The ambulance is blaring behind my rickshaw
and I am suddenly aware
of a sense of panic churning in the pit of my stomach
the siren is so loud but I can still hear
the woman in the rickshaw beside me tsk tsking to her cellphone
about how the noise is drowning out her voice
I feel my body stiffen my fist clench
I'm biting the inside of my lower lip
and I'm right back there sirens blaring
noontime flyover traffic stretching endlessly into juhu gali
daddy lying there
and me trying to smile and say its ok dad
I think if I had known how serious dad had been at that moment
I wouldn't have been able to sit calm
I'd be outside the ambulance
physically trying push traffic out of our way
I thought I had "handled" it pretty well
I mean that's what everyone kept saying
oh how calm chris was
how organized
how mature
everytime an amulance goes by me
I loose it
I feel it
the visceral tension
its happening again
and I feel like the people in the ambulance I feel for the patient
as the apathy like the traffic surrounds me
the trapped feeling the angry feeling
the feeling like I want to get out and push the traffic away
out of the way
I will never forget the feeling of being in that ambulance
the feel of the steel bench beneath me
my elbow on the window ledge one eye on dadd
keeping him talking
trying not to cry
whispering an incessant prayer
please don't let daddy die.
Promise me if you're driving you'll let the ambulance go by

From Selfish Bitch to Sorry-ass Doormat
and why I can't and won't swing both ways

You might be a doormat if…
you are constantly doing favors for people and no one ever offers to help you.
You might be a doormat if…
everyone you know leans on you for support but no one is ever there when you need a friend.
You might be a doormat if…
you keep letting people walk all over you.

Don’t be a doormat!
So here I stand with a battle in my head me against myself... my internal self concept of a giving generous person, who display concern and care in the form of compliance with request is pitted against my idea of a free-spirit-feminist-who will not be pushed around
The new tone setting off alarm bells is the gendered context in which the continum is now placed against.
Lets look at my genders role in a marital context for instance...the idea of "servitude" is assigned disproportionately to the wife, and women who do not conform to this expected streotype are relegated to "selfish bitch"-end of the continum. (no matter how liberated a man may be, he still wnats to be mothered) hey guess what so do I.....
Even "religious servitude" is assigned disproportionately to women....
but really for this discussion Forget religion lets just examine cultural views, women are called selfish for choosing (sometimes with limited option) to work outside the home, for choosing not to work inside the home, to have babies via c-section to avoid labor pains, some people gasp at the thought of a woman choosing to have an epidural!!!, in additon women are called selfish for choosing to have abortions, even to not bother to have children, women who can't have children are still pitied words like "barren" and "childless" still apply, as do looks of selfrighteous misguided pity and sympathy, when all the while people don't even realize its a CHOICE~! they're CHILD-FREE

On the other hand we're bombarded by a pseudo capitalistic-pop psychology loving-yuppie producing-ayn rand-esque culture who says "selfish is good", "I need to be selfish sometimes", "I'm doing this for me" coupled with encouraging advertisments saysing "go ahead indulge", "pamper yourself, you deserve it" and the like...this mass hypnotic encouraging of overindulgence is mis construed as "liberatedness" breaking out of the sorry ass doormat mould...when all it is doing is binding us once again in mislabeled packages, dressed up to be carted off and left in some proverbial attic or up on display in some proverbial store front....right back to the selfish bitch end of the continum...

I want to figure out why selfish is a bad thing...I also want to know how did “help” and “support” come to mean “be silent and obedient”
how did the expectation of care come to be equated with do as I say always...and always say YES
I want to dwell in the space between...carve a niche for me on the equator separating selfish bitch and sorrry ass dormat because nonoe of those is "me"
we’ve just never quite struck a balance that gives women permission conceptually just to not be social doormats. So we need a new word for what we are ‘allowed’ to be that is not ‘doormat’, but that is also not ’selfish’.
I don't want to be selfless (which reeks of the same issues that childless brings)

I want the child-free equivalent of "selfless"

yes that's what I want.

I'm thinking more along the lines of self-full, like thoughtfull it will be someone with enough self esteem that they're not approval seeking and sorry-assed-doormat like at all....it is a term that will acknowledge that we women have autonomous selves and emphasize striking a healthy balance between give and take....

That’s often easier said than done, right?

my "selfish" concern here is that "selfish" has been a term always ascribed to me, as an only child I never really learnt to share because I never had to ; so when there were instances when I did, share (or had to), it wasn't a natural response, self absorbed is another term ascribed to me, though A would argue against me, I am the least self absorbed girl he knows, (but then A always sees me as all good)
Given that the term "selfish" gets thrown around a lot in my life, I have been very vigilant of my behaviour, keeping in mind my self concept of the " natural giver, a generous and loving person" (often going out of my way for family and friends) I have to balance against the ever prevailing "taken for granted syndrome" which plagues a lot of us.
The truth is people do tend to use you and take you for granted if they see how giving and forgiving you really are. It’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact of life....and I have seen it happen so many timesI want to avoid it in relationships thta wnat to last....
How?
by setting boundaries.
Set boundaries and let people know that you cannot always do favors, or respond to every cry for help that you hear.
Generally if someone asks for a small favor, they will not be terribly hurt if you say, “I wish I could but…" and let them know your reasons why you can’t help this time....even if your reason is I don't feel like it....if they are hurt/offened etc then they need to question their motives for not being able to take "No" for an answer.
I feel so strongly on this matter...
sigh

then what of unconditional love? is that not selfless in the traditional concept of the word?

then what of equality?

then what of all my ideas of you and me

sometimes the universe sends you angels
in the dread of the night
throught angst and agitation
angels, ever present
anticipating your need
angels to talk you through it
angels to put you to sleep...

I was always vermilion
until she almost put the sun out
so I drudged myself to your cabin
wearing the decade's biggest pout.
things have changed quite a bit for me
(I almost smile as wide as you)
within the cabin's security
you painstakingly scrubbed my blues
you broke that pedestal of gold
in exchange for just granola bars
I never got you blue-tack rolls
but you still glued my whiny scars
I know a boy who knows of you
he tried to break his heart
it was easy, just a girl or two,
and he was happy to see the parts
I asked ‘why did you do it, man’
now isn't it all amiss
‘the point’ he said, ‘is now I can’finally meet Chris miss!
it was your soothing support
that steered me to the rays and the turkey might be a little cold
but I thank you for today.

Happy Thanksgiving,

A client sent me this....posted with permission of course...

"You can express your deepest of truth's even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it..."

If you spend just a little time and energy
learning to break your own patterns that are
in your way to love and a great relationship...
And you're willingto address YOUR PART in
either creating a great relationship, or having
one that only brings you pain and heartache...
then you can't say you didn't try...
but all this "talk" worried me
does it help?
to tell the "other"
your deepest darkest thoughts?
can you then expect objectivity?
to tell someone..."I don't think you're sincere"
and not expect them to take offfence?
how then can we make it safe to say anything?

"When we were YOUNG....."

Remember when we were young....we saw the world differently back then....
things were always bigger, people nicer, cost of living cheaper, the city-a lot safer....
I remember going back to my school and wondering how the hell it had gotten so small,
had the stairways shrunk? had the corridors shrivelled up?
the ceilings seemed lower....ah but then again I was older.....
Remember when we were young how we misheard a lot more
how we hear it now and go, "oh that's what they were saying"
and I'm not just talking about lyrics here....I misheard PRAYERS!
I remember the month of May community rosary at our cross,
at the end of the road (or the beginning...depending which end of the road you're at)
always exciting because of the snacks later...
vada pav, synthetic sweet "rasna" and potato wafers
and who can forget the boiled kabuli channa
which fyi was the only thing I was allowed to eat...
during the Lords Prayer also called "the Our Father" colloquially
(disclaimer: people always rattle off these prayers and I was very very young)
I always thought the line " but deliver us from evil amen"
was "Batata vadas are evil amen"
(remember I was very very young)
which made me wonder why they were serving those later if they're evil
and during the "Litany of Our Lady"
where the correct response was "pray for us"
I kept hearing wafers
Clearly my issues with food started early in life
(also come to think of it, this was probably because
I wasn't "allowed" to eat wafers OR batata vadas)
sigh...
I also said helichopper...:)
eM has a host of misheard lyrics from childhood...
(hope this convinces you to post about them)
Remember the song "informer"?
should've been called "indecipher" instead...
I know these two (enterprising) boys
who photocopied the jacket of their "snow" tape
and sold the lyrics for rs 5
(told you they were enterprising...)

Have a misheard lyric?
or a funny misheard line?
make me laugh post it below...

This Post has been removed
because I shouldn't have

My other blog's a blog-of-note
(a post from cessational)
in response to a question about why I am the way I am
do the things I do and say the things I say...

"All I am doing is refining the lies that I tell myself and others to make me seem acceptable against some poorly defined standard of his that I will never meet"

(this line is not mine...I dunno where it popped into my mouth)

picture by funny

the cape-let, poncho inspired trend of the season calls for a re-post

Is it too much to ask for?
simple pleasures, like good books and sleep galore
boys who don't bore, cuss or snore
some amount of going out a little staying home
long conversations on the phone
a night of drinking and no pain in my head
sunday afternoons cuddled up to him in bed

dining out, or coffee with friends
less traffic, more air, non egg shaped trends
a couple of nights of dancing fun
ending up with "the one"

the ability to handle the smooth after the rough

Am I asking too much?

"Most likely to ride it like its stolen"
I love the beach more thn any other place outdoors
but the water in winter is so very cold I need to wear a jacket before I ride out....

because the flake runs deep....

mouth opening,

lips moving,

to myself I speak so loud

I can hear

tongue forming words

that never reach your ears.

You remain silent,

and I,

in my weakness,

in my missing you haze

type word after word

on an internet page

this post is so flaky it might as well have dandruff....but read on @ your own peril and check out the new chat box....
There's a nip in the air last night I had to take a jacket
last night was also shopping day two:
i realized the size for16 yr olds @ limited too is too big for me
i'm eating a Vat of London dairy tiramisu to compensate for that
and I'm convincing myself that the ridiculously expensive river island skinny jean
is meant for all body types
and the zara line is pure wool n winter
so no bombay-girl can get away with angora and merino in 28 degrees
s-i-g-h
i want winter
:S
ooooh and guess what caught my eye a cK watch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now you must know I wear no watches
and haven't worn watches or wanted to wear watches ever!!!!
so this watch is mighty interesting to have
a. caught my eye
b. made me try it on
c. incited me to actually buy it.

Time-Travel
Its 18 degrees and sunny, I'm wearing the new golden bow hair band from claires (yes A I know you're cringing) and my new sunglasses that were waiting when I got off the plane...
travelling is getting better....i guess people have finally realized airports suck staff at airports suck flights will be late lets all just grin and bear it and be nice...and this is what happened...

I’m starting to not hate airports as much….I’ve given up being miserable and just go through with this spirit of adventure younnoh we never know what could happen….after successfully avoiding getting ripped off by the luggage wrap boys I head straight into the longest check-in-line ever tin the history of chris-travel…right behind tall uncle with lovely tweed jacket, he smiles and I smile back, Paris? He asks me….I’m tempted to say no Chrisann, but shake my head and say unfortunately not….where then he asks not Kuwait, erm (no need to be horrified uncle kuw is a fine place, I refrain) yes actually I say noticing that we’re the only two people in the line with wrapped luggage…30 seconds later he’s handing me his business card which is an all new record for me! (at airports of course) The sour i-hate-this-job faced kuw airways ground staff boy, who’s limited power is “pushing passengers”, in the check-in-line comes to the blue collar worker head of stylish uncle and me and says only one bag no trolley he says, aree says blue collar so what one bag, heavy heavy long line need trolley, sorry says sour-faced ground staff, taking great pleasure in confiscating the trolley, I’m about to ask where does it say no trolley for a single bag, when stylish uncle surprises me by stepping up and saying in true Bombaywalla camaraderie, arre bhai bag mere trolley pe rakh de I glance at the neatly wrapped luggage, black delsey two piece set just like mine, he lifts surprised blue collar’s bagand place atop his own, now aram say stroll to the counter he says, sour-face is speechless as he tugs away blue collars trolley, I am beaming and stylish uncle is droning about the price of water in paris.
After getting my boarding card I lost track of him, I’d already been asked twice if I was a business class passenger, much to my delight and despair…I sashayed to immigration, the officer said I look better than my passport picture, they always say things like this I’m bored I stifle a yawn and am about to walk off when a old lady taps me on the arm, I take in her hennaed hair as orange as the competing tobacco stains on her teeth, I’m going to Kenya she announces proudly to me are you? I grin and say no, the officer is smiling too….she is oblivious, do I have to show him anything she asks in hindi, yes I tell her and point to her passport and boarding card, she obediently hands them to the officer, as I turn to walk away, she grabs my arm, wait she says show me what to do, I’m not going to Kenya I say…and then I figure what the hell I’ll help her, ok I’ll wait I stop and wait the officer turns to me and says tht nice of you I fel a flush of embarrassment flood my cheek, she is once again oblivious she hurries over to me she’s excited and eager, she asks if a plane is like a car, a bus I tell her like a bus with wings, she says she won’t open the windows I tell her its ok no one can open the windows she thinks that’s unfair, she says they should let people breathe the clean pure air, I nod I know its futile to explain de pressurization, I ask for her boarding pass, she’s boarding at agte 6 me at 3
I lead her to the escalator but something tells me she won’t be comfortable with that so as everyone queues up at the escalator I head for the stairs she smiles and tells me she doesn’t like the moving steps and is afraid her saree will get stuck, I understand my nani has similar escalator phobia, I walk her to her gate she asks for the plane, I tell her is beyond the glass, she wants to know if my stop is before hers, the bus analogy has stuck I patiently tell her we’re on different planes, she looks worried and I quickly reassure her that she will be fun, she wants instructions on what to do next, I explain security check to her, walk her to her line point out the machine she is reluctant to part with her hand bag, her neighbour gifted it to her she said, because in Kenya people have hand bags she notices I have none, and syas its ok everyone need not have a hand bag, she doesn’t know shes talking to emelda of hand bags. She finally has to enter I ell her I can’t go beyond that point, she says bye and clasps both my hands in hers and thanks me, I say it was no big deal, it wasn’t…and I wave and turn to walk away she grabs my arm again its starting to be a pattern with her I’m surprised with a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek, a feeling of warmth goes through me, I linger watching protectively her progress through security check, I walked off to my gate and settled in a chair….to watch the lounge movie with nagrajuna, prabhudeva and a surprisingly svelte southern siren….

every action has an equal and opposite reaction...and other things that go wrong in my life

So here we are again months after where we were
and we're still here though he has come such a good long way
and I don't wnat to go anywhere
and you want to stay
so if we're on the same page
why am I preparing for you to go away?
she talked of commitment
and how she saw it for us
and what she said made so much sense
I mean, when you have the freedom to be with whoever you want to be
you still choose to want only me....
without the ring of marriage to fence us in
you still pick this relationship we're in...
now that is commitment....
the trouble with us is that
he thinks if theres fear theres something wrong
and I don't need anythign to be wrong to be afraid....
because its ok to be scared

Hey now, hey now When the world comes in They come, they come To build a wall between us We know they won't win ...

"in your eyes...forbidden love...if I had one wish love would feel like this"

Its easy to weave a safety net from a fantasy

its different when you're dealing with reality

three years later will you be able to catch me?