I worry about emptiness
I worry about everything in my life being wrong
it just seems all mixed up
everything that happens is immediately
past tense, once the moments gone,
now being part of a past,
it gets linked to a more distant past
what is now, will be what once was
and what once was, is all mixed up with what is
yet what was true then seems so un true now...

there must be some meaning to all of it
I sfit through the pieces
and get them all in the wrong order
events evolve everday
without any input from me
till I believe that my life
has taken on an extension of its own
and I'm hurtling down out of controll

I fear the endless as much as I love it
but I fear the unimaginative routine even more
so I cling to only one comforting thought...
what would light be
if there were no darkness
from where you could see...

I've waited so long to be understood
to understand...
I'm slowly discovering who I am
and who I could never be
sometimes a part of me looks at you accussingly
as if you "should" know
and why not?
coz you're a lot like me...
:D
Hurt, the other night I said, "you've judged me, already"
and unknowingly I judged you as being judgemental

Oh My God that post bellow so doesn't fit me
I mean I thought it, i wrote it
but when i read it
it seems that it years have passed since i
thought and wrote it instead of a few seconds
like that conversation I had with you
seems like years have gone by instead of a few months
and the time of those years has been healing

So a few of my long time readers
have been saying that the last few posts
have been way too serious
HE: "You have literally gone off the deep end"
hehehehe
ok so I'll splash about in the shallow for a bit
and tell you all about this machar that was a cat(in a previous life)
and has retained some of its nine lives coz I've smacked it several times and it won't die it just flies off again to buzz annoyingly over my head....
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
ok!
now back to our scheduled post about cheap thrills and a show called man hunt
every tuesday I try and catch this flaky show----> man hunt
ahhhhhhman hunt
soooooooo its a show thats the search for america's "TOP MODEL"
(LOL)
and these guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny
(without really intending to be,but i still get eye candy, 2 eyes full)
SIGH*
Jon Johnson, has been my favourite from the start to win
but I can't get my eyes off Rob
SIGH* Rob, so so hot and equally so so GAY
The only other hottie on TV I liked was ethan
remember Ethan Zohn who who won survivor africa

SIGH* Ethan Zohn
http://www.ezohn.com/
go check him out!!

flaky enough ??

I think
All I really want out of life
is moments of inspiration
the thrill of a new idea...
everyday falling in love with a possibility

In that sense then, I'm always
a little in love with life...
If I can just manage to see
the endless posibility
in love with the hope of what might be...

I love endless possibilitites
when my path has 3 roads or four, maybe more
where should I go?

"Everything you said or didn’t say
Will get played in my head 100 times anyway
Till its something worse than intended
Your defense, you never meant it."
-c
(From better off alone)

I woke up slow from a deep sweet nap
to the alien feel of someone beside me
(I'm so used to waking up alone)
the feel of skin on my skin jolted my eyes wide open
and what I saw made me smile
He had crawled and curled into bed with me
forming a question mark within another,
my lovely little brother

Its the second day I came early to class
I stopped by the cafe, and chose hot chocolate to be my company
topped it with some whipped cream (today seemed to deserve extra)
I'm starting to enjoy this time alone
sitting here in silence with my thoughts
on this bench on which still lingers the presence of you
its like if I close my eyes and wish, truly wish hard enough
you might just appear....
like my very own merchant of marvels....
I'm rudely interrupted by this girl in mustard and black
who feels compelled to join me
with her noisy phone and noisy food
I put down my pencil and make space for her on the bench
"what are you doing here all alone", she asks...
I might have to tell her the difference between solitude and lonliness

you sent me....
"grow old with me, the best is yet to be"
Robert Browning

My favourite Browning quote is....
"What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop? "
Robert Browning

The dream was particularly hellish, and hours into the waking world,
I can still feel that unbearable sense of helplessness,
that took me from frustration to tears of rage,
pounding my fists and sobbing out loud, the most basic question
WHY?
I can't remember much about the content, just the sensations..
In my dreams I'm crying
In the morning I'm smiling
at your welcome wave
I wonder whether
you comprehend the power
of this seemingly simple gesture
bises to my hon...

IF ONE MORE PERSON ASKS ME WHAT "We're" DOING TODAY
I WILL SCREAM!!!
"WE're" NOT DOING ANYTHING
ok?
AND I EXPECT NOTHING
NOTHING I TELL YOU
Ok?
is everyone happy now??
coz I certainly am...
:P
woooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhh
(steam let out....)

giggle*

Valentine's 2003 :
"had a lovely valentine’s dinner, splendid time just fantastic …..got home real late at 2:30 am………"

Valentine's 2004:
"Valentines day
another year Valentine less
(is that even a word??....it should be....)
Even the ones who hang around are so anti romance
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
where did my flowers and chocolate and other stuff go??

he said: "Valentine's day another form of commercialization of sentiments"
he said: "i don't give gifts or anything"
he said: " have you seen the prices of flowers..."

I heard them all...I sighed inwardly....shuddered over the plight of men in my life, went down stairs and lovingly wrapped my presents for kal and divee,and reminded my dad to buy my mum something, to save her the sighs and shudders..."

Valentine's coming up 2005
(pre-valentine week end over dinner with friends)

He: "Gawd I hate all those tacky hearts and crap like that makes me sick!"
They: nod enthusiastically
I eat my dinner silently

(to me later)

He: "I hate valentine's day don't expect anything from me"

Me: (in my head) DEJA VU!!!

"These are 21 things that I want in a lover,
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer"

HE once said, "how will I know what you want, unless you tell me?"
so I said to myself, I said,
self I know what I don't want
and some of what I want
so lets make a list...
Yes yes my readers...
These are my top 21 wants at 22 :D

1. Never ceases to surprise and amaze me (in a good way).
2. Calls me before bed to say goodnight and/or sings me to sleep
3. Wants to see me at least more than thrice a week...
4. Returns my calls and my text msgs, even if the only reply is :"ok"
5. Tells me i'm beautiful even if he knows I know and even if it isnt true
6. Is secure.
7. Doesn't cheat...even in his head!!!
8. MUST read, anything and everything, and must share thoughts on books read
9. MUST GIVE GOOD...mail :P writing that will set my soul on fire
10.Writes me poems and suprise letters instead of buying me stuff
11.Takes me shopping, and watches me try on things he picks out for me.
12.Is not afraid to stand up for Himself, for me, for US
13.MUST MAKE ME LAUGH, incessantly
14.Is patient with me
15.Doesn't yell, doesn't yell quietly either...
16.Is non violent...would never hit me...
17.Stimulates me...intellectually, physically...
18.Loves to talk to me about anything
19.kisses me whenever he feels like (so i don't have to ask!)
20.Is honest and doesn't lie to me...
21.Is not afraid to love and be loved by me...

sigh*

" i have gone back to egocentrism " said Gitika (on her site, check bellow for link)
"...everything is me and i am everything.
I have lost track of where my hand ends
and what i am holding begins"

I feel like this constantly,
its like I never left egocentrism
in an attempt to relate to the world
I relate everything in the world to me
I feel as if I can only understand and empathize
if I see it happening to me
he call's it self absorbtion
I call it empathy...(my special brand of...:P)

Ok F-I-N-E so i'm self absorbed...
i agree...
everything in the world is an extension of me
and I am the world, in me and all around me
(this line is stuck in my head, my boo would agree)
as Self absorbed as can be
born an only child,
to believe the universe revolved around me
was easy
My parents certainly made it seem so...
no one told me otherwise
then there was He...

A false sense of comfort,
lulls the void temporarily away
but its always there,
waaaaaaaa-ing in the back of my mind
as I go through each day...
false sense,
like a soft pillow you sleep on in bed
and wake up
with a brick beneath your head

in between disappointment and disillusion
the scary joy born of knowledge
still deciding whether knowing is better?
or is ignorance bliss?

How will you get AHEAD, if you're only trying to get EVEN