Its been 731 days since I know him
felt his gaze on me a 100 times and
still he makes my heart race, flush hits my face
and I flounder about like a school girl with a crush
I love him so much
I've stared up into his eys a 100 times and still
each time I look at his face, meet his gaze
I can't believe how gorgeous he is,
how lucky am I, that This guy
standing outside gate 2
wearing what I picked for him
loves me that much too...
And though sometimes our path get's rough
I know we'll make it through my love
with you looking at me that way
is easy to face any day

i know its not about how many years you've lived
but what you've done with those years
(it can't be that bad...if i don't make you sad...)
Happy Birthday darling....

who can put a finger on the feeling of disquiet
and say, indeed I feel this?
I am wholly inarticulate this morning,
groggy from a night of disturbed sleep
i stood beneath the gush of my shower
and wondered...is it all worth it?
I then disconnected my phones, myself
and trugged off to where i'm required to inspire
and shape a bunch of minds, most of who's sole preoccupation
is the urgent desire to get "laid"
like eggs...i wonder if eggs have an urgency?
or is it a transfered epithet from the hen's urgncy?
oh how it all works itself out...
is it working out for you?
"working out"
women n men "working out" so that
at least they can push their physical beings into
"working out" their relationships...
after that's done the blame is all on the "mind"
"mind", where is it?
physically located?
the brain?
so what's the content then? grey matter? thought chatter?
deep inside me a neuron, misfires.....

Dearest,
I cannot tell you how much i relate to what you feel,
having struggled with quite the same thing,
I sought answers everywhere,
(in seeking you shall find) and then realised something...
its almost disheartening....
Oh how I long to be the answer
the solution, the key that solves the mystery of your existential angst,
the missing piece...But I am not, and never will be
for the answer the key my troubled one,
lies within yourself, far away from my grasp
can only be reached for you....
you might seek it in religion, in the doing your duty daily....
but all the while all you need to do, is seek in within yourself.
You've got to love yourself, to believe that within you,
is the power to do
all that you've been longing to...

No one can fully explain the existence of another in their life or the purpose...
i'm done asking why
on the 6th of july I over stepped a boundary
(self imposed of course, but what else is a girl to do? when masks aren't unglued?)
what do you do when fate tempts you?
shows you another way?
endless possibilities.....
mea culpa
I so badly want to be friends.....till the end.....
(programed to seek out only happy endings)
all my life I've struggled with voids
filled them with food, and boys and now these days clothes or so it seems
Ï don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours"
there used to be times when all of may answers could be found
in the sliver flash of a razor against my wrist, then spots of pretty colour
on the stark white of the toilet bowl
but I am wholly intolerant of pain
so that didn't work out toö well either....
I've run away so many times
I cannot tell if i'm moving or standing still
sometimes when i read this blog I wish I were talking about other things....
I re-read my archives, in an attempt to retrace
so much angst, it seemed so out of place
every few month a test another gauntlet to be run
I should welcome it, from all that running practice
so much for expression
mea culpa (though i'd rather say, cést pas ma faute)
my wounded one,
its always my fault
as you summed it up
Ï"Trivialized it
no one planned it...
but there's still you...
you've already expected me to not understand,
so easily I feel the blame on me...
mea culpa
over and out

F uffy's!!! a bundle of them on the pavement...

With all the Talk of marriage I'm reminded...

"....She's not quite tall enough
and not quite full enough(children will take care of that)
Her complexion it was decided would compensate,
being just about the right shade of rightness to do justice to...."
From Marriages Are Made, Eunice deSouza

But mostly I'd like to say...
"IN DREAMS, I HACK YOU"

Remember the post about."Women are like apples on trees"?....it also said that, "Men are like a fine wine.They begin as grapes, and it's up to women (in their lives) to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with".

Well last night I was reminded of it........
I think I've spent enough time stomping
To have converted grapes into a fine merlot
I can bring to the table when I'm having dinner with friends.
xoxoxoxoxox

"I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers"
- hughes stays on my mind...

FINE THEN FUNNY BE LIKE THAT
FINE

FINE

FINE

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste: Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, For precious friends hid in death's dateless night, And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight: Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, Which I new pay as if not paid before. But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, All losses are restored and sorrows end
(Miranda, in the tempest...)

I can read the signs between usI feel it inside when you come nearerThere's a stillness in the air like no one else is thereAnd every moment stays in the momentTell me what we got, tell me it's a lot tell me it's the real thingTell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thingIt's a good thingTell me not to lie, tell me not to waitTell me that you want the same things as meTell me that it's fate driving me insaneTell me it's the real thingThat keeps me hangin on.....

Well, I'm 24, and I dont quite fit into my jeans anymore because the guy sitting by his work enscombed desk in his office prefering his Servers, to my finely exhibited self, has by some trick of the mind, deluded me into falling crazily head over feet in love with him.
Its been two years now, I've only just revitalised my inclination to put question to doubt, and if you ask me, which well... you're not the answer but then this isn't a Q&A session -I've never been happier. quite seriously.
So excuse me if I'm slightly sceptical, of whatever you may think about us, or whatever you may say, you know I didn't realise my jeans had to be loose for everything else to fit.

K n C @ My fave breakfast place....

I heard him speak about his wife
with so much love and pride
and i knew...
if he'd ever speak like that about me
he'd surely be the one i'd choose to marry

I would talk and he would talk, we'd discuss disclose and discover,
disagree, respectfullyand be indulgent with each other
We would be experimental,
with our food, ourselves and in bed
we'd make plans, big plans, take trips
we'd pay heed to what's left unsaid
And we'd kid not ourselves nor each other
and we'll trust coz we love one another
and raise our children so that they can be,
less inhibited, less afraid and more free
that's what I'd like it to be...
if i marry...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!!
Today the Blog turns FOUR!!!

On 16th august 2002,
I started to write a personal journal of sorts
to document the life n times of Me!
and four years later this is my 810th post
:)
I love this investment/ indulgence in myself
its a space that's gone beyond just ventilation
and has taken on a life of its own
a repository of my thoughts in one place
years from now when i'm bored or half dead
i'll hope this blog gets read
by my next of kin...
in memoriam may they say
"Though life’s road grew uphill and weary
And there was no light along her way
She never let her soul grow dreary
She lived to write another day..."

I want my hair like this.....

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men :Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get anypoints for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the gameis played.
Here is a guide to the point system :
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)......You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) ....In the rain (+8).....But returnwith Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0).....
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5).....
You pummel it with iron rod (+10).....It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0).....
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy(-2)....Named Rita (-4)Rita is a dancer (-6)...........Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)......You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)......Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)........
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face ispainted with the colours of your favourite team (-10)...

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)......You take her to a movie she likes (+4).....
You take her to a movie you hate (+6).......
You take her to a movie you like (-2).....It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)....You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)....
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)....
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyhawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10).....You reply, "Where?" (-35)......Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying whatlooks like a concerned expression (0).......You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)......
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)........She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have ???

LOL

I think I love flag hoisting on Independence
there's always some drama happening...
often adhering to the most famous of murphy's Laws
anything that can go wrong....will!
so there we stood in the basket ball quote,
waiting for everyone to be orderly arranged
while the over cast sky, got darker n darker
the Principal gave a few crisp instructions
one of which was" A little rain never hurt anyone"
and there program began...almost on cue
large drops of rain came tumbling down,
while we scrambled for our umbrella's
our poor kids stood there getting the worst of it
when it hit me, My girls are wearing white shirts!!
Point noted telepathically, by the principal,
who then had us disperse and head to the cafeteria
but before we to get there, spoil sport rain, went back from whence it came
and we returned to our positions...
and Got our flag hoisted, realised I was singing in harmony to the national anthem!
t'was all well that went well (ends well?)
speeches passionately delivered in Hindi, English, Gujrati and Marathi
(less we annoy anyone section....ignoring ofcourse punjabis and southies)
a dance to "rang de basanti"
and off home...
(oh wait tea n biscuits first)
ah, I love flag hoisting....

From angst to ecstacy
he takes me
the road goes by
driving yet flying high
and coming down
brings its own pleasure

Is it too much to ask for?
simple pleasures, like good books and sleep galore
some amount of going out a little staying home
long conversations on the phone
a night of drinking, lack of pain in my head
spending all day cuddled up to him in bed
the ability to anticipate the smooth after the rough
Am I asking too much?
dining out, or coffee with friends
lees traffic, more air, non egg shaped trends
a couple of nights of dancing fun
wanting to be his only one
why is life playing tough?
I think I've had about enough

Someone falls to piecesSleeping all aloneSomeone kills the painSpinning in the silenceTo finally drift away.....And to be yourself is all that you can do(all that you can do)...Be yourself is all that you can do---> audio slave

be yourself, stay the same
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE?
for him? for you/ for me?
unless I felt I needed to...
see change ilmplies a shift in one's self concept
so if one was happy with ones self concept
(and all the rationalizations that support it)
one wouldn't feel the need to change...
but therein lies our key problems
our very self concepts are flawed
there's the real self: what I am, unaulterated and pure
there's the ideal self: "what i'd like to be"
people who have a close correspondence between these two differing selves
know the gaps between where I am as a person and who I'd ideally like to be
(and all the supporting behaviours I'll need to get there)
Then there are the people who imagine that they've already gotten there
(to their ideal selves)
these people (who I never want to be)
adopt their ideal selves but haven't got the support of tangible behaviour
to support their claims and they mantain their stand with all the possible self defences
that exist...
confused?
lemme give you an example
say you value honesty...truth...sincerity...et al...
so for you to saÿ, Í'm an honest person"
one would need to see that reflected in your daily dealings
but mostly in being honest with yourself
if you've adopted your ideal self...
then saying Ï'm an honest person",is where it ends
so you're lying to yourself to others, yet demanding honesty from them
and you never see the gaps that exists
some times we need a mirror to reflect the gaps that exist
sometimes we need to see
the ideal is not so ideal anymore
because once you know....how can you continue to ignore?

Can you feel it crush you?
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined this is surely not your best
But you should know these colors that you're shining are...
Surely not the best colors that you shine........

On My way to work I like to watch the people who I pass daily
first is the lady under the fly over who uses
discarded bits of wood from outside the BMC office to cook up something
she's always muttering to herself, I want to watch her longer but she's
the first to fly by (or is it my eager rick guy?)
then at Juhu Gali, there's this mum n two kids
her arms around the boy while the girl stands by
(sadly I have already judged her)
at the turn towards cooper
there's this smart corporate type
I think he's waiting for his ride-perhaps its a car pool
I like to watch what he wears, he had a lovely tie today,the man in the back
I wonder if he sees me peering at him
ust after the cooper signal is this mentally challenged girl
her maid is always fussing with her hair...
As I turn there's the silver merc, its driver wears a uniform
the passenger in the back seat's a fat man, he's always on the phone
at the cooper bus stop
are my favourtie people
a young college going couple
their arms woven round eachothers waists they wait
for the bus never breaking eye contact
some days I envy their quiet intimacy...
today she was wearing pale blue her hair fell in soft waves around her face
and he was laughing at something she'd said
the road's bumpy there so I always get to see them for a little longer
'voyeuristicaly I watch everyday
one day I'll wave or smile...but I feel like i've already intruded
this post, is intrusion enough

This site is analogous to my unconscious...(or at least that's what i think this morning)
let me explain why, its like this....see every time I post, its usually spur of the moment.. not fully processed.....so, like a projective test, that draws out unconsious motives due to its ambiguity... so also, blogging elicits latent thoughts, underlying currents and issues un processed, RAW (as day would say), as they exist in my mind and they spill out in the form of text across this page, and later when I'm browsing through my archives, I can't help feeling almost like I'm reading someone else's words, such are the differences in me across time...but then true to the name-> walking contradiction, how similar some things stay, as I echo myself repeatedly, on issues dear to me....fixed response patterns??!? maybe.....
:)
If I see the blog as analogous to my unconscious, then those close to me will then be part of it, becoming a collective unconscious
(Jung will be so proud) (niel bhatavia would say rubbish-esh)
but before you're being all judgemental and pooh pooh-ing my ideas, remember they're MINE
(and this is my site :P)
speaking of the unconcious I wonder what dreaming (more like a nightmare )of giving birth would mean....
s-i-g-h
Dreams represent - in picture form - thoughts feelings and awarenesses that we are having during the day - whether or not we are fully aware of this material in our everyday waking state....
very scary dream, giving birth a-l-o-n-e to tiny baby girl
and signing name with my last name on birth certificate
very very scary
having computer lab incharge sonu's voice echoing in my head
""JNS is a very single mother friendly school"
I wanted to scream and the baby was crying, or was it me?
then I woke up (finding myself in feotal position)
(thankfully)
to (relatively) flat stomach
more s-i-g-h

A relationship works to the extent that it fullfills the needs of the two people involved.............even a prospective relationship.Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself......Most people go with the old adage, alls fair in love and war, but if we want to be genuine authentic, truthful people who value honesty, we’ll be open with our partners (even if they’re only prospective ones) It’s far easier to have multiple partners in this age of online-dating, smzing, and it works so well with the vneer of "liberated-ness" and "respect for privacy" (we're actually dying to know), which we all wear (freedom to be, for him and for me!) and its also gotten easier to keep this information to oneself with out the others finding out. In the subtleties of right and wrong, truth and grey areas, as we negotiate our emotional availability (or lack there of), and move towards our ultimate aim of finding the right mate, we have to realize that ultimately these are “real” people we’re dealing with, not just text in an email, or a voice on the phone, and real people come with real feelings.


song-o-the-moment
"can't believe itSo hard to stayToo hard to leave it
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...'
it makes me............
s-i-g-h