At the start of the new year instead of resolutions,
I've made a list of things to do...
Ill revist this post in the course of the year
to strike out what I've worked through...

1. Mend a quarrel,
2. Seek out a forgotten friend,
3. Reply to that letter
4. Share some treasure,
5. Not raise my voice,
6. Keep a promise,
7. Find the time,
8. Forgive
9. Listen more,
10. Back down for the greater good,
11. Think first of someone else,
12. Be quiet and still,
13. Laugh a little,Laugh a little more,
14. Express my gratitude,
15. Pay the compliment first
16. Procrastinate less with important matters
17. fix finances
18. fix some teeth.
19. call my gran every week
20. make it to mass.

The Grinch of new year's eve....
I do believe I'm jinxed when it comes to new year's eve
I always seem to have indeterminate or half baked plans
of course there are always plans
but not the ones I'd like to make more like the one's I end up with...
I can hand pick three new year's eve nights
when I actually had a good time
but most years I'm wishing I was somewhere else...
and even if I was having a great time something was amiss
they were there he was not, I was sick had to stay home, he was there thye were not,
I dunno why I end up doign anythign anyway...
Why why do I succumb to the pressure of making plans to begin with?
ok so yes...I always want to party...but not really in the quintessential sense
my ideal new year's eve would be a quite picnic on my terrace
on a soft rug with cushions and a meal i'd cooked myself
candles champagne and him
but since that's not going to happen...
I'm ok with a party at home.... rather than a commercial thing
but then part of me wants to head out, like out of town like I did one year
but not to goa coz I hate goa at this time its over run with strange and dirty people
the thing is actually figuring what I want and then having it all fall into place
lets see....I think i'll keep it simple....
I want the cliche
I want the date
the wine
the music ( howie day's collide or a place beyond the sun-shine down)
the slow dance
the kiss at midnight
I want the magic to last me thru the new year
when times get hard and I'm about to loose it,
I want to take deep breaths shut my eyes
count down from ten
and imagine what it felt like to be in his arms and pressure f his lips on mine

I want a perfect new years eve for once
but year after year it evades me

hey you know how the universe conspires to give you what you want...

Trouble at Twelve

There's another party on above me...
on our terrace... and the cops have just left
heading to their party I guess...
the music is still blaring
Christmas time is always party time...
full of fmaily and friends
filled with good cheer, whisky wine and beer
I was introduced to this gorgeous boy
his mother insisted he talk to me
we smiled shyly at each other
as his mother went on about how lovely I was as a child
and how well I've grown
when she asked what I do I said I'm a counsellor
and I teach psychology to grade 11 and grade 12
she paused and said My son is in grade 12
we stopped smiling at eachother

MERRY

CHRISTMAS!!!!!

He Read To Me...
so I have the tooth ache from hell
I mean I shouldn't really be surprised now should I
Anyone who knows me half as well
knows my dentist phobia, wholly intolerant of pain
I allow as my procrastinating princess self would
all my teeth to wither away into cavernous holes
that only root canals can solve or salvage
so there we have it root canal number two, half way through
and of course I don't go back to complete it...
well, its come back to bite me. literally.
Presenting, the tooth ache from hell ....
Now only searing pain can prompt a trip to my dentist
pain for curing pain...ah the irony of it all
even more ironic is the fact that he cannot touch the tooth
nope can't do a thing, not until the infection subsides
so whoo hoo I'm stuck with...ah yes you guessed right PAIN
he will see me after Christmas, "can't have you spending Christmas with a cheek that looks like its concealing a cricket ball now can we" says dentist....
no no I don't care how my cheek looks get rid of this pain
(I can't believe I said I don't care how I look)
5 diff meds later I can chew
and the penne bolognese went down fine last night
but the pain came back with a vengeance so he stayed up way past mid night
and read to me
I could tell he was tired
I could tell from the slight strain in his voice
he could tell I was hurting
he could tell from the fact that I wasn't saying a thing
(quite unusual for me, still and quiet)
he read till he heard the (alleged) sound I make when I'm falling asleep
and we hung up

If I could escape And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together and Tell me boy,
now wouldn't that be sweet?

Yesterday the relationship felt new again
Rememeber the early dates of early days?
time spent in debate and discussion, rapt atention
pouring out thoughts
I feel this way how do you feel
testing waters
and looking for differences within our similarities
I'm right brained, heavily visual and in love with words
he-left brained analytical, a wordsmith
He is wind and I am fire
he swept me up
and I ignited something within him
he doesn't play by the rules
I fear not outcomes
for what is life
sans air, sans light?
for those who think we need to part ways
I think we need new path ways

Ok so I was sick and in hospital and now I'm back

I would like to thank my Nu who stayed up with me
through the throwing up and shivering
and multiple bathroom trips,(causing his papa to ask are you pregnant chris?)
mixing electral,hand holding, whine tolerating,
forehead kissing and for telling me he loved me
even when he looked distressed about it
thanks to my aunt and gran
K who brought flowers, vrayons
and brightened up my days
my parents who called incessantly
all the relatives
friends and well wishers
who called and came
and called again
eM who kept the gossip going
A for the sarcasm
Ab for the funny texts
and Ian...sweet sweet ian
who really didn't have to but did...
and last but certainly not the least My doc
who I dream of...
oh and God of course...
well yes so I'm back...

THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE
BY INVITATION ONLY

If you wish to continue to read this blog

post your email address as a comment

or mail me

@

chrisann_me@yahoo.co.in

Happy Reading...

if love is a seed

then our lives are its soil

and through our lives

it lives and unfolds....

I want..

no dams

more security

less escape

I want you to know ....

Even if you don't mean to upset me

I will be upset

but explain

because I will understand

I will be inconsistently consistent

and you can count on that

Illusion dies, expectation dies

"we" exist nevertheless

we can repair and renew

I want you....

to be not afraid,

to try harder

to feel exhausted afterwards

but satisfied

to say what you're feeling

like you did that night

to falter

like the hero that makes mistakes

but wins in the end

I am

perhaps projecting...

The ambulance is blaring behind my rickshaw
and I am suddenly aware
of a sense of panic churning in the pit of my stomach
the siren is so loud but I can still hear
the woman in the rickshaw beside me tsk tsking to her cellphone
about how the noise is drowning out her voice
I feel my body stiffen my fist clench
I'm biting the inside of my lower lip
and I'm right back there sirens blaring
noontime flyover traffic stretching endlessly into juhu gali
daddy lying there
and me trying to smile and say its ok dad
I think if I had known how serious dad had been at that moment
I wouldn't have been able to sit calm
I'd be outside the ambulance
physically trying push traffic out of our way
I thought I had "handled" it pretty well
I mean that's what everyone kept saying
oh how calm chris was
how organized
how mature
everytime an amulance goes by me
I loose it
I feel it
the visceral tension
its happening again
and I feel like the people in the ambulance I feel for the patient
as the apathy like the traffic surrounds me
the trapped feeling the angry feeling
the feeling like I want to get out and push the traffic away
out of the way
I will never forget the feeling of being in that ambulance
the feel of the steel bench beneath me
my elbow on the window ledge one eye on dadd
keeping him talking
trying not to cry
whispering an incessant prayer
please don't let daddy die.
Promise me if you're driving you'll let the ambulance go by

From Selfish Bitch to Sorry-ass Doormat
and why I can't and won't swing both ways

You might be a doormat if…
you are constantly doing favors for people and no one ever offers to help you.
You might be a doormat if…
everyone you know leans on you for support but no one is ever there when you need a friend.
You might be a doormat if…
you keep letting people walk all over you.

Don’t be a doormat!
So here I stand with a battle in my head me against myself... my internal self concept of a giving generous person, who display concern and care in the form of compliance with request is pitted against my idea of a free-spirit-feminist-who will not be pushed around
The new tone setting off alarm bells is the gendered context in which the continum is now placed against.
Lets look at my genders role in a marital context for instance...the idea of "servitude" is assigned disproportionately to the wife, and women who do not conform to this expected streotype are relegated to "selfish bitch"-end of the continum. (no matter how liberated a man may be, he still wnats to be mothered) hey guess what so do I.....
Even "religious servitude" is assigned disproportionately to women....
but really for this discussion Forget religion lets just examine cultural views, women are called selfish for choosing (sometimes with limited option) to work outside the home, for choosing not to work inside the home, to have babies via c-section to avoid labor pains, some people gasp at the thought of a woman choosing to have an epidural!!!, in additon women are called selfish for choosing to have abortions, even to not bother to have children, women who can't have children are still pitied words like "barren" and "childless" still apply, as do looks of selfrighteous misguided pity and sympathy, when all the while people don't even realize its a CHOICE~! they're CHILD-FREE

On the other hand we're bombarded by a pseudo capitalistic-pop psychology loving-yuppie producing-ayn rand-esque culture who says "selfish is good", "I need to be selfish sometimes", "I'm doing this for me" coupled with encouraging advertisments saysing "go ahead indulge", "pamper yourself, you deserve it" and the like...this mass hypnotic encouraging of overindulgence is mis construed as "liberatedness" breaking out of the sorry ass doormat mould...when all it is doing is binding us once again in mislabeled packages, dressed up to be carted off and left in some proverbial attic or up on display in some proverbial store front....right back to the selfish bitch end of the continum...

I want to figure out why selfish is a bad thing...I also want to know how did “help” and “support” come to mean “be silent and obedient”
how did the expectation of care come to be equated with do as I say always...and always say YES
I want to dwell in the space between...carve a niche for me on the equator separating selfish bitch and sorrry ass dormat because nonoe of those is "me"
we’ve just never quite struck a balance that gives women permission conceptually just to not be social doormats. So we need a new word for what we are ‘allowed’ to be that is not ‘doormat’, but that is also not ’selfish’.
I don't want to be selfless (which reeks of the same issues that childless brings)

I want the child-free equivalent of "selfless"

yes that's what I want.

I'm thinking more along the lines of self-full, like thoughtfull it will be someone with enough self esteem that they're not approval seeking and sorry-assed-doormat like at all....it is a term that will acknowledge that we women have autonomous selves and emphasize striking a healthy balance between give and take....

That’s often easier said than done, right?

my "selfish" concern here is that "selfish" has been a term always ascribed to me, as an only child I never really learnt to share because I never had to ; so when there were instances when I did, share (or had to), it wasn't a natural response, self absorbed is another term ascribed to me, though A would argue against me, I am the least self absorbed girl he knows, (but then A always sees me as all good)
Given that the term "selfish" gets thrown around a lot in my life, I have been very vigilant of my behaviour, keeping in mind my self concept of the " natural giver, a generous and loving person" (often going out of my way for family and friends) I have to balance against the ever prevailing "taken for granted syndrome" which plagues a lot of us.
The truth is people do tend to use you and take you for granted if they see how giving and forgiving you really are. It’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact of life....and I have seen it happen so many timesI want to avoid it in relationships thta wnat to last....
How?
by setting boundaries.
Set boundaries and let people know that you cannot always do favors, or respond to every cry for help that you hear.
Generally if someone asks for a small favor, they will not be terribly hurt if you say, “I wish I could but…" and let them know your reasons why you can’t help this time....even if your reason is I don't feel like it....if they are hurt/offened etc then they need to question their motives for not being able to take "No" for an answer.
I feel so strongly on this matter...
sigh

then what of unconditional love? is that not selfless in the traditional concept of the word?

then what of equality?

then what of all my ideas of you and me

sometimes the universe sends you angels
in the dread of the night
throught angst and agitation
angels, ever present
anticipating your need
angels to talk you through it
angels to put you to sleep...

I was always vermilion
until she almost put the sun out
so I drudged myself to your cabin
wearing the decade's biggest pout.
things have changed quite a bit for me
(I almost smile as wide as you)
within the cabin's security
you painstakingly scrubbed my blues
you broke that pedestal of gold
in exchange for just granola bars
I never got you blue-tack rolls
but you still glued my whiny scars
I know a boy who knows of you
he tried to break his heart
it was easy, just a girl or two,
and he was happy to see the parts
I asked ‘why did you do it, man’
now isn't it all amiss
‘the point’ he said, ‘is now I can’finally meet Chris miss!
it was your soothing support
that steered me to the rays and the turkey might be a little cold
but I thank you for today.

Happy Thanksgiving,

A client sent me this....posted with permission of course...

"You can express your deepest of truth's even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it..."

If you spend just a little time and energy
learning to break your own patterns that are
in your way to love and a great relationship...
And you're willingto address YOUR PART in
either creating a great relationship, or having
one that only brings you pain and heartache...
then you can't say you didn't try...
but all this "talk" worried me
does it help?
to tell the "other"
your deepest darkest thoughts?
can you then expect objectivity?
to tell someone..."I don't think you're sincere"
and not expect them to take offfence?
how then can we make it safe to say anything?

"When we were YOUNG....."

Remember when we were young....we saw the world differently back then....
things were always bigger, people nicer, cost of living cheaper, the city-a lot safer....
I remember going back to my school and wondering how the hell it had gotten so small,
had the stairways shrunk? had the corridors shrivelled up?
the ceilings seemed lower....ah but then again I was older.....
Remember when we were young how we misheard a lot more
how we hear it now and go, "oh that's what they were saying"
and I'm not just talking about lyrics here....I misheard PRAYERS!
I remember the month of May community rosary at our cross,
at the end of the road (or the beginning...depending which end of the road you're at)
always exciting because of the snacks later...
vada pav, synthetic sweet "rasna" and potato wafers
and who can forget the boiled kabuli channa
which fyi was the only thing I was allowed to eat...
during the Lords Prayer also called "the Our Father" colloquially
(disclaimer: people always rattle off these prayers and I was very very young)
I always thought the line " but deliver us from evil amen"
was "Batata vadas are evil amen"
(remember I was very very young)
which made me wonder why they were serving those later if they're evil
and during the "Litany of Our Lady"
where the correct response was "pray for us"
I kept hearing wafers
Clearly my issues with food started early in life
(also come to think of it, this was probably because
I wasn't "allowed" to eat wafers OR batata vadas)
sigh...
I also said helichopper...:)
eM has a host of misheard lyrics from childhood...
(hope this convinces you to post about them)
Remember the song "informer"?
should've been called "indecipher" instead...
I know these two (enterprising) boys
who photocopied the jacket of their "snow" tape
and sold the lyrics for rs 5
(told you they were enterprising...)

Have a misheard lyric?
or a funny misheard line?
make me laugh post it below...

This Post has been removed
because I shouldn't have

My other blog's a blog-of-note
(a post from cessational)
in response to a question about why I am the way I am
do the things I do and say the things I say...

"All I am doing is refining the lies that I tell myself and others to make me seem acceptable against some poorly defined standard of his that I will never meet"

(this line is not mine...I dunno where it popped into my mouth)

picture by funny

the cape-let, poncho inspired trend of the season calls for a re-post

Is it too much to ask for?
simple pleasures, like good books and sleep galore
boys who don't bore, cuss or snore
some amount of going out a little staying home
long conversations on the phone
a night of drinking and no pain in my head
sunday afternoons cuddled up to him in bed

dining out, or coffee with friends
less traffic, more air, non egg shaped trends
a couple of nights of dancing fun
ending up with "the one"

the ability to handle the smooth after the rough

Am I asking too much?

"Most likely to ride it like its stolen"
I love the beach more thn any other place outdoors
but the water in winter is so very cold I need to wear a jacket before I ride out....

because the flake runs deep....

mouth opening,

lips moving,

to myself I speak so loud

I can hear

tongue forming words

that never reach your ears.

You remain silent,

and I,

in my weakness,

in my missing you haze

type word after word

on an internet page

this post is so flaky it might as well have dandruff....but read on @ your own peril and check out the new chat box....
There's a nip in the air last night I had to take a jacket
last night was also shopping day two:
i realized the size for16 yr olds @ limited too is too big for me
i'm eating a Vat of London dairy tiramisu to compensate for that
and I'm convincing myself that the ridiculously expensive river island skinny jean
is meant for all body types
and the zara line is pure wool n winter
so no bombay-girl can get away with angora and merino in 28 degrees
s-i-g-h
i want winter
:S
ooooh and guess what caught my eye a cK watch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now you must know I wear no watches
and haven't worn watches or wanted to wear watches ever!!!!
so this watch is mighty interesting to have
a. caught my eye
b. made me try it on
c. incited me to actually buy it.

Time-Travel
Its 18 degrees and sunny, I'm wearing the new golden bow hair band from claires (yes A I know you're cringing) and my new sunglasses that were waiting when I got off the plane...
travelling is getting better....i guess people have finally realized airports suck staff at airports suck flights will be late lets all just grin and bear it and be nice...and this is what happened...

I’m starting to not hate airports as much….I’ve given up being miserable and just go through with this spirit of adventure younnoh we never know what could happen….after successfully avoiding getting ripped off by the luggage wrap boys I head straight into the longest check-in-line ever tin the history of chris-travel…right behind tall uncle with lovely tweed jacket, he smiles and I smile back, Paris? He asks me….I’m tempted to say no Chrisann, but shake my head and say unfortunately not….where then he asks not Kuwait, erm (no need to be horrified uncle kuw is a fine place, I refrain) yes actually I say noticing that we’re the only two people in the line with wrapped luggage…30 seconds later he’s handing me his business card which is an all new record for me! (at airports of course) The sour i-hate-this-job faced kuw airways ground staff boy, who’s limited power is “pushing passengers”, in the check-in-line comes to the blue collar worker head of stylish uncle and me and says only one bag no trolley he says, aree says blue collar so what one bag, heavy heavy long line need trolley, sorry says sour-faced ground staff, taking great pleasure in confiscating the trolley, I’m about to ask where does it say no trolley for a single bag, when stylish uncle surprises me by stepping up and saying in true Bombaywalla camaraderie, arre bhai bag mere trolley pe rakh de I glance at the neatly wrapped luggage, black delsey two piece set just like mine, he lifts surprised blue collar’s bagand place atop his own, now aram say stroll to the counter he says, sour-face is speechless as he tugs away blue collars trolley, I am beaming and stylish uncle is droning about the price of water in paris.
After getting my boarding card I lost track of him, I’d already been asked twice if I was a business class passenger, much to my delight and despair…I sashayed to immigration, the officer said I look better than my passport picture, they always say things like this I’m bored I stifle a yawn and am about to walk off when a old lady taps me on the arm, I take in her hennaed hair as orange as the competing tobacco stains on her teeth, I’m going to Kenya she announces proudly to me are you? I grin and say no, the officer is smiling too….she is oblivious, do I have to show him anything she asks in hindi, yes I tell her and point to her passport and boarding card, she obediently hands them to the officer, as I turn to walk away, she grabs my arm, wait she says show me what to do, I’m not going to Kenya I say…and then I figure what the hell I’ll help her, ok I’ll wait I stop and wait the officer turns to me and says tht nice of you I fel a flush of embarrassment flood my cheek, she is once again oblivious she hurries over to me she’s excited and eager, she asks if a plane is like a car, a bus I tell her like a bus with wings, she says she won’t open the windows I tell her its ok no one can open the windows she thinks that’s unfair, she says they should let people breathe the clean pure air, I nod I know its futile to explain de pressurization, I ask for her boarding pass, she’s boarding at agte 6 me at 3
I lead her to the escalator but something tells me she won’t be comfortable with that so as everyone queues up at the escalator I head for the stairs she smiles and tells me she doesn’t like the moving steps and is afraid her saree will get stuck, I understand my nani has similar escalator phobia, I walk her to her gate she asks for the plane, I tell her is beyond the glass, she wants to know if my stop is before hers, the bus analogy has stuck I patiently tell her we’re on different planes, she looks worried and I quickly reassure her that she will be fun, she wants instructions on what to do next, I explain security check to her, walk her to her line point out the machine she is reluctant to part with her hand bag, her neighbour gifted it to her she said, because in Kenya people have hand bags she notices I have none, and syas its ok everyone need not have a hand bag, she doesn’t know shes talking to emelda of hand bags. She finally has to enter I ell her I can’t go beyond that point, she says bye and clasps both my hands in hers and thanks me, I say it was no big deal, it wasn’t…and I wave and turn to walk away she grabs my arm again its starting to be a pattern with her I’m surprised with a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek, a feeling of warmth goes through me, I linger watching protectively her progress through security check, I walked off to my gate and settled in a chair….to watch the lounge movie with nagrajuna, prabhudeva and a surprisingly svelte southern siren….

every action has an equal and opposite reaction...and other things that go wrong in my life

So here we are again months after where we were
and we're still here though he has come such a good long way
and I don't wnat to go anywhere
and you want to stay
so if we're on the same page
why am I preparing for you to go away?
she talked of commitment
and how she saw it for us
and what she said made so much sense
I mean, when you have the freedom to be with whoever you want to be
you still choose to want only me....
without the ring of marriage to fence us in
you still pick this relationship we're in...
now that is commitment....
the trouble with us is that
he thinks if theres fear theres something wrong
and I don't need anythign to be wrong to be afraid....
because its ok to be scared

Hey now, hey now When the world comes in They come, they come To build a wall between us We know they won't win ...

"in your eyes...forbidden love...if I had one wish love would feel like this"

Its easy to weave a safety net from a fantasy

its different when you're dealing with reality

three years later will you be able to catch me?

"love treid to welcome me but my soul drew back...gilty of lust and sin, love tried to take me in love tried to break me"
I've talked a lot about love and relationships on this blog,
examples from my life and lives of friends etc
I've never really talked about what it is to love me
what it takes or what happens to me or the person who dared
I guess I never wrote about it coz I wasn't brave enough
even now as I type I'm scared...to elaborate
Given the fact that I've had body image issues for years
(oh yes I have no image in my head of my body)
I never had a fear of being unloved
I have just always known that I have so much love to give
that I was waiting for a vessel to pour myself into
fill it up, an insatiable sponge like boy
thirsty and needing my love to slake his thirst
but this is still me loving
what about me being loved?
I worry that I have as yet no clarity
on the exact neural network that the pattern would evoke
but I know this, I take a lot of convincing
loving me is hard
and I make it harder
is love like trust earned?
tom robbins compared love to an "outlaw"
like an outlaw, love lives by no rules
so words like "safety", "security"
well they do not exist in love
to love me is to feel unsafe and unstable
to love me is to worry about the next mess I'm goign to make
to love me is to care about the crazy kids i talk to
to love me to t love my nani
to love me is to put up with my mother
to understand my father
to get along with my friends
and be interested in my work with women
to love me is to ignore the many boys who will chat me up
ask me for my number (in front of you) or send a drink to our table
to love me is to frequently want to beat up people who hurt me
to love me is to lie in the dark and comfort me
dry my tears with little butterfly kisses and rock me to sleep
to love me is to know which night I don't want to talk but let my tongue to the talking
loving me is hard and I make it no easier
when I second guess you
to love me is to make sure I can love you too

Early Halloween...and things that go bump in the night...
So this weekend, I threw a party ,
one of three parties I throw in a year...
theme: halloweeen, early, I know because A said no one would come to my party on a wednesday night
so there was I in black satin with my horns glowing red
my green eye shadow and my boys jack, jose and johnny amongst others...
and my friends :) who were lovely and brought presents!
eM we missed you...drunk dialed you and made incoherrent sounds
KVA wore the mask from scream
and A came as himself which is supposed to be scary enough
there were bat cut outs on the wall
and stange orange fruits like mini jack-o-lanters
and skeleton lolly pops
and a scary story game
where each one picks a chit out of an empty malteasers box
reads a line and starts a story stops the next person picks up a chit and continues from
where the previous person left off using the new line...i had made several chits,
they had something like "the coffin creaked open and I saw..."
to which all the responses (from the boys) had the words doobie
and finshed off with a chours of "oh yeah"
everyone left by around 4-4:30
only to head for the after party next evening at Zenzi
remember sunday salsa?
well yep
there we were again
recovering from the night before with apple martini's and prawns in dashi sauce
my thighs hurt
i have holidaze
and the book i'm reading
gets the juices flowing
speaking of juice i'm gonna go get me some...
i am so tangential tonight tsk tsk

"I'm not a fan"...and other funny things boys say to me...

sunday salsa at seven
place: Zenzi
a free class for beginers
so away went we
him n me
he's valet averse
I wear high heels
so he usually drops me off before he goes
a zillion miles away to park

(tangent: one cold winters night in december, christmas eve actually, the night the wind chill factor caused frost bite in the desert, daddy decided to park 2 blocks away from the church causing me to run thru icy rain soaked gravel in pencil heeled boots to avoid turning into the snow queen)

So slasa at seven on sunday
I alighted and walked in
within 10 secs of entering a boy had asked me to dance
which is very odd see
I've always had this thing that boys never ask me to dance

countless catholic weddings and not one dance later
I'm taken aback when not one but four ask
i'm safe when I pull out the I'm waiting for someone card
and soon he's there pulling and pushing
as we attempt to salsa
during the break
I hear a boy call my name
chris?
I'm looking at him
but can't seem to place him
you know me from somewhere I ask?
yes I recognized you from your blog
he's beaming
Oh ok I say
very shocked
when I meet a reader in person
oh you read my blog
i say rather incredulously
as if I'm unaware that 30 odd people hit this page daily
yes i read it he says follows it up with
and no I'm not a fan he says hurriedly
ok i said
i tapped HIM
He turned to my un-fan
he reads my blog i said
i'm not a fan said un-fan
rather impolitely
the appropriate response would have been hello
so you're not a fan
so ok
so at least you made one post

Nostalgic Me

Below I've listed out a bunch of old DD serials we used to watch
(way back when cable was still nascent)....
Oh Boy just thinking of 'em still cracks me up...
Here They Are...
MungeriLal Ke Haseen Sapne. (Remember the eye twitch thing:)
PHATICHAR. ( the whole hobo pipe thing.........and the erratic running about)
Mr. Yogi ( Mr. Yogi Mr Yogi Sing it...........Mr. Yogi Mr. Yogi , hey didn't he die?)
KaramChand (India's very own sherlock complete with carrots and Kitty!!!!)
Hello Inspector. (hello hello hello hello.Inspector..............hehehhehee)
Ek Shoonya Shoonya (100)...(Was in Marathi but I bet you'd remember this wannabe detective flick.)
SIGMA.(You have just gotta remember this Star Trek meets Jupiter moon flick....sheesh remeber Jupiter Moon?)

Ok Lets do this...
everyone's gotta write a how to poem about themselves....

because Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

How to be a chris….

Load up on chocolate, sugar will suffice
Wear pink
Acquire a taste for celibacy & spice
Shop
Make sure your eyes can lie
Learn to whine. Cry
Be a walking contradiction
Within your chaos, order will thrive.

Damn regret, I'll try to forget Don't worry about me 'cause I'm refined
Cast my line to see what's behind Did you think you'd persuade me to let you go?

I found my old diary and the contents made me cry
it made me feel as if my first real love was one big lie
I flipped its dusty pages my words looked up at me
the hurt the pain the conflict in ink for all to see
and then i found the last page, page seventy three
which had on them, his last true words to me
"I never stopped loving you, I just stopped telling you"

Don't Judge the Juice By Its Colour and other clever things chris says
Decide once and for all if you want a relationship or a relationshit
Controll is an illusion
Barbadi Dot Com
Chaotica: Chaotic C (chrisann) A (my last name)
Masquerading weed
Ugly is as Ugly does
Love is Bind
Havanly (pooja context)
Strunk (stoned + drunk)
Appsaholic
gave him my come wither look
Dont you wish your girlfriend was NOT like me
words unmeant can't be unsaid
Hormone Hostage
Investment wanker
Once you know how can you continue to ignore?

HA HA HA

"I ain't saying she's a gold digger...."

Courtesy A


THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST
http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/rnr/439983703.html

What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically: - Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? - Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there? - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out? - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER Dear Pers-431649184: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know. **********

The Advice: Dear Pers-431649184: I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom). I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match. I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn't found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts. The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money - such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow? What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him. Here's an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy - who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley - miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses. And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she's been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with - you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour). I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn't consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

" hold me now...I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down ...

Curious is our permanent state of mind…
curious of a more pensive than nosy kind…
book stores set for us that stage
where our natural curiosity can find its release,
I know you feel this too
though the thought may only now cross your mind,
since I sort of brought it up…in the way I usually do

I love to go with you to book stores
its our area our kind of scene,
like the familiarity of travellers
when they return to places they have been,
books we’ve read are the monuments we’ve already seen,
there are of course other books galore,
like places we have yet to explore…

you’re in science fiction
I'm in Indian writing in English,
every book we read or look in and see
is a reflection of ourselves
our individuality
I pull down a book or two, hold it up,
I know the title grabs you,
we smile at each other knowingly….
I find another book by him,
you recognize immediately his name,
I flip through the pages
disappointment casts a shadow on my face,
you know its because I think the paper quality is not good enough,
you get why I won't buy books at signals
but why I'll download mp3's

We scour the shelves,
sometimes together mostly apart,
I walk up to you, I hold up a book,
I'm holding "flirt",
you smile you hold up "stumbling upon happiness"
You get it…you get me.

"if someone said three years from now it will be all gone..."

SOUL FRY

Why must A make stupid mallu face?


A and his bevy of beauties...
D gets horny with C

"That last kiss I'll cherish...Until we meet again...And time makes It harder I wish I could remember....But I keep Your memory...You visit me in my sleep"

Maintaining a three year relationship is not easy
like cars relationships need constant work
servicing
pampering
and unlike cars
it doesn't have to be a depreciating asset
even if the rest of your assets are depreciating
which they eventually will (mind it!)
which is why after three years its comforting
to have him sit across from you at dinner and say
"gosh your boobs look so good
it still gets me"

Pet Peeves (or things i hate)

constant interruption,

a sleepless night

debilitating love,

cellulite

thighs-from-another-planet,

unsollicited parental advice

diapers,

lies

cheaters, haters

posers deflaters

commimentment phobes

cheapskates

emotionally unavailable men

blind dates

indecision

lillness

miscommunication

racists

country music

air supply (did they die?)

secondary smoke

drinking and driving

dirty-in-bad-taste-jokes

bad breath

bo-sweat

doing dishes

profanity

smug married "mrs"

people who bore...

I'll come back with more...

"I can promise you...That by the time we get through...The world will never ever be the same...And you're to blame"

all of love's labour
went for a toss
what doth I profit from
if all profit was from loss?


And so it goes that day followed night
and it was day again, playing tricks on me when
I went quietly along no protest
kept still held back at night's behest
and I was swept and I was floating
a pattern he said that needed breaking
somewhere a constant stayed
through the night in dreams I played
and when I woke as if from sleep
when I came up from the deep
I knew that everything I saw, everything it seemed
had been a dream within a dream
in waking would I truly seee
in new day's light reality?
or shut my eyes
willing the night back in
melatonin creeping from within
a pattern chris you cannot break
doomed by fate to my escapades
I thank the night for its cool dark cloak
and on night's chest my tears did soak
fingers crossed I hope and pray
waking will bring in the new day....

"if this ain't love....why does it feel so good..."

back to Bombay city from the city of joy

stocked up on rasgullas and mishti doi

visited shanti niketan abode of tagore

bought leather purses and sarees galore

sketched the voctoria memorial and chowringee lane of l'amour

"feels like i've gone off the side of a mountain......I'm standing here offering a stranger my heart"

errant one
child like
steeped
in uncertainty
in her naivety
opens
her heart
to
the first
hint
of the future
a glimmer
of hope
brings
all surrender
foolish
childish
silent tears
unfulfilled wish

"Who's that girl?"

So tonight we went to the jungle restaurant, all the way in malad (pronounced ma-lid)

machaan was its name....

amidst the fake trees with plastic leaves and soft toy animals

not to mention bamboo and flowing water

sadly this is no jungle retreat....

and then....

I got mistaken for a Television actress

who's that girl? said she to he

she's from TV

ha ha ha laughed him n him n him and me

erm no

not

I don't even watch TV!!!

such excitement....

autographs available

call me....

" and still you call me codependent, somehow you laid the blame on me, somehow you laid the blame on me "

The other night I asked him
what would he change about me
if he could change just one thing...
he paused, and I waited
spinning out the other answers i had heard before....
taller
thinner
less whiney
what would he say?
the moment took an eternity
then he turned facing me
and said...."If I could change just one thing...I'd make you cry less"
and I liked it better than Darcy's "I like you, just the way you are."

"My polyamorous friend, You got me in a mess of trouble again....i never hust anyone...I never listen at all"

The guy next door said...

"There should be some new law that whoever decides to break up a relationship or walk away, will have to pay the other person some kind of Severance package , which considers time, effort and money invested by the other person in the relationship - All calculated with the help of some magical spreadsheet, which I am volunteering to help design. Seriously, its high time we started signing a Pre-Nup style contract in a Relationship. Its only fair, considering the emotional lows that the other person is going through, at least he/she doesnt have to be broke paying the last credit card bill which includes the £120 dinner they had together when he/she was told that they had no future together. "

To which I said:

I hate the thought of pre-nups under the following conditions...
(though I might sign one myself*)
* I would sing a pre-nup if the rationale was that... I take with me what I brought, you take what you brought, and we split the stuff we get together equally....(if there are no children)
but in the usual battle of me against myself....I have to say I'm quite undecided
PRE NUP GOOD OR BAD?
If you actually love the person and aren't after their money,
there is no reason to be pissed off by this....
on the other hand if you loved someone and didn't think they're after your money,
why would you bring a pre-nup into it?
spinning in my head thoughts of
'Oh my God, doesn't he trust me?
Doesn't he love me?
Does he think we're going to get divorced?'

Part of me feels if you're inheriting property and dependants like,
aging parnets, family or children you need to protect your interests
but then again I say protect from whom?
the one you love and are about to commit your whole life to?

For 1st marriages where there are no children,
a large part of me feels that they are insulting,
even with a disproportionate asset accumulation.
If you have to protect your assets from this person,
then you shouldn't be marrying them.
For 2nd marriages where there is already an accumulation of assets
and children need to be protected, they could be very helpful.
Just as a piece of trivia-- the existence of prenups
is considered evidence of not being committed to marriage in annulments.

don't pre-nups just reek of dooming yourself to failure?
its like i tel my kids in class
if you start off a chapter saying I can't study this
you won't
you start of a marriage saying if we get divorced....
then....
As a recent headline in Psychology Today asks: Is it possible that a prenup, while pretending to be your ally, can actually "sow the seeds" of divorce?

I think pre-nups are our way of telling ourselevs its ok to fail at this
the proverbial saftey providing an out
there are NO GUARANTEES

But then again no one gets a guarantee in life.
You have no guarantee that the person you marry will not change over time.
In a perfect world, two married people would work on their relationship;
however there are marriages where only one partner is working on the relationship,
while the other has lost interest
there's also the thought that having a prenup would cause someone to take that out
and stop working on their relationship


you cannot insure happily ever after, using a pre-nup!



safety sucks stay safe stay secure stay alone!

"don't speak I know what you're thinking & I don't need your reasons"

The trouble with us is that he wants to be the first one the only one
I want only to be his last one....

They say the one who cares the least in a relationship

has the most power

should be one of the laws of physics he said...
more like chemistry I said
since recations to eachother have biological correlates...
Chemical reactions in humans are responsible for most of the love stuff
and to display an uncaring attitude and disdain forrelationships will score,
but only sometimes
I think I'd rather have no relationship than end up at I don't care...
because if i do indeed cease to care, then there's not much of a relationship left there
now isn't it?

Didn't you know Controll is an illusion....
everyboday loses

"you look so fine....I want to break your heart and give you mine...let's pretend we get a happy end...."
S0 as I was saying... don't dare me to do stuff
I mean really
you'd think he'd know by now that I cannot resist dares
:P
little known fact, crazy but true
lets recap for you shall we...

jump to this afternoon
time : 3:00 pm suhi lunch
Me: oh eat the wasabi
he: OH! I didn't see the wasabi!!
Me: well eat it now
he: are you mad
Me: (wide grin) I dare you eat this wasabi ball
he: you must be mad, I'm not eating the wasabi ball
Me: chicken na na na na na
he: oh yeah! you eat the wasabi ball
Me: ME!??????
he : aha aha eat it
Me: what do I get if I do? (pretty smile)
he: erm...(short pause) 1000rs to spend at mango
eM: 1000 bucks only!! dont be cheap to eat that ball of wasabi you'll have to up it
Me: yeah right I'd get maybe a button for a 1000 @ mango
he: okay okay eat it and you get to pick any one thing at mango
Me: anything?
he: any ONE thing...and you can't just swallow it you have to chew
Me: (hesitating a bit) ohkkkkkkkk
he: and you can't drink water or anything after...
eM:oh chris don't do it don't do it (to him) her eyes will sting her throat will burn
Me: Ok fine not water and i'll chew
fingers poised over chopsticks
picked up ball
poped in mouth
deep breath
He: show show don't swallow
Me: (smashing it with my tongue and opening up) see its all here
He: Oh GOD! she's doing it!!!
Me: (newly brave or very stupid, still rolling seemingly gigantic ball of wasabi on tongue)
Still here...
Me:( swallowing... ) all gone...
eM: yay
Me: yay
He: (probably in his head...shit piss damn f%&*)

heheheheehehehehehehe
jump to Mango @ linking rd bandra
I try ona dress and four shirts
before I finally zero in on cute dress
which he insists I already own something exactly like it
Its gorgeous
I try it on
he approves
I'm wearing it as I type :)

So since I'm not your everythingHow about I'll be nothing? nothing at all to you (nothing, nothing)
Going to parties without him is difficult
see being in a relationship so long I've forgotten my combat skills
younnoh...single girls who aren't looking are more guarded than girls with bf/escort/body guard
we have a gamut of skills to keep unwanted attention away
but lately I've noticed that the natural/ (exponentially gained) techniques
or my famous ice-cold unapproachable demeanour have been eroded away
by the fact that when I am with him,
I'm safely ensconced in the proverbial peed around circle
its an unconscious communication of unavailability
now I'm so used to that secure bubble
i've lost out on the skills of communicating "single but unavailable"
my guard is not up and my shield is not functioning either
leading to lots of people crossing the uninterested barrier
with his arm around me, I'm being congenial and chatty
without it I'm easy prey...perhaps easy lay?
for so long have I been a girlfriend, I forget when random boys
say "my room was designed by xyz, its so cosy would you like to see it?"
the answer A says, design monkey in my head should have said
"oh no thanks but I'm sure its lovely"
9 more days to practice being single and unavailable
But is it just me?
steeped in my naivety made even more so
by the fact that I don't see my self as "prey", "target" etc...
note to self: add hottie to self concept.
yuck!
even typing that makes me cringe
but the more unaware I am about how i come across to other people
the less likely the possibility of tackling the situation...
sigh

"You read my eyes just like your diary, oh remember, please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more If I hurt you, then I hate myself, don't wanna hurt you Why do you chew your pain? If you only knew how much I love you I won't be your winter I won't be anyone's excuse to cry We can be forgiven
I will be here "

me: "I don't think even I can spend 145 crores in a year!!!"
He: "Yes you can...in fact I'm sure you will..."
He: " She could be one contributor to the GDP, based on how much she shops"
"like copntribution from agriculture , banking snd...chrisann "
"the finance minister will have to issue a statement, we were not expecting this however the rise in liquidity seems to be due to the purchasing power of one consumer only...Chrisann!"

very punny
but highly educational
my knowledge of what American sub-prime mortgages are doing to the world's economy's
is outstanding....

Baby Im telling you, youve been gone too long,
Youve been gone too long, youve been gone much too long.

Its been Nine days since I heard from him
first time in three years we've been completely cut off
disappeared without a trace like cut off
even when we had that forced separation we cheated
texting, blog posting and msn is still communication

This time we're well and truly CUT OFF
and how do I handle it?
BADLY!

Nine whole days and counting.....
Nine days since I saw his number flash on my phone
nine days since I heard him smile
and I am numb from not knowing
resolve is cracking
patience is lacking
displacing and being displaced upon
I want to tell him
next time darling don't be gone so long

"In the winding down hours I let your heart down again (What did I do to make a scene so gory?) (I'm no better than the ones before me) Old habits die hard I always end up hating the end
Battered and bruised Broken confused It's time we both knew Can't stop what I started This time we both lose"

Its the winter of my discontent...
wars waged against self
hedging bets
and losing all around...
look ma no hands
what's important
friendship
loyalty
compassion
integrity
forgiveness
but will you forgive me?

pretty in pink
nice, you would think
but you'd be wrong
with all my givens, gone
he expects me to move on

there's no love
no money
no thrill anymore

waaaaaaaaa
why doesn't he want to be my friend?
waaaaaaaaa
I thought I'd be over this by now but I'm not
it plays like a skipping CD
over n over n over

I know A would say chris please shut the f@#$ up
but then A doesn't swear @ chris :P
but seriously
is it true the vile thing chris tucker (or was it chris rock?) said
"men don't have women friends, they just have women friends they haven't f@#$%^ yet"

Is it true that – men and women just work differently.
I'm talking about romance, friendship, and everything in between.
that point "between" being friends and being lovers.
could it actually be true
could it be a fact that men basically want to and are willing to sleep with any woman
– sisters and mothers excluded (included for ones with oedipal issues)
:O
quelle horreur

I know men compare women all the time
(ok women do it too, but only some)
I sense this in-built scoring system
like their obession with numbers
whether inflation rates or football stats
for men, women rack up scores too
(women with a good rack even more so...)

10-7 conquest-arm candy-to be taken to the next high school reunion,
future mother of your children perhaps?

6-5/4 sleep with them, but probably won't be shouting about it from the rooftops

4-3 six pack and a paper bag? also sometimes called "village bicycles"
—fun to ride, but you don't want any of your friends catching you doing it.

2 n below The bottom rung. Odds are never sleep with them,
just can't drink these ones pretty, keep them around for their pretty friends
(but only 4's 5's and maybe a few 6's)
(WHAT!?!! sometimes semi-pretty girls like to have less "attractive" girls to hang out with to make them look better by comaprison, because lets face it everyone compares)


while a man just puts every girl he meets on the score board women, on the other hand, actually have 2 sets of, not scores, but criteria a different system for men as lovers and men as friends

men as lovers
please note: the numbers are not a score but the criteria he met on the mental check-list

10-7 dreamy meets almost all of the mental check list, intelligent, well groomed, clever conversationalist, good job, this could go somehwere

6-4 This guy is definitely worth sleeping with, but possibly not the perfect specimen.
usually its some flaw, very hot but very dumb, very nice but smokes...you get the picture.

3-1 last resort guys that women would sleep with, possibly as a direct result of low self esteem, a dry spell, the guy will usually have one big USP...a great sense of humour, nice smile, good listner or for some girls very wealthy. but not all of the afore mentioned characteristics just one.


men as friends: this is not even a scoring system this is categorized....

The could've been: this is the great looking guy with the complete package that has a girlfriend and so he goes on the permanent friend list, we women tend to get almost matrenal about this type, almost like a projection of what we'd want we're likely to give this guy great references and try to hook him up on a date with a friend. will often be invited to double date.

The go to guy: often refered to as the best friend the guy we're totally open with, he is usually an attractive guy, quite good looking someone we've known for quite a while, he may be privy to details even the boy friend doesn't know, the guy we go running to for a guy's opinion, he is always available to meet our emotional needs, lets us cry over the phone and hugs us when we need it, takes us out to dinner, accompanies us shoe shopping and is just the sweetest guy imaginable.
However, its likely we never felt a spark when we first met him,
and so therefore he's forever banished to friendship status,
even though he regularly flirts with us and when drunk he tries to kiss us.
We put up with it and make him think that there might be a chance because we like having him in our life and don't want to hurt him. Can be gay. Very rarely has a girlfriend, knows all our other friends, hangs out with the boyfriend as well...

The purely-platonic friend: these guys are usually old friends from college or a colleague, not very attractive, may have a speech impediment, could also be gay, is good to hang out when we have no other plans, he's usually the back up plan, we know he'll buy us that drink, we knows he will take us to that movie that the jerk boyfriend doesn't want to see. May or may not have a girlfriend, very rarely invited to meet our other friends.

Now that you know the system
why can't we be just friends?

"its my party and I'll cry if I want to...you would cry too if it happened to you"
so its not really my party
its his birthday
and he's miles away
not even on land
unreachable
and I feel really bad
about not even being able
to wish him
so I will sulk and pout
and apparently sneeze away
happy birthday darling
eat some cake for me

so while being bed ridden I've been watching a lot of TV
(what don't give me that jaw dropping expression...yes I can watch tv too...I mean what can I say its just hanging there on my wall pretending to be a picture)
so as I was saying, I've been watching tv
and eM and i happened to catch that hideous show
"beauty and the geek" OMG
after much slagging of what we have to put up with on the telly
we hit on something
(ha ha very funny hit on an IDEA, it hasn't come down to hitting on things yet)
we have a plan her and her highness
given the fact that we answered both beauty and geek questions on the show
(except for the screw driver one)
we have decided
that if given a chance we'd go on that show
aha we totally would
oh yes we would fake it for 25,000$
it being, pretending to be dumb (yes I can skillfully manage tht)
befriending the "geeks" (I am after all the little friend of all the world)
and would actually be our very smart selves
winning every challenge
and walking away with the cash
feeling all smug I lay on the sofa (still otp with eM)
and then she says
but we'd be the beauties right?
I mean we wouldn't be the geeks right?
CRASH
(went my day dream)
ofcourse!! I said
(note slight hesitation in voice)
we then changed the subject
that wentworth miller is such a hottie yes?
oh yes.....

I think the post below is causing misunderstandings about my friends
those who are...have been lovely as always
bearers of kind words and food, chocolat, flowers, cheesy delights and cake
hugs and late night conversations, and even distance can't keep the love away
so just to clear the air out there
my friends
and you know who you are
have been lovely
so thank you
and thank you
and you and you
and yes even you...

meandering thoughts lead to only one conclusion
no one knows what's wrong with me
every report shows up clear
then pray why am I in pain my dear?
maybe its pms
she said
maybe its all in your head
he said
maybe you should just drop dead
I said

Only when ill do you realize
who your true friends are
who cares
and how cellularly alone you really are...

hurt back
bed bound
:(

I'm always amused at how certain talk is permissible contextually
over heard:
Lady at desk: "where's your urine?"
man: "here, I hope its enough"
Lady at desk:"yes yes"
Lady at desk:"and stool? why haven't you brought your stool?"
man:"Its not mine, its hers"
Lady at desk:"ok where is it?"
man:"she's trying but its not coming"
Lady at desk: (to attendant) "she's not giving the stools, its not coming"
attendant to person behind screen: "Mrs. pal's not passing stool"
man:"but she's trying"
Lady at desk:"ok come back with it later"
me : TWILIGHT ZONE!!!
poor Mrs. Pal whoever she is

I want to always be startled by an engine backfiring

upset by poverty and disgusted by acts of violence

So last night was a blast....

"I went to soul fry last night
was dragged there after class by carol actually
wanted me to practise singing in public
before i sang at the ceremony
her chub-friend ashwin came along
I was bored to death
happily slipped into a stupor
as I sipped my cranberry bacardi beezer...
when I noticed at the table in the far corner was kalika's office mates
all around me people were singing
DUH they had to be
it was a karaoke bar
lol
then Jaya an office mate of kaleex started singing bachelor boy
it was hideous
like the hounds ofhell had taken up the mic themselves
i braced my ears for more tone-less singing
when the slightly loud but nevertheless cute corporate type
at the next table started booing her
"boo"he shouted "someone take the mic away"
"boo"he said again encouraging a few more boo's from across the bar
i was horrified, he's boo-ing jaya i said to carol
let it be, she said her back turned to corporate type
but i couldn't let it be
i leaned towards his table
and in my most chrisann-ish moment said
"don't be rude"
"what?!!"said corporate-type
slightly disbelievingly as if he hadn't heard me
'you're being rude'
I said...."

I found this in my drafts
I had never posted it
the date reads 17-8-2004

"Show me how it ends, its alright....show me how defenceless you really are"

Here it comes....5 years of blogging!!!!!!
It started as "The blog about nothing"
and quickly became a blog about something
everything
briefly called "Not a girl not yet a woman"
(sigh unfortunately that is true!)
(the name i meant not my maturity levels!)
it gradually took on a confessional mode
hiding my secrets where all could see
amidst the ranting of the walking contradiction...
...me...
but knowing my mild mind
its always confessions of a harmless kind
and so it remains...
a bare all
epitome of self disclosure
splayed out for all to see
feeding vicarious voyeuristic needs
can be frustrating
to people I'm dating
reaching out
tool of dissent
place to vent
tangential
trouble maker
risk taker
story teller
image seller
wonder wall
and above all
a space of one's own
this blog is
home...

Credits as follows:
A big thank you to vishal (aka pretentious) patel for giving me the idea to start the blog in 2002
thank you to Nischint Sohal, who made my first message board back when blogger didn't have a comments option
Thanks to "tac" peer sharing buddy on win mx(good grief remember that!) who helped me with HTML
Thanks to early contributors namrata, lush, shre-B etc who read and wrote in regularly
Thanks to dad whose anti blog rants were sufficient reverse psychology to make sure this blog goes on
Thanks to entirely elementary who changed the nature of commenting forevr
A big thank you to Rod aka funny, for all the blog help and the lovely blog-bday-present, comments, publicity etc...
To My readers/ commenters especially Krash, richie, dale, funny, chetz, rowe, TLS, dish, get, dip's, ant, jun, eM, TLOB, anon (all of em)
thanks to the universe and all in it, who provide material that comes in line after line....
thanks even to the stalkers who gave us so many laughs
A huge thank you to blogger, for the brilliant periodical updates (I had my doubts about beta)
And last but not the least...thanks to my biggest fan...its easier to read this than the writing on the wall...
love you all..
-C