"all the things she said running thru my head ...this is not enough"

At the back of my head I am falling
tumbling spiraling
and I am also floating hovering
looking down at me fall
I am hearing words come out and
I am filled with dread
voices in my head
whisper warnings
and my legs are willing me away
yet I stay rooted to the ground
unable to find expression in words the fears
spill as tears and I look straight
into the future wondering how when and will I?
but for all the surrealism of things felt, I unfelt
and refused to accept the "mean"
for love and 'being mean" do not mean the same thing
for I'd rather be alone than be mean to
because I am no longer afraid
as doors swing open and
dose of consciousness hits home
years from now I'll joke about it
I'll make up reasons
I'll be removed from it
years from now I will tell myself
though I never heard it
or felt it whole
I believed myself to be loved
because of which I know
of all the things I am or seem
I won't be or accept "being mean"
of all the things I said or didn't say
I will live to love another day

"I've been changing but you'll never see me....."


was it so uncharacteristic?
am I like what I'm being made out to be
I want what I want what I want
is this "bad me"?
is this only whta he sees?

sigh

We like to think we are talking about truth in our blogs.
could being more open, somehow help to serve as a model
to the suffering-the-silence, human race.

correction

I like to think I am talking about truth in my blog.
That by being more open I am somehow helping to serve as a model
to the suffering-the-silence, human race.

this led me to recall that line of mine
(me in my infinite wisdom)
(right...)
said:
" The lies we tell ourselves become the truths we tell eachother"
which is exactly the reason of his disbelief
(not just contrary to schema information)
he thinks i'm rationalizing (again)

Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world"
maybe all i'm being is an aspect of me
the change I'd like to see
more understanding, more empathy

These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you....

and he will never know how close I came
she will not know the hurt, the pain
they will never understand
and we will see only what we project form the "me"
and people who won't, won't
and people who don't, well they don't
it doesn't matter if what they say
it doens't matter what I do
the world will still turn
as if nothing ever happened
we are but cogs in a wheel
(or are we spokes?)
part of a (done) deal
there's no heaven no hell
this is it
you can try and quit
there's no resignation to tender
so tenderlyresign to fate
and wait
one of these days
you will, yes even you, with your smirk
and eyes that twinkle
even you will get the boot

Don't you wish you Girlfriend was hot like me....wait a minute she is me!!!

Ok so its a random tangential post
with no prticular reason for posting,
but the happy sound of manicured nails hitting dust free keys
(or it could be me procrastinating and avoiding piles of work)
I'll go with the former
and continue to blah blah blah in text
The weekend had brought happiness and sorrow
sorrow first...and joy cometh a the end
(like a harry potter movie)
Have you wondered what its like to loose a limb?
not just any limb but an entire arm?
not just an entire arm, but your right arm
(and you are....RIGHT HANDED!!!!)
well someone close to me just lost his right arm
and the first thing he says is "well one less hand to wash"
he hasn't cried yet
am i projecting?
is it the therapsit in me waiting for the dam to burst
the tears to flood
waiting for him to mourn the loss of something so significant
something, that is technologically irreplacable even today
(comes close to the real thing but not quite)
am i projecting?
if it were me i'd be down in the depths of misery
or would I too, put up a brave front for family?
why won't he cry?
My aunt in response to that said
perhaps he's filled with God's Grace
to accept the things he cannot change
poor projecting me
finds that ahrd to believe
In other news
dad's back from hospital
we plan a mass in thanksgiving
we celebrated by buying furniture
I think the close shave made him realize
"take the picture now"
(or consequently buy that couch)
as my parents pranced and ounced on bits of malaysian cane
he measured me....reminded me of the poem
"....She's not quite tall enough
and not quite full enough(children will take care of that)
Her complexion it was decided would compensate,
being just about the right shade of rightness to do justice to...."
From Marriages Are Made, Eunice deSouza

Of Existential Ennui, Rampant Intellectualism and Alleged Conflict avoidance

I'm tired
it might be the existential ennui
then again it might just be
plain ol' exhaustion sweeping over me
I know he didn't want to "talk about it"
but I had to bring it up...
(i will always call you on it)
and then we were accused of rampant intellectualism
talking away our problems
(duh!)
what does he want?
screaming battles and projectile coffee mugs?
swearing like a sailor and comments that cut to the bone?
words unmeant that can't be unsaid?
and since we do not have all of the above
does that make our relationship strange?
well it certainly makes it different
good different
but what's with poking holes into our
and so what if it does?
which brings me to theory number 2
alleged conflict avoidance
its not just avoiding conflict
its enjoying the status quo
lest the "conflict" pushes one
to get off one's (albeit lovely) ass and take responsibility
and actually do something about it...
like make decisions
once and for all
why step all the way out here into the zone of possibility
only to head back into complacency?
why not walk out a month ago
where collateral damage would be less than maximum
and is fear the only barrier?

I have discovered that what makes a man attractive to a woman,
and creates that magic and intense "spark" of chemistry,
has NOTHING to do with whether or not a man
would make a great LONG-TERM PARTNER

What's important is the EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT
which I define as the level of emotional engagement in the relationship
how is this measured?
well via demonstrable care and concern
we have no problem with that...
so what is our problem?
and could it just be that he's just not that into me?

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and
he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
driver's license in the wallet of every husband,boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Money talks.... But Chocolate sings

a doctors vist
hasty hospital admission
ambulance ride
another hospital admission
icu
sleeping in a corridoor
on his sleeping bag
my silent tears in his chest
moving to a room with a leak
a blood work scare
endoscopy's sonography's and a zillion injections later
fingers are slowly uncrossed
and a look upward gives thanks
hopefully
I'll be back with a bang
in time to celebrate the blog's 5th year
with both parents out of their respective hospitals

I miss her so much...
I let her know...
she gave me this...

There are eyes upon you

And they are watching night and day

There are ears that quickly take in every word you say

There are little hands all eager

to do anything you do;

And a child who is dreaming of the day she'll be like you

You are her/ his idol

You are the wisest of the wise

In her/ his little mind about you, no suspicions ever rise

s/he believes in you devoutly

holds all thay you say and do

S/he will say and do in your way

when s/he's grown up just as you

there's a wide-eyed girl/ boy

who believes you are always right

And his/her eyes are always opened

and s/he watched day and night

You are setting an example every day in all you do

for the child who is waiting

to grow up to be like you

Lately I've had time to ponder on a lot of things
given my odd predicament, and this time we have
I find little needles of doubt pricking the back of my head
often when you have evaluated a situation, and your mind finds
no plausible reasons for the occurrence, your mind seeks out reasons
you know you have:

• an amazing relationship
• an incredible connection
• you know that there's mutual respect
• there's honesty and compassion

then how do you explain the reluctance?

If you're like lots of women I know, then
you wondered why he was acting this way with
you, when the connection you had was so
incredible...  you tell yourself some version
of the "He's Scared" Story.
But really for me it's the He's scared MYTH

You know the "He's Scared" Story,
It's the universal story that almost all men understand
its like it comes wired into our collective unconscious
about how men can be afraid of real intimacy
and love... and how a man will leave a great
woman once he gets close to you because he is
AVOIDING a real relationship of "substance"....blah blah blah

This story or "myth" about men exists for
a reason of course- because there are lots of
men who freak out when things get more "serious"
in relationships...but why?

here's the point...

This story can't help you.
In fact, knowing
this story and carrying it around in your mind
actually hurts you more than it helps.
(you is both men and women!!!)

Why?

In short, because, like most women, this
story will lead you to FALSELY BELIEVE that
the reason the man in your life gets "scared off"
is because he can't handle HOW WELL your
relationship is WORKING.
Its like cognitive dissonance,
the story shields us from the truth

Which is...perhaps what is true for you
just isn't true for HIM!!!
It like that book "He's Just Not That Into You"
which was liberating in a sense,
because you stop WASTING TIME
over people who're just not that into you!
(girls take the quizz find out if he's into you
find out what she might have just found out
click here---> quizzz)

While for Men who have also heard and subscribe to it
(it gives them an "out")
swallow the story whole heartedly
Becasue relationships ultimately take SELF WORK
and both men and women DON'T want to WORK ON THEMSELVES
its so much easier for a guy to use the "I'm scared story"
woman: "I love you"
man: silence...(in his head) Oh mY God Oh My GOD
man: "I'm scared to say it" (in his head) i'm scared to hear it

in the words of my student..."THATS BULL-SHIT"

A man won't want to leave a great relationship
that he feels wonderful in and he feels is
"working" for him, nor will a woman...
nor will he stay in one
WHY IS HE STAYING?
well he's imbibed the I'm scared story
even when he's not scared
HE EXPECTS TO BE SCARED
a man is "scared" because
his feelings and experiences are telling him
that the relationship he's in with you is
WORKING...in a world where everything he knows falls apart
how come you're still standing? He can't handle
the specialness that comes from this...
he stays because he's knows he's good
the reluctance...
he's getting used to the idea
of not being scared

Downside of being scared?
the opoposite holds true
everyone he knows is telling him
if he's scared, means there's something wrong
(but he's just scared about there being nothing wrong and doesn't realize it!!!)
so he begins like women to look for reasons
...And here's where things usually go to from
bad to worse for most women-
Because of a man pulling away and you seeing
that he's scared... you try harder to help the
relationship stay together and make things work.
But the harder you try, the more he ends up
feeling UNATTRACTED to you, and you strengthen
his belief that you're the wrong woman for him
because it's takes so much "work" just to be
together.

My solution....?
well
I'll turn to betrand...
 Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness

On my way to work on the curve to the left in juhu Galli
I see these young. thin but sturdy boys washing rickshaws
today there was a bit of traffic so we slowed down
Enoguh for me to catch sight of a bulky rickshaw guy
slide his arms down the boys in what can only be described as a caress
the boy jerked his head back to look at the rick guy, and met my gaze
highly disturbed I tried to push the image from my mind
but his look will forever haunt me...

I wonder whether the absence was as pronounced for them
as it was for me
to see the chair that framed the contours of a good head on those smart shoulders
framing someone else's
To me it feels like a break up or more so like a someone died
the loss for me is so palpable...I want someone to say something
hey react say SHE'S GONE!
maybe they're still in the stage of denial (EKR)
maybe they're grieving silently
maybe they've moved on already
while I sit staring at her extension
unable to dial, not having her pick up
not hearing her crisp hello is too much
I choose to walk across to the west wing instead,
as if to convince myself
she's not here but I am
and for now here's where I'll stay
and she i console myself, is but one call away

just woke up and made myself a cup of tea (lemon)
I used my new yellow gas lighter
always having had an automatic light up
this was strange...but nice
a touch of him early in the morning
because he bought it for me
"don't want you using matches and putting your hands so close to the flame"
he said handing the yellow lighter (it had tiny flowers on it)
"but incase you still need matches here are longer ones" he said
handing me a match box from vie
(always a back up :)
First Day back at work
I wonder how it will be ...
I so want to crawl back into bed
and go backto sleep
(me: i don't want to go to school tomorrow; he: so don't go)
(me: i don't want to go to my meeting. he: so don't go)
(so easy...for A to say...)
just a thought how many 20 somethings can say...
I don't want to go to school today?

good day?
bad day?
mad day?
sad day?
I need a day
to get me thru this one