfull existence
or perpetual ennui

While I'm in the mood to define my frequently used terms
so as to dispel any other interpretations/assupmtions of what I could mean
lets try and explore self-disclosure/knowing and un-veiling
Derrida wrote, “There’s no chance of … belonging to oneself enough …
and of succeeding in turning such a gesture toward oneself.
You’ll end up in imminence—
and the un-veiling will still remain
a movement of the veil”

I use words as my veil
and take seeing as means of knowing
(such a contradiction, to my religion)
sigh*
So What does it mean "to know"?
will I ever really truly "know"?
And know "what" exactly?

is this all just part of life
the limbo; the chaos
the loss of trust; the anxiety
(when I don't know, don't want to know)
the anger (or is it just hurt turned outward)
the need to know the truth
(not the counterfeit version)
the need to be behind-and-yet-with-the-veil
(your veil, my veil, the collective veils we keep)

"If I let you in, will you let me in?
Get underneath my skin
Let down your walls and let me see.
Rediscover you when you uncover me
Will you tell me? If I let you know"
(once more, i echo me)

And know "what" exactly?

wonders how D, always knows
lets D know...

I wonder what it is about certain people
that makes things that ought to be said unsayable;
so when I nevertheless try to say them
I find myself uttering nonsense
though I know I have sense to say...
and things thatI have to say make so much sense...
then the moments gone...I've not said it
and when i feel like i should say it,
its not the right moment...
so I type it in my folder entitled unsaid...
like so many conversations I have with you in my head

I can hear squeals of delight from my cousin's
who are now indistinguishable (except by size)
due to their holi shannanigans
I'm not playing this year,
I don't think I played last year
or the year before that, either...
but I do remember the time we used to play
all of us, the whole family...
everyone at Number 3. Gundavali
even the grown up's got into it,
with papa ceremoniously dousing my aunt M (aka.dragon )with a mug of water
or catching her unawares with a special balloon
(one that has been chilled in the fridge)

as a kid, pre holi rituals included
buying and then filling the tub with balloons
(half of them broke while filling!!!)
followed by a day of stealth bombing
of the wet kind...it became a holi war when
gender came in and it was boy's vs girls
my neighbours, bb,hez,reem and dez
and my cousins gen, gigi, han, n pinks
one year it got very dirty
with dez throwing dirty dishwater...
that was the year reem suggested we wear two tee's
we were slightly older and shy
and transparency was no longer a non-issue
hehehehe reem got married earlier this year,
and so did dez, bb is in London, gen in dubai,
gigi is working today, and hez is off for a bike rally
sigh*
only han and pink's remain to carry on...

when I was younger it was, "WATER ONLY CHRIS NO COLOR"
(my mother's voice echo's somewhere in my head)
then we graduated to colour, just gulal (pink)
:D
today I can see my cousins painted from top to toe
in purple green and even black!!
I feel all grown and distant from them
almost envious...
I didn't play this year,but yes,
I got the traditional smear of colour on each cheek
as my aunt kissed me and said
"happy holi to our very own splash of colour"

People are so busy executing life plans,
they don't realize they're living by accident
no one stops and enjoys the moment anymore
everyone is searching the bigger picture for what they want,
when what they want,
is in the little picture right in front of them...

Just as these thoughts went through my head
I thought about how tomorrow was holi saturday
(hehehe)
but it didn't feel that way,
perhaps because
I have not been bludgeoned with balloons
a few minutes later while handing Disha our notes
one fell splat in the middle of the two of us
splattering mud on my brand new cream churidhar
but instead of cursing the kid who threw it
I cracked up, and dashed off in the nearest rick...
so much for living in the moment...

miss you D

SHE: "I am coming to your blog after so long...i feel as though i was away on a cruise somewhere and you just grew 30 years older while my back was turned!
chrisann!! you are sounding even more ponderous that you have ever been!....you always were ponderous...but now you are unabashedly ponderous...and you are digging deep...."

My X was online and said hello
I really wanted to ignore
but then he mentioned jaundice
(and I just had to oblige)
but that doesn't mean I planned to be nice
he then tried the sympathetic approach
the topic of blood tests he did broach
the fear the pain when the needle does stick
why asked I innocently, when you too are a Prick?

"...because he can drive you up the wall
and then coax you down
as if you're the one who wanted to get up there
in the first place...
-Chrisann on B

Are we ethical in our relationships?
in the subtleties of right and wrong
truth and grey areas,
as we negotiate our emotional availability
(or lack thereof)
I have to ask what is "truth"? "honesty" and an "ethical relationship"
lets tackle these one at a time
Let me start by first explaining what I mean by relationship
(since people differ on ideas of what a Relationship is!!)
My idea of a "relationship" is individual, intimate, exclusive
its when I engage profoundly with one person,
and in turn the engagement of my significant Other
is absolutely essential...for an "ethical relationship"

(Now that we've got the basics covered lets move on...)
An "ethical relationship"
signifies not only the act of responding to each-other
(which completes the transaction of being in a relationship)
but also, implies taking an ethical stance of making
space for the OTHER to exist in ones life.
if you don't let the OTHER in...
then there is no relationship to begin with...

So it follows that an "ethical relationship" would involve
Responsibility, Accountability and Answerability

which brings me to truth and honesty
First off, as Nestor said,
"everyone must decide whether they want
the uncompromising version of the truth
or a counterfeit version"
I mean what’s the sense in demanding honesty
when its really not what you want to hear??
lie to me I promise I'll believe

I agree with him when he says,
"Recommend the truth to yourself at every opportunity..."
be true to yourself and to your OTHER
and then demand that in return

The ideal relation to the Other at its highest level
is of course, love itself...
Such an act may be unrequited,
as the differences and distances are too great,
but if we are ever to get beyond the vicious cycle
of self protection/ fear of failure/rejection or whatever
(that holds us back and keeps us alone, and SAFE)
it is essential to remain open-hearted
(yes hearted not "minded")
for the heart is indeed the centre of the mind

as Bertrand said, "Of all forms of caution,
caution in love is perhaps the most fatal
to true happiness"

if the OTHER doesn't feel let into your life
they would eventually stretch away,
in response to your cues of caution
for your cautious stance would be cuing your partner's insecurities
once trust issues surface, the maggots of doubt begin to breed
they will eat away at self assurance
and you can kiss your relationship goodbye

In summation...
and Most importantly is try not to attempt to recreate the Other
in the way you'd like them to be,
not a narcissistic representation, of one's own image,
but relating to the OTHER generously,
with openness to experience and attention to detail...
now go love and laugh...

he told me about the documentary he had done
on the Armenian Church in Chennai
This Church was built in 1772, has six huge bells
each weighing 200 kilograms hung in its tower.
These bells were cast in England,
shipped by the wealthy Armenian merchants
and donated to the Church...
half way through his facinating narrative he stopped
"I hope I'm not boring you" he asked with caution
(God Forbid!! I bore chrisann)
No you silly boy,
I wish I could tell you how much
I enjoy a subaltern view of History
and how I believe that 'History from Below'
is the only way to truly relate to the world at large...

and then...

I think you got tired of the apparent stagnation
you think you've reached with me
which is perhaps why last night,
you threw the ball in my court.
"three months" you said, take three months
Yet, more than a deadline for me,
(which you so subtly sprung on me)
I think you gave yourself three months,
to do, whatever fguring out you need to do

I happen to like the label "gifted" because it means to me that the child did nothing to deserve it. It means the child has a gift that was given to him and because he has that gift, he has certain responsibilities. He is not "better than," merely "different from." And with the gift goes the responsibility to use it.
-Walter Barbe- On GMA

Lately I'm troubled by how life is all about replacements
(you can practically replace anything and everything today)
and how I see so many things in life as replaceable
whether is the glass that went crashing to the floor
or the TV remote that doesn't work anymore
buts what's scary is when this extends to people...
and scarier when, I see
its not only me, with this replacing trend

I'd like to acknowledge my need for you
(need= different from dependency)

I want to be able to say, you're irreplaceable
the impact you've had on my life, in these few months
(7!! can you believe it)
has been tremendous,
(will not put a term here that implies +ve or -ve)
(its far beyond signficant) its unique
and cannot be replaced by substitutes
if you were to cease to be part of my life

I want to be able to acknowledge that,
there would be a void in my life,
one that cannot be filled by someone else,
by virtue of similarity,
I'd like to be brave enough,
to not only say this
but to live this
for its so strongly what I believe

Time for some male bashing...( for a change )
(Ha! I crack me up)
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one  would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of  marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

13 Things PMS Stands For 

    1. Pass My Shotgun 
    2. Psychotic Mood Shift 
    3. Perpetual Munching Spree 
    4. Puffy Mid-Section 
    5. People Make me Sick 
    6. Provide Me with Sweets 
    7. Pardon My Sobbing 
    8. Pimples May Surface 
    9. Pass My Sweatpants 
   10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 
   11. Plainly; Men Suck 
   12. Pack My Stuff 
13. Potential Murder Suspect 

we spoke of love and relating
and honest communicating
half way through while hearing myself
I began to wonder
How marriage had become the "M word"
and how I'd gone from "making love" to "having sex"
(not literally, but verbally)
a sudden awareness that quite freaked me out...
must pause and re-evaluate...
to me "having sex" has always implied mechanical
purely physical connections, without emotionality
the distinction used to be so clear,
with lofty idealistic statements
like "you have to be in love to make love"

I'm still a mushy woman
who believes in emotional connections
and can't feel the physical without the emotionally
therefore still believe in "making love"
and would like to be made love to
rather than have had sex with...

Love is for sharing
making love is about giving
and sex is sacred
a connection of bodies
that reinforces a connection of minds

right now I'm too tired to care

She: "Have you lost more weight??"
Me: Nope, I don't think so (straightening my shirt)
She: "Are you happy chrisann?"
ME: (laughing) Oh GAWD
She: "You smile, but your eyes...you have such sad eyes"
awkward silence followed...

In my head I said
The laughter is hollow
the smile is weak
the giggles are just remnants
of a broken little girl
being pieced into a woman

later that night

He: are you ok, you don't sound ok
Me: oh just tired...
He: You don't sound ok, I've never heard you like this before
Me: I said, I'm tired
He: but you don't...
Me (in my head..oh no here we go again...)

in a last ditch effort
to rescue the night from the darkness
I called my best Friend

She: "is it him?"
me: " No No"
She: " well we could imagine it was him"
me: "hehehhehehehehehehe"
She: "That stupid D----- always muckin up, can't get anything right"
me: "hehehhehehehehehehe"
I LOVE HER

Most of you who know about prodigal,
have heard of the famous call
the one that woke me one night
only to have him holler into my ear
BITCH QUEEN FROM HELL
and anyone who was close to me then
and perceptive enough knew
that I was quite taken aback
byt he call
by the choice of words...

today about three years since then
maybe more...
I stayed home as I have been feeling a tad ill
and instead of watching TV i picked up my copy of BJ
and there in one the of chapters were the words
---->BITCH QUEEN FROM HELL
it was like a revelation!
thats where he got it from!!!
he had taken it right from the very book he gifted to me
obviously expected me to get it..
perhaps one big joke
that I turned into a serious DIS
hai hai
sigh* prodigal so much potential
such a waste...

W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r
Maybe,
If I was prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier, taller, smaller, richer, sweeter, sillier, more mature??
Maybe
If my hair was straighter, breasts were perkier, teeth were whiter, skin was darker or lighter??
Maybe
If I were another, some other, caste, creed or color?
What-ever you prefer,
Then May-be,
But I’m only,
ME.

"and I don't want the world to see me,
coz I don't think that they'd understand,
and if everythings meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am"
-IRIS

So often we're holding on so tightly to something
that we have no free hand open, to accept
what the universe is reaching out to give us...
let go open up
-c

The angst continues
She: don’t be so naive Chrisann everybody cheats

She: If you’re straying, it’s because you’re not getting
everything you want out of your relationship.
she: (nodding) yes so you seek it elsewhere…
besides for us its most often emotionally driven…
Me: but that’s like relinquishing all personal responsibility.
Agreed the evidence shows in most cases
you’re straying coz you’re seeking what you desire
and are not getting in your present relationship, but can you absolve yourself and justify your behaviour on the basis of “he’s not giving me what I want?”

really now..
Can we just put the blame on him?
Rationalize to make ourselves feel better,
so that it fits nicely into our self concepts,
“I don’t cheat, men cheat”
So if I’m cheating, “Its coz he did x,y,z to me”
Or most commonly, “I just did a,b,c, he did l,m,n,o,p first!”
So is cheating on some level revenge??
An unconscious urge to get back or get even?

Skinner said depression is the result of a person’s failure to get the desired reinforcers they want out of life…
I think perhaps cheating is the result of a person’s failure to get the desired reinforcers they want out of their relationships…

“Is nothing sacred anymore” I asked?
And the reply was an emphatic “NO”

It boils down to free will, choices my pretties
I’m not saying we’re not determined to a certain extent
by the actions of others but in our reactions,
we have a choice…
Its best to ask for what you want
I know it may sound so simple
And I also know how hard it is to ask,
most commonly deterred by the myth of...
“Why should I ask when you should know,
you ought to know”

and then the self questions tinged with fear
if i ask will I seem weak?
will I seem needy/demanding/pushy/complaining/dissatisfied
if I ask will he do it only because I asked
and not because he wants to do it?
asking is hard
but once you do ask its out there
not festering in your head somewhere

note to self: Please practice what you preach

ANGST ANGST ANGST
I hate being ingnored
(even if its just preceived)

So it comes down to this,
I've always wondered if I was the only one who felt that way
a shadow of the dreaded insecurity/dependency??
whatever it might be...its just plain scary
then... she says..."how come he never has time for me??
I'm busy too you know"
yes yes I agreed wholeheartedly,
yes how come we manage to find the time?
she continued, "and he he seems to have so much time for me"

"he really makes time for me... if he can, then why can't he"
I didn't know what to say
how to reassure her, I just shrugged un-helpfully
going round in my head were the lines I'd once said

I soon began to realize
This is how you’d always be
All things high on your priority list
And last of all was me

Then later more gurl talk about guys and phone calls

(we decided this angst applies to all friends, even girls,
but mostly to the men in our lives,
just because we'd like to think they really cared)

at first I was hesitant, (slightly shy)
but they seemed to be echoing the same sentiments
"I'll call you back"
should mean you'll call back, in a few minutes not in a few days
"I'll call you in five minutes"
should mean FIVE minutes (at the most 10) not fifteen not 5 hours!!!
"I'll call you later" is the worst!!!
coz I just wait and wait
and In my head I'm not waiting for your call
coz I have too much pride/I'm not that needy
(am I??)
but then again I am waiting, coz I'm randomly flicking channels
or trying to read (trying being the operative word)
and in a sense I'm waiting and then when the phone doesn't ring
all hell breaks loose in my head...
and I thought I was the only one
(ego centric@ me)
and then...
she: I keep checking my ringer maybe its on silent maybe my battery died
SHE: Me too
Me: ME THREE
and l-a-t-e-r never comes
(how much later is later???)
(l-a-t-e-r is so F#$%^&* SAFE!!!)
Me: "I HATE "I'll call you later"
SHE: "Me too!!!"
She: "I prefer, I'll call you when I can"


"I'll call you when I can"
Male speak translated---> if i don't call means i'm really busy and can't
call so when i do eventually call, or if you call before which
you probably will, don't give me grief

She: I hate it when they don't reply to sms
Me: (nodding vigorously) Yes I use sms coz I don't wanna intrude by calling
and they make it worse by not replying, I mean I WAS being considerate
she: how long does it take to type "ok"

She: not its worse when they cut your call
Me yeah, totally it's ok if they call back from the land line immediately
she: yes only if they call immediately, otherwise its just plain rude
me: so if they sms and say i'll call you in some time
She: not I'll call you in sometime...
Me: ah yes sometime is as bad as later...you should work out a code,
if you cut a call, it has to imply calling back
she: ya ya,cutting a call is really bad.
Me: really bad, i mean the damn thing even says REJECT

today's my gran's birthday
I thought, I'd post a poem I wrote for her...

When it comes to mother’s
Its certain I have two
One of them is mom,
And Nani one is you

Your gentle hands lined
with work of all the years
The very same hands that
Reach out to dry my tears;

You’ve always been someone I could run to,
When life was hard to bear
Someone to patiently listen,
Someone to really care.

Thank you for loving, and understanding me.
And all the little things you so thoughtfully do
One of life's special gifts,
Is having a Grandma like you.

There's something rare and wonderful,
God placed in Nani’s heart;
Something he knew a child like me
Would need, right from the very start.

I think now of all the times
You’ve struggled to pass life’s tests.
No matter how hard it got
You made sure you did your best

With a prayer on your lips,
A sweet smile on your face
Living your life with courage and grace
Every step worthy of praise.

Heaven has a place reserved
For all people good and kind;
But I have a little Heaven on earth,
In the nani I call mine.

I worry about emptiness
I worry about everything in my life being wrong
it just seems all mixed up
everything that happens is immediately
past tense, once the moments gone,
now being part of a past,
it gets linked to a more distant past
what is now, will be what once was
and what once was, is all mixed up with what is
yet what was true then seems so un true now...

there must be some meaning to all of it
I sfit through the pieces
and get them all in the wrong order
events evolve everday
without any input from me
till I believe that my life
has taken on an extension of its own
and I'm hurtling down out of controll

I fear the endless as much as I love it
but I fear the unimaginative routine even more
so I cling to only one comforting thought...
what would light be
if there were no darkness
from where you could see...