on understanding women
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
"I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider"
just for the record...I S-H-A-V-E

I dunno if it was the distance..
or since I'm back, the lack of it...
that's bringing out this laughter
between cylical bouts of angst n general yo-yo giri
there's you and me
there's us laughing happily
"and in this moment I am happy....I wish you were here" (-incubus)
and you are
I wonder whether
you comprehend the power
of these seemingly simple cups of coffee
bises to my hon...

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday Dearest Daz
Happy birthday to you
May all your dreams come true
(that being....she'll come over and...XXXXXXX)

I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it

words, they can never fully explain
and your brain
can never fully comprehend
I've reached a bend
but will I turn?
oh when will you learn?

whats the point of living when you don't really feel alive?
t-o-t-a-l s-e-n-s-o-r-y d-e-p-r-i-v-a-t-i-o-n

If I were younger, I'd rebel
I'd yell and scream and kick up a fuss
probably smash some things
in protest of their decision

But at my age (and my profession) , comes this new sense of responsibility
I know that I can't just stamp my feet and break stuff
to show my anger, my hurt, my frustration,
I haven't felt this helpless in a while,
I want to be able to know always that there's something I can do,
something we can do to save her
perhaps its this fear of being helpless
and partly knowing that there's nothing we can do for her
that drives me to disbelieve what they're saying
that my Dog is suffering and she needs to be put to sleep
perhaps part of me wishes that there is still something we could do

If I were younger
I'd yell and scream and kick up a fuss
probably smash some things
in protest of their decision

But I'm older now
so I'll just protest with passive aggression not aggressive passion
as this post blurs with my falling tears you're never to old to cry

"you're not ready!" she said
"oh I'm not going" I said
"I just hate airports, 3 things airports funerals and weddings"
she laughed, "what a combination"
He looked at me and said in his quiet way, inaudible to her
loud and clear to me.....
"you realize they're all points of transition"
I just stared back at him in silence

Sometimes I think you know me better than I'll ever know myself
What scares me is I might not be wrong about this

Have been a bad blogger
I know I Know
I've been busy imagining I'm 19yrs old or younger,
the after effects of cousin and her bunch of teeny 19 yr olds
who think I'm 14
well yes so my appearance has me fancying myself as 19 again
acting very much like a teeny bopper and doing just as much shopping
Had lunch with a sweet little boy, he made me a CD
he drove me to my favourite mall and over very unhealthy food
(teens have high metabolism)(I DON'T)
we chatted away, about jello shots and the other joys of clubbbing
I think he suddenly felt the need to impress me before He dropped me off
(he didn't have to, he's a sweety)
so on the drive home he drove to this empty sandy lot
and said "ready to get your heart racing"
I was so NOT ready and suddenly I was not 19 anymore
I was way way older and very skeptical about having my "heart racing"
he then floored it, swerved 150 deg to the rightand braked all the while screaming look behind look behind
I was too scared, but did manage to look behind
only to see a swirl of dust and sand
He looked at me, big smile, eyes all shinning and excited
and said "ain't it cool"
by now I was battling the urge to go into mom mode
and yell at him for being irresponsible and endangering both our lives,
I wanted to smack him over the head for pulling that crazy stunt
and demonstrated a good amount of restraint as I took a breath
and said in my pretend calm voice "just don't kill anyone ok"
then polietly thanked him for lunch and exited the vehicle ASAP

Moral Of the story: I may look really young, but I'm certainly not 19 in my head
and I certainly don't want to be dead

Now everyone knows
I don't have any
"barins"
and I can't spell

decadence
downward spiral of eating sleeping and staring at my treadmill
I told M, today, If I don't get back to work soon
My barins are gonna dry up, and thats not a pretty thought :P