So you went to the salon?

what did you do?
was a question I was asked

well here are the pics
check out the hair....

and the brows

Une soiree au salon

I can only spend two entire days at home without leaving the house
I thought that if I didn't step out this evening I'd go insane
I needed a convincing excuse for self and them
so I could go out guilt free
(what with leaving sick mother etc)
wait a minute I said to self
look at eye brows
they could do with some tweaking...
so off I went across my street to the new posh building
whose lobby makes the orchid's lobby look like janta
the salon here is tres expensive
I've been there before
but of course fresh off the frank provost facial table
I was encouraged to keep up the cher pampering
(believe me in my situation I needed it)
so I march in to a room of all white-Arab women
the welcome is luke warm
everyone looks busy
I am led to a seat, I follow solely by gestures
I can't understand a word they're saying
i beam and sit down
the walls a pale peach
the soft couches in two colors
salmon, and tofu
I sigh
its so pretty
after 15 mins I worry
no one seems to be paying attention to me
(which is shocking)
sure they smile every time they glance in my direction
The owner is in the inner sanctum
I catch glimpses of her through the swinging doors
by 20 mins, I'm wondering about racism
I've heard rumours of Indians ignored in posh salon's
kept waiting till they get fed up and walk off
or waiting till the Asian (mostly phillipino) helper
done cleaning instruments and empty coffee cups
frees up to touch the not so important "customer"
My mind is reeling with these thoughts
I watch these women, the Dior bag alongside a fendi bag
three women being attended too
one is having her hair done in an elaborate bouffant
another is being heavily made up by a very pretty girl
the lady sure doesn't need it, but she encourages layer after layer
i continue to watch these women
whose sole purpose in life
is to spend an evening getting dolled up
for some husband whose anyway cheating on them with the maid

I'm not bored, or tired of waiting, but the nagging paranoid thought

of "am I being ignored"is still there

when suddenly

The owner throws open the doors of the inner sanctum
she walks over to me beaming
soft streams of arabic flow out
her accent is tempered with a hint of french
I smile sheepishly
I'm sorry I can't understand a word you're saying
you're Egyptian? yes? she asks
no Indian, i say Indian
Oh she says laughing, the other women join in
it all falls into place for them...
no wonder you say nothing she says
come with me, pretty girls must not be kept waiting
I take her outstretched hand
she leads me away from the curious glances of patrons
into the inner sanctum
sit sit she says
I choose the salmon colored couch-like chair
have a chocolat, she says
non merci madame I reply
pourquoi pas ? essai un, she says
ok, un, mais seulement un, I say
exhausting my brain with the french i've dug out
I look at the huge silver tray in front of me
an array of chocolate lies wrapped in gorgeous shades of white red and silver
I look at the label, öpera' paris it reads
I pick the smallest silver one
and unwrap it slowly
she lowers her voice
I'm so tired she says
lots of customers?, that's good right?
good business, I say...
Oh but they're all Kuwaiti
Kuwaitis they tire me out
she says, sighing
I bite into my chocolate
its centre is crisp with a buttery flavoured something
how are they? she asks
Oh very nice I say, and I'm not lying'
have one,
I only eat chocolate i make she says
the make up girl comes in
she smiles picks up another chocolate box
Belgian, and takes one
have one of these they're healthier she says
I pick one out its dark, stuffed with a maraschino cherry
it is heaven
you know what's healthy says the owner
what we say together and break into giggles
(I'm now feeling guilty for earlier racist thoughts)
slimming tea
chris, you must try my slimming tea
she gets up to go get it
we chat the pretty girl and me
she wants to get into body painting
she is warm and sweet
in a fit of congeniality
I offer to be her canvas
minutes later the owner returns with these oh so pretty cups
and we sit and sip elegantly
till its my turn to get eye brows attended to
we return all of us to the inner sanctum
to finish our tea
I must go I say looking at the clock with slight horror
its been two hours!!!
the owner escorts me to the door
chris come back every day
and drink slimming tea with me
she says beaming
I enter the elevator
awe struck by the connection I had just made...

Can you tell
you're on my mind
and I don't actively push you away
little things remind me of you
can you tell?
I know the A330 would interest you
and the t-bone steak that lay part eaten on my plate
or the hunk of rye baguette a grainy brown-n-grey
that I'm knawing (refuse to spell it with g) on right now
I think the fact that on ABC news,
a Milwaukee robber asks the woman he robbed
her phone number and called her "pretty fine"
would interest and amuse you
can you tell that I miss you?

No one shall return from this unscathed
Silent. For when decisions are made
Cards on table laid
Life forever will be altered.

Around the next corner a possibility
beckons me!”
Should I Approach without knowing … blindly
against all logic, unwisely

Perhaps now I should embrace uncertainity
As an act of self preservation
before this renders me
scarred with cynicism?

I’ve done away with convincing
I’ve done away with hoping
I will prevent you from railing
against what you so desperately fear

Most relationship endings are documented long before they happen.
The problem is that people are so busy
living their own version of the relationship
they miss the vital signs.

"änd I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the mean time I lost myself"

This time I want to be sure I'm living it
I mean if you're having a nice quiet dinner
and talking about your relationship
it might as well be over
act it out
live the change you want to see in your relationship
I am....

I wanted to weep

for the endless soviet stlye lines

the fluctuating power

the excess baggage fines

lost people wandering around

fresh off the bullock cart

from some small bihari town

lulled into brief moments of wonder

staring onto the tarmac the wide yonder

gaping at white women in tight skirts

bringingthem hot food and drinks

we're finally in paradise they probably start to think

then hurtled rudely into the desert heat

gruff guttral arabic, their greet

gone is the comfort of the endless possibility

back is the meek look, the oh God is this how it will be

Eventually everyone has to shake out of the dream world
wake up to the real world
what happens to people like me?
who has the stuff of dreams in their reality....

I wrote my Third Year BA Counselling paper on
"Terminal Illness: How we live and Let Die"
I was just thinking about how that was related to my current situation
where my realtionship could be dying...
its akin to waiting for the biopsy report to come in


In Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." ,
she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences
when informed of their terminal prognosis.
which are the stages we are going through

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening/ why is he doing this to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

we will also exhibit three particular types of behavior
which are usually exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss.
They are:

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
  
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)
  
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)

Important question that i know you're asking....

When Will I Be Through Grieving?

Actually, we'll probably never be done.

Do we forget the person we grieve for.
But Our feelings may loose their edge
and be tempered more with good memories
than sadness as time passes,
but that isn't to say that waves of raw emotion
won't overcome us way after we think
we should be done.

I think the trick here is to understand that the feelings will occur,
try to keep them in perspective, try to understand why you feel a certain way,
and if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain,
forgive yourself and others and if necessary talk with someone about it

one day at a time.....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand him;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Today at 3:00 am
I stood beside the Yamaha RX 1 (1000 cc)
turned down the rider's generous invitation
I couldn't hop on,
go ahead go ahead he said
I couldn't hop on,
in the background the bike kept up this gorgeous purr
but I distractedly thought only of how the red was the exact shade of my shoes

One week
we lasted one week apart
then like moths to light
or maggots to dead flesh
we collide again
why can't he, me , we
stay away?


Did He know me?....
tell him even princesses have scars they hide
minds that seek to be made up and
eyes that weep in the dark have stolen the tears
from pain of lovers in the ether.
we have long circled gateways of other's worlds
yet the centre of gravity pulls us to eachother
every night....no, not night
but that time betwixt dusk and dawn...
tell himI await him by streams of hope,
on a bank of dreams...
picking flowers for the slain love
whose glory shone once like fire flies
in the darkness of our lives...

RELAPSE

sigh
did it help?
or did it just beckon the happy bubble
as fingers foubd fingers
and arms (fat n not so fat ones)
wrapped around in blissful familiarity
later
I actually fell asleep
but the universe won't let me be at peace
I had a horrible nightmare
haven't had one of these for years
It was so real and I woke my self up
as my body quivered with sobs
hot tears on cool cheeks
I tried to rouse myself by standing up
knees weak
buckled beneath me
more sobs
I heard my therapist voice somewhere inside my head
she said
its not real you're ok its not happened yet
you're in bed its just a dream

THE CHILD HAS GROWN
THE DREAM IS GONE
in dreams I hack you

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on...
I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself..... seether-Fine again

I see distinct similarities betwen going to the dentist and going to the salon
scoff if you please but read on i do have a point (ok several points)

1) Both have a special chair
which once you're in you're trapped!
they have to use their descretion to let you out

2)Both have aprons (glorified bibs)
on which will eventually fall bits of your DNA

3) Both have specific instruments (of torture)
in surgical steel, taken out of sterilized container

4) You pay both to inflict pain on you
in the hope that it makes you look better

5) there's always waiting people and cotton swabs in abundance

6) Both are exhorbidant,
and you always have loads of dissonance
about what you do there

need I say more?

She: "no you two can't do this!!!!!!!!"
"its ridiculous"
"I have never seen two people more devoted to eachother"
"YOU GAVE ME HOPE"
"IF YOU TWO CAN'T MAKE IT NO ONE CAN"
me: "calm down....there is hope still...."

battle....
The weekend fills me with dread
it was always our time
i'm sick of cliches
lets go out
lets get you drunk
lets go shopping
lets get you icecream/chocolate/cake/new boy
lets get a makeover
lets get shoes
lets party
lets take a trip
lets go to aerosmith anyway
I DON'T WANT DISTRACTIONS
I WANT TO FOCUS ON US
sigh
give me a reason to knaw through the leather straps

next battle....
can't bring myself to look at my spa certificate
i just can't

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET MUCH WORSE

GUESS WHAT............

IT JUST DID

My Boss, my mentor, my friend

Sups just quit

this is my new low

what a way for the universe to kick me when I'm down

He asked me:
" relationship worked fine for 2 years. qs is can it work fine for 50?"
truth is, we don't have 50 or a million years
we have this year....
with its changing seasons
I don't kow the answers
and I think we think too much
all I know is this years love had better last....

our spring was beautiful
we played around all summer
its the end of our autumn
winter is upon us
thing is when the snow comes
will you be there to keep me warm?

Each morning I wake up to dark, no light
for there is no day, there's only night
I crawl to the mirror put on my face
get dressed, go down stairs, fake smile in place
My grandmother watches, I know she knows
I'm doing a good job of masking but it shows
inside is a wreck outside a facade
doing this waiting, is incredibly hard
I plug the i-pod into my ears
the music just regurgitates all the fears
I cry on the way to work I cry when I'm home
I resist several urges to dial from my phone
I'm being brave I'm being strong
but this wait feels so long, so wrong
I get into bed in much the same way
except its always night now, remember? no day

"I went to soul fry last night
was dragged there after class by carol actually
wanted me to practise singing in public
before i sang at the ceremony
her chub-friend ashwin came along
I was bored to death
happily slipped into a stupor
as I sipped my cranberry bacardi beezer...
when I noticed at the table in the far corner was kalika's office mates
all around me people were singing
DUH they had to be
it was a karaoke bar
lol
then Jaya an office mate of kaleex started singing bachelor boy
it was hideous
like the hounds ofhell had taken up the mic themselves
i braced my ears for more tone-less singing
when the slightly loud but nevertheless cute corporate type
at the next table started booing her
"boo"he shouted "someone take the mic away"
"boo"he said again encouraging a few more boo's from across the bar
i was horrified, he's boo-ing jaya i said to carol
let it be, she said her back turned to corporate type
but i couldn't let it be
i leaned towards his table
and in my most chrisann-ish moment said
"don't be rude"
"what?!!"said corporate-type
slightly disbelievingly as if he hadn't heard me
'you're being rude'
I said...."

I found this in my drafts
I had never posted it
the date reads 17-8-2004

I called in sick today
I tried to sleep it off
But it haunts my dreams
I had 17 missed calls
why wake up to a night without day?

My thoughts are crawling up my throat
threathening to be whatI spoke
I swallow hard
I choke I splutter
on the lump that won't go down
what should I utter
my mind clouds over
with doubt I toy
over loss of love of friend of boy

Ok So I'm On ORKUT

WORST ORKUT Ideal match thingy

jo kitchen main maa ki tarah khana banae aur bedroom main girlfriend ki tarah pyaar kare

hai hai people!
what do they write....
and do they really think its cool?

Younnoh I was reading the post below
and I was thinking about this whole self deception thing...
Lets look at deception:
I know something and you don't;
what's more, I deliberately try to conceal that something
from you, telling you lies if necessary.
That is, I try to get you to believe something
that I know to be false
so we're all clear that deception is when i'm keeping something from you
deliberately...hence deception is a matter of:
I know something, you don't; I hide the truth from you
But with this understanding of deception,
how is self-deception possible?
Do I have to know the truth about something and then,
simultaneously, hide the truth from myself?
and do I do that but repeating the lie so many times
It becomes the truth for me?
How could this be: how do I know the truth and yet tell myself that it isn't the truth?
and if the lie has indeed become the truth for me
then its my truth
and in our "relative" subjective reality
isn't that all that matters?
So why do we do it?
Self-denial and the self-deception it requires
are supposed to make life easier and safer
than confrontation and accountability
and the courage they demand.
The protection of hiding from reality appears innocent enough.
Maybe it will go away if we pretend it's not real.
Maybe it will change if we just wait it out while denying its presence.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Doing life passively waiting for "maybe"
to become a reality is to abandon ourselves to chance...

THIS IS MY TRUTH TELL ME YOURS

"Sometimes the lies we tell ourselves
become the truths we tell each-other..."
-Me

TOP LIES WE TELL

• I can quit (drinking, smoking, shopping, etc.) anytime I want to.
• I am the way I am. I cannot change.
• S/he will be sorry.
• I have friends.
• I will do it (whatever) tomorrow.
• I'm not that fat.
• I'm over him/her.
• I'm not getting older.
• Someday my dream/s will come true.
• It can't happen to me.
• I never really wanted to be that anyway, so it's good I didn't waste time trying.
• It will be ok.
• I want it this way.
  

There's always a gap between who we are and who we'd like to be
as we negotiate the distance (abyss, chasms,)
between real-self and ideal self
we have a lot of "self" talk going on

But the difference between our self-image
and how others see us is sometimes due to
misunderstanding on their part.
And part of it is due to our own self-deception.
The more aware we are of how others really see us,
the more accurately we can see ourselves, reflected
the eyes of others are mirrors in which we can see ourselves,
if we are willing and sometimes able to look.
(lie to me I promise I'll believe...sometime we make oursleves unable to look)
I may say
(and now this is just an example)

"I am an honest person" (stop smirking)
(oh yes, I'm talking to you!)
I am an honest person
(regardless of the reality of things)
I keep on saying it
because honest is what I'd like to be
still I'm lying through me teeth
but via these repetitions
I start to believe
and so when you ask me
are you lying to me
I will say no I am an honest person
till I start to believe it and you start to believe it
that's when you start to get into trouble
because regardless of what I think or you think
my version or your version
there exists in the universe the third version
of the truth
some times there are things you would like to ignore
like what was the example: of yes
I don't cheat
you may actually not cheat not want to cheat
but because you're so stuck on "I don't cheat"
you don't even realize you've started cheating
because the me and not me distinction is soooo
clear cut
its actually gotten blurry
am I making sense?
part of me is resisting the urge to babble along
but pour out my thoughts on this I MUST!
in an attempt to deny the reality within
our lies to ourselves become are truths without

so much so that we convince ourselves that it is the way it is
when in fact
it most certainly is NOT!
Perhaps the central truth about lying,
is not that we don't want to lie
we do
and we also want to be lied to.....

The cold hard truth about turning 25
is that well it feels exactly the same as 24!
I don't know what I was expecting...
But oh , the world wants a change, a brand new me
(and they're so not getting it!)
at the stroke of mid-night
I turned a year older
but I didn't get any wiser
fiscally prudent
or mature
(in fact i probably regressed)
I am the same yesterday today...tomorrow???
who knows
much to the exasperation of certain people in my life
25, has not yet made a difference
but honestly
I have to admit an invisible line has been crossed
(I'm probably in a different market research bracket)
and I can sense a difference in the air
especially with people
who say oh 25!
tick tock tick tock
goes their projected biological clock

He swears he isn't going to read this page anymore
and he's been as good as his word
so I can go ahead and write whatever i feel like
(just as I've always been doing)
Last evening he wasn't feeling too well
headache, spurred on by heat
so i figured I should cool him down
with a fun drink
I mixed it shoved it into the fridge
and poured it when he came
He took a sip
I stared as the glass was lifted
touched his lips
and the contents was swallowed
I held my breath

its delicious he said

and I beamed

(wooooooshhhhhhhhhh)

positive reinforcement

for my cullinary skills is most welcome

he took another sip, seemed to be savouring the flavour

he looked me in the eye and

said

2 parts guava

2 parts sprite

one part freshly squeezed lemon

my jaw dropped

Yes! I said, oh wiat a minute....

.... I saw his eyes jump behind me to the kitchen counter

where lay a sliced sqeezed out lemon,

an empty bottle of sprite

and an empty carton of guava juice

another beam!

Gosh he was so thoughtful last night...
despite the splitting headache
he dropped by
brought a present for me
in the form of bananas from his tree
reminded me to take my meds brush my teeth
so much TLC
and he was sick not me!!

it seems I chanced upon him..
or was it he that found me
a meeting of two strangers
who connected inexplicably
Sometimes I wonder
what you're doing here
like a ship without mooring
you've strayed my dear
into an uncharted sea
landed up on a deserted island
rocky with pieces of me

We know the power of memories
we know just what they bring
we've both had more than our fair share
and we both brought something
you tell me so much of who you're not
I can only imagine what you could be
you who spins out clever lines
and lives by the undefined "we"
Master of evasiveness and
keeping things vague
avoiding all show of sentiment
like the plague
and each time i dream it's over
you wake me
you're still here
my closet optimist playing devil's advocate
to my every little fear.
you burst into my life
you made a splash, a scene
like a box of chocolate
you brought me, dark,
white, caramel n creme
bitter sweet and soft centered....


posted once more for d,
when distance makes it necessary to say whatever I feel

Nothing has changed within me
Nothing has changed between us
Yet everything feels different
all along, all through
I've felt posititve
positive that this is what I want
I wanted to go on being with him
wanted to go on being saken by the shivers
wanted to go over the bumps in the road
I've made my way through the worst of it, now.
I'm not so clear what the worst was
With things the way they are now who knows
I could never imagine myself with someone else
I didn't think I would...or could
sititng across staring at an ink black sea
he was most distant from me
and I
well I just wnated to recapture
the incredibly vivid love we have
the all encompassing, the serendipititous love
The love I've shared with this tall man standing next to me
with this man, who I absolutely adore
who was so far away with his fingers entwined in my little ones
I wanted to hold everything in place with my little hands
and little thoughts, of love of life of loyalty and commitment
of honesty and reality and to be true tous to me
to the love
can he not? does he not feel it?

I felt as if I'd just woken up in that moment
and everything is so stark and clear its frightening
everyhtign about the night was so gorgeous
everything so perfect
and he was not there
tears welled in my eyes
and i fought the inner me
who was already willing myself away
I tried to hold everything in place with my little hands
with my weak words, my unreliable body
and a feverish mind
I want to do all I can to deal with the many scary things
that are going to start happening to us
as they have from t hat moment on...
I want to try...

There is something like being too tuned into the other
every once in a while you guage the wrong reaction
too much sensitivity
well the training wheels come off
as do the kid gloves
no more pussy footing around
saying what I feel
when I feel it
being honest not brutal
I was happy last night
I had fun
and then steadily down hill
I was so thrilled I could depend on him
to rescue me
take me home safe
and guilty I had pulled him out of his dinner with "friend"
why?

of course then all the conflicting signals
him being irritated at my apparent irritation
(me not really being irritated just guilty)
responding to his irritation
then had had a bug-a-boo moment
(why? bugging you is easy coz you're buggable)
totally mistimed
considering that he wasn't well
(more guilt)
I needed him to stop being irritated at me
(therefore more bugging)
What happened?
everythign collided
one big mess
one angry boy
one angry girl
(more confused than angry)
now confused
now penitent

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

Remember So's site?
www.tryingtogetoveryouasshole.blogspot.com
well in one discussion resulting from that
I figured how people's orkut and myspace
relationship status is very important
in a random survey of orkut/myspace/face book users
who were asked what do you think of a relationship status on these sites
83% said it was very important, and also mentioned
they put their accurate status reflecting real life
(43% said they only did it coz their partner is also on)
9% said they kept it single
(these were the 9% who also admitted to be "looking")
(LOOKING IS NOT ALLLOWED WHEN DATING ME!!!)
5% said it didn't matter to them what the
3% said they leave it off entirely

WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK?
do tell
go on tell me....

of course when suggested I look up his orkut profile
I didn't think twice
imagine my disappointment
on seeing it set at : "single"
My first thought was
over sight
must have been created earlier
NO! was created in 2006
it couldn't have been deliberate
could it?
so of course I had to ask
but being me
even a straight question comes askew
one my tongues has been through it
"what do you say when asked if you're single?"
"depends on who's asking"
"what do you mean"
"I'd tell them its none of their business"
huh?

I did eventually ask the question
why was my fuck wittage bell going off?
maybe it was the
I'm on orkut for "friends and dating (women)"
sigh
or maybe it was just "single"
double sigh
why can't I let go of this
maybe because I see this as
another example of head banging on wall
is it?
in the "initial stages"
it wouldn't have surprised me but NOW!!
TWO YEARS LATER!!!
what does this mean/how does this reflect on "us"
apparently in cyber space there is no "US"!!!!!!
"its the internet chris"
so?
"its public"
so?
what dire consequences will he face if his status reads single?
hmmmmmmmmmm
TELL TELL
do tell...

Way back when a pot of gold still existed at the end of a rainbow
I would sit at my window , watch the down pour
way back when i could guiltlessly while away hours
I'd wait for the endless showers
and the puddles they formed

Way back when splashing was forbidden
for fevers left me bed ridden
I'd make newspaper boats
and attempt to make them float
in muddy brow puddles the rain had left behind

Way back when possibilities were endless
and cousins were friendless
we had only each other to sail paper ships with
and watch whose sank first

Way back when i was still ingenious
and my enthusiasm limitless
I'd rub with wax from a candle
the outside of my paper boats
so longer they stayed afloat, and I'd win,
way back when winning was important for me

Monumentally, stupendously STUPID
(and other confessions of a harmless kind)
well knowing what a hard hard week this is going to be
one must choose to go to bed
and not stay up half the night ( till 3am)
whispering under the covers
and shamelessly flirting
with a boy
giggling
and revelling in his wit
and wisdom
sighing periodically
especially when he says
initial rush
(in the present tense!!!)
after two years my love
its just a rush
nothing initial about it