I'm here
I've just arrived
walked in dumped the bags
washe dup etc
but like normal people
can't hit the bed
so I'm posting instead
what an entertaining flight its been!
seated at the window blocked from the aisle
by two men who jabbered on thru the flight
and were popping strepsils like me
after having been made to get up
twice so that I could use the bathroom
"excuse me" I said, "I'm sorry I need to use the bathroom"
"again" said chatty dude
"for what" said kerala dude
I couldn't believe these guys
"i'm sick" i said rather rudely
i stormed off in the direction of the bathroom
surprise surprise
they swapped seats in a conspiratory way
so that when I returned from the bathroom
they had moved me to the aisle!!!
HAW!!
i popped another strepsils
to calm me
missing sualin terribly
when the (obvioulsy keralite) man beside me
says, "you are also wayteeng for yer ci ga rette?"
"what?" I said not making the connections
"we'yer eeeting many many stupseels bee cuz 3 awars no ci ga rette"
he continued....
"yes yes" pipped in his chatty mate," mine is ready"
he said proudly displaying a single malboro cancer stick
"I don't smoke" I said "the strepsils are for my throat"
they began to laugh apologizing profusely for having taken me for a smoker
(mis-attributuion and faulty causality my psych celf said)
they then asked me about my iPOD
(yes it was my inflight entertainment b4 these two piped up)
they were so restless just before we landed
I had to use visualizations to help them delay need gratification
(more psych celf)
"i cannot wait to smell mumbai" said chatty one
"i cannot wait to be meeting my friend" (pause) "i am been chatting with her on yahoo internet for 3 months" said kerala dude (pause) "its the only reason I'm in mumbai"
i couldn't wait to get away from them
thye were making big plans about where to smoke their ci-ga-rettes
"when we wait for bus, we wait for last bus, then we'll get two two"
"no no, this is international flight no bus wus, bridge he hoga, no smoking on bridge"
"ok then after bridge in core ree door till immigration"
"arre pandu's are waiting i'll smoke after immigration at baggage place"
"haan haan" said kerala dude sounding pleased "at baggage place long time we wait and we smoke"
I escaped quickly as the seat belt signs went off
but they caught up with me at immigration
good thing
as my pen went out and had to borrow kerala dude's pen
then escaped again but was caught at baggage claim
good thing
they lifted my bags for me
rushed off only to catch up with them at duty free
there I said bye to kerala dude
"good company man" he said to chatty dude
"and her too" he said giving my bags a pat
(figure of speech: transfered gesture, meant originally for shoulder or back, transfered to inanimate object (bag) for fear of slap (from me)
lol
in the end they were sweet
and I didn't have to carry my bags....
YAY!
arriving is lovely

THE LONG RIDE HOME:

I fly back tonight....

to the chaos that is my life

on the brink of a new year

a new start?

endings beginings

so where do I begin?

the end.

Here it is Ladies N Gentlemen

CRAZY FUNNY's

GOODBYE CURLY PRESENT!!!! The iPOD nano

in FINK!

comes with cute case

and funny's music

which is now mine

after the oh you crazy boy

and the oh I can't take this, followed by

the i'll never talk to you

and the like....drama

it was finally, OH MY GOD I love it

and thank you thank you thank you

thrilled to bits and still feeling very overwhelmed.

Dale wishing us a merry christmas from the Fox Glacier......

(with his classic, look I have my tongue in cheek""pose)

post christmas

saw me at home with friends

ally n funny

spent the day yesterday

just chilling chatting

and stuffing our faces

much like turkey's
":"0

joint efforts fail when monster hand tries to eat babie hand

This Post Comes To You live from Dunkin Donuts!!!! Its Funny n curly (curls in tact)

funny: BURP!

Chris: ewwwwwww

technology rocks!!!!!

so does earshot!!!!

EAT YOUR HEART OUT......or just donuts......funny: whichever comes first......

Oh it sure feels like Christmas
its cold and i'm all wrapped up
just like the presents under our little tree
Oh it sure feels like christmas
we're sititng here together
with cake and steamy mugs of tea
And its cold, so cold
yet I am warmed by wishes
of friends and family too
and i'm feeling very happy
but i'm also missing you
oh it sure, feels like Christmas
There's a stocking above my head
it hangs empty to the untrained eye just above my bed
but its full of hope you see
for a pessimistic girl who lost her endless possibilities
Oh it sure feels like christmas
yes it surely feels like christmas.....
it sure feels liks christmas for me......

When sorry is not enough....

damage done
I cannot take it back
promise it was love
not an attack
i will try
to fix you...
with savlon
and neosporin too
inarticulate and using
silly lines to say
i'm deeply sorry I hurt you day......

Truth

Neitzche said, "All credibility, all good conscience,
all evidence of truth come only from the senses".
and he also said.....
"All things are subject to interpretation
whichever interpretation prevails at a given time
is a function of power and not truth."

so I can only feel it in the absence of words
and I can only interpret from action....
what is and what is not...
Am I truly loved?
Am I truly let in?

I do believe therefore that there is a higher truth
one that is above the interpretations
(what you may say, or they...or what I believe)
feelings obscure this truth.....
and then interpretations of those feelings
continue to clock it out
Still, we cannot discount the universe at large
with its penchant for unveiling
where the mood lifts
and the truth as is
is there in all its clarity
but the mind will make up a hundred
reasons to justify what the heart wants....
For me what rules supreme?
the pull of a feeling? the tug of a thought?
living in the moment or chasing a dream?

Its out!! the list is out!!!
and here it is.....

Most over eaten food of 2006
chicken 65!!! And cheesy garlic bread!!!

Most over rated drink of 2006
caipirinha

My personal favourite drink of 2006
Bacardi Breezer Jamaican passion!

Cafe most often visited
Brio at JVPD

Cafe I wish I'd visited more often
Cuppa

Club I wish I danced at more often
Polly Esther's

Club I never thought I'd visit
Sports Bar!

Fave place to dine of 2006
VIE

place I'd like to visit more in 2007
HARD ROCK!

place I want to take him to
Salt water grill

place I haven't been to at all in 2006
Legacy of China

Place I have to get him to take me to in 2007
Citrus

Book I have to finish in 2007
Rushdie’s satanic Verses

Book I should return in 2007
Gitika’s ‘Reading Lolita I Tehran”

Person I should mail more often in 2007
dipiks

Place I should visit more often
My church

People I should call more often
my gran.

People I should call less
LOL need I even type this one out??

HERE HE IS!

Manan, Manan Krishna Moraje

Deepika and Suraj's first born, baby boy...

so
I'm still
ill
battling the stomach bug
with TLC from D
and warm hugs..
sports day was very exciting
jumped up n down and cheered like crazy
:>
even got a school cap!
surprisingly enjoyable
since I only attended about 3-4 sports days
in my school lifetime.....

"Please be Philosophical
Please be tapped into your femininity..."

knot in my throat
and lump in my stomach
I stand
I let
life swamp me
swirl around my feet
edge up above my waist
hitting second base
and higher
till i'm up tomu folicles in it....
the plunge is always harder
than the fall I'm reminded
but I already checked in another round
doth I protest too much....

Clever signatures take on a new dimension with dale's:....
"Thought provoking signatures are on vacation and will return on Boxing day. For any urgent needs, please contact Friedrich Nietzsche in my absence."

speaking of lovely lines...
last night we got out of the car
and like always, instinctually
habitually our hands reach for each other
fingers connect
then he turns to me,
"you still have a fever" he says
"oh no'" I said
shaking my head vigorously
"Oh yes you do" said he
"My hand knows the temperature of your hand"
awwwww said me....

What can I say....
a picture speaks a 1000 words
the mood :pensive

"Heads or tails and fairytales in my mind

Are we, we are,

Are we, we are the waiting unknown

The rage and love,

The story of my life"

"wake me up when december ends..."

When illness keeps me down, and life's a bore
I think of food and desserts galore.....

sing it with me......
Frapuchino From Star Bucks is best,
Lindt truffles put my restraint to the test
Chocolate covered doughnuts, with custardy goo
Sugared middles and Jelly filled ones too.
Crispy corn chips, and onion rings
These are a few of my favorite things……

Movenpick’s Carmelita, n sanchia’s Ice creams
Gooey fudge brownie’s, stuff of dreams
Apple pie, waffles and Mr Baker’s german cakes
Date n walnut thingy that ray bakes
Cesar’s mini croissants and Buffalo’s scorching wings
These are a few of my favorite things……

Scandinavian lobster thermador,
Batter fried prawns at SAS are to die for
Spicy Crab tandoori makes me happily cry
Chilly squid at Mahesh, Gajalee’s bombil fry
The chicken satellite at yoko’s that sizzles n sings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Tequila fired chicken a must try at VIE
Chinese Corner’s, “Chinese” biryani!!
Sukanya’s chicken 65
All stir fry’s food made, live!
The joy that Brio’s cheesy garlic bread brings
These are a few of my favorite things.

when my worlds dark
when the pain stings
when i'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite food
and then I don't feel soooooooo sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you

So,
I'm sick
and being me
I can't just stay home n do nothing
so I fixed the archiving problem
actually a guy called
"wasted" from blogger help groups fixed it...
turns out he's not that wasted afterall
*look babie archives all of 'em*
happy reading.....

Miss communication to mis-communication

ah the limits of technology plaguing me
first on msn chat
misunderstood that
attributed it to PMS possibility
I said it
but he had thought it already
does that make me an MCP?
"i'll call you back in a bit"
said he
and true to his word
he did call me
only 2 mins before the next meeting
pardon me baby
this conversation is going to be fleeting
pray don't tax yourself
and hurry our talk
call me again
when you're not beating the clock
but he took offence
unfortunately
and won't text, in reply
to my apology

hai hai babie
mis-communication
sorry!
(sentence punctuated with smiley:)

I feel poor spiritually
I tried to go to church
and even there
I didn't feel welcome
the altar wasn't
becknoing me
the scafolding
seemed to bar me out
keep me at bay
God keeping me away

I feel the unberable heaviness of being
wearing me down
wearing me out
making me shout
today i let out a silent scream
walked out of my class
and had the urge to take the faster route downstairs
faster than the elevator...
:s
somedays i wonder why I knawed throu the restraints
the child has grown
the dream has gone

i just said goodnight to him
i lay down in bed
and took a slow deep breath
my room smells of l'eau de FCUK deux
that's slipped from my skin
mingling with the cool air
I'm ready to meet my dreams
when sounds of a fight and screams
sweep down to me through the covers
I can hear the frenzied voices rise up
the squeals mix with sounds of slaps and blows
as skin meets skin
my bare feet meet the cold floor
i open out the window
sleep has flown the horrors of reality stay
I'm safe i'm up here,
I know I'm above the madness
the violence
of neighbours up in arms
i'm safe as I i look out
in my room the color of sunsets
watching through the leaves of my lucky bamboo
potted in its hand painted jug like vase
the scene that unfolds below
i feel displaced
misplaced
and the memories flood in
of pink against the grey brown evening
fists flying
of pretty pink and curls
at the side of the road
while in front reality unfurls
and so tonight I sit at my site
and hope the sound of the keys
drowns out the sound of nose bleeds
and as the night returns its silence
to my room above the madness
where more than a troubled soul solace seeks
i return to my bed to find sleep

David N. Wilson

Revalations The seventeenth configuration Of stars, In conjunction with the proper illumination Of neon signs on cafes, and bars, Birthed an epic transformation, An arcane celebration, A revelation that encroached on the darkness Claiming dominion. Souls set free, spirits unbound, And everything on sale, one night only, Sitting back on his heels and smiling, God whispered. “That is so COOL”

"like any one worthy
I am flattered by your facination with me...
like any unchartered territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
you speak of my love like
you have experienced
love like mine before
but this is not allowed
you're uninvited...."

and i stay with myself on this one
stay with my choice my heart's won
and my minds made up

so don't sit in judgement
get off your high chair
the buck stops here not there

"No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say"

and all he said was...
"perhaps the universe is testing you..."

running th gauntlet again am I?
with them
he counted
6!!!
I choked
i'm in love
the universe made me

sometimes I need a little more time
than he has to give...
how do I help him understand that
?????????????????

He listens
he really does...to all I have to say
he always plays
devil's advocate...
I let him, I let him in
I've let him stay....

(when I sent you this pic
the title read pick me)
I made that chocie
I picked you....





he says this song is written for me....Nickleback's the next contestant
I judge by what she's wearing Just how many heads I'm tearing Off of assholes coming onto her (Each night seems like it's getting worse) And I wish she'd take the night off So I don't have to fight off Every asshole coming onto her (It happens every night she works) They'll go and ask the DJ To find out just what would she say If they all tried coming on to her (Don't they know it's never going to work?) They think they'll get inside her With every drink they buy her As they all try coming on to her (This time somebody's gettin' hurt) Here comes the next contestant
Is that your hand on my girlfriend? Is that your hand? I wish you'd do it again, (I'll watch you leave here limping), I wish you'd do it again, (I'll watch you leave here limping), There goes the next contestant

The Seven Deadly Sins (or Vices) were defined in the 6th century by Pope Gregory the Great, as a set of negative values: the values that you are supposed to adopt is that you will avoid these things and actually adopt their opposites.
(www.changingminds.com)

1. Pride is an excessive belief in one's own abilities.
2. Envy is wanting what others have, be it status, abilities, or possessions.
3. Gluttony is the desire to eat or consume more than you require.
4. Lust is a powerful craving for such as sex, power and money.
5. Anger is the loss of rational self-control and the desire to harm others.
6. Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain.
7. Sloth is laziness and the avoidance of work.

Envy, gluttony, lust and greed are all about desire....or I think stem from desire....wanting...
There is also a hidden agenda... rather selfish... in at least pride, sloth, gluttony,lust & envy
oh and a sort of lack of concern for others in anger....
all these sins are emotions in excess....
but what was a really cool is that the number picked...
not three sins not four sins but SEVEN sins
seven miller's magic number
or capacity of our short term memory...
or what happens to be the real limit
to the number of things we can hold in our mind at one time.
really intriguing
what we're supposed to remember to help us maintain social harmony
was designed to fit in with our capacity of awarness...
miller's turning in his grave...

He said: men are possessive women are jealous

pos·ses·sive (p?-z?s'?v)
adj.

1. Of or relating to ownership or possession.
2. Having or manifesting a desire to control or dominate another, especially in order to limit that person's relationships with others: a possessive husband.

jeal·ous (j?l'?s)
adj.

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. 1. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others.
   2. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitter.

I think it might be worth considering....see men are action oriented, extended outward and to possess or be possessive is also more about action (see above "manifesting a desire to control")
while being jealous is more about feeling a feeling...and feelings are emoted more often by women...who are also in general more inward looking than outward seeking....
he might have a point....

He likes me to make the dinner decisions
he says its because I barely eat,
so whatever I do eat should be
something I really really want to eat...
he's like that...
we drove towards moti mahal
see, the night I was out with R
I got sick and needed to use the bathroom
I walked into Moti Mahal
and they were sooooo helpful,
first off they let me use it!!
walked me to the bathroom,
asked me if I was ok later
Having dinner there was the best reinforcement
we could give them for being hospitable
:)
he agreed
he's like that...
ahhhhhhhh
on the way I spotted a store
it had an eye catching t-shirt in the window
"pull over!!!" I said and he did
I walked in and bought him the t-shirt
i'm like that...
it said "FCUK ME I'M RICH"
I wondered about the size the sales guy offered
another version "FCUK ME I'M FAMOUS"
but he's not famous I said, just rich
I took it to him, he took off his shirt
and wore it to dinner
he's like that...
boy did he get attention :)
was quite enjoying it till his boss walked in
:P
suddenly its totally inappropriate
fun fun
what a night...
we pit ourselves against eachother
verbal fencing, with our tongues
exhausted from hand to hand combat
face to face, back to front
I have happy scars to show for my win
what have you got?

we're like that...

in an un sent sms to me he said, "....you don't know me.."
but after last night I think you don't know you either...

He says: Pictures you put on the site are too perfect...
So a candid pic of me....
taken by R at TGIF

happy now?

Steamroller action crushing allVictim is your name and you shall fallBlood will follow bloodDying time is here:Damage Incorporated
The accident at carter has brought my going "out's"
under the scanner again....this happens periodically
whenever a bunch of party hearty drunken kids
smash something, their cars, themselves and this time 7 people
(given the frequency...when will the party hearty kid be me? says my nani)
it was all words on the tv, lines splashed across the page
when suddenly it hit me...I was there!!!
I was at carter that night almost a hour and a half after the accident
I had no clue....it looked so peaceful....but then a graveyard is also peaceful
He was particularly unhappy
"next time call me...."
"but you were at the other end of town..."
"so...? i'd still come"
"but you were with friends..."
"so...? i'd still come"
"you felt i'd been nagging...i didn't want to interrupt"
"you're more imp..." he trailed off
even if we'd fought even if he wasn't talking to me
he'd still come get me
rescue me
take me home
safely.....

I thought you were special....I thought you should know....

And he said....
"I'm not the man I want to be....I'm not the man I am...."

and though the twinge of disappointment stayed....
for the moment I let him suck it away......

"If you bring forth that which is within you, Then that which is within you Will be your salvation. If you do not bring forth that Which is within you, Then that which is within you Will destroy you..."- gnostic gospels
(also hint hint)

Why are you judging people so damn hard
You're taking your point of views a bit too far....

I don't like what I see
but I look at it still
against my will
it seems my gaze drifts
automatically
feels like I'm in a dream
and like a myoclonic fall
I'm slipping
digging my nails in
I'm gripping
but its all straws
I see all flaws
and the mirror is
the hardest thing
the hardest place to be
its so like me....
takes a lot to make a surface scratch
one hard hit and I will crack
for I'm already bursting at the seams
so it seems

he said all that
he said it's how he feels
but if he claims to know none of me
then what love is there?
what can there be?
if you don't know?
how will you love me anymore?

Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God.
TONI MORRISON, Paradise

Everything I know is wrong Everything I do, it just comes undone And everything is torn apart Oh and thats the hardest part, Oh and its the that's the hardest part Yeah that's the hardest part,oh that's the hardest part

"Jons" comment on "SoOverU's" site
had to post his theory of the "Opposite Day"

"You've now passed the point of the relationship that I like to call "Opposite Day".
During the "Opposite Day" portion of the dying relationship, they say they love you when really they're planning their escape.
They're secretly making sure they get the photographs they want, under the guise of "organizing them".
They say, "I can't live without you" while creating excel spreadsheets to see if it's fiscally possible.
You are now in the "dropped or added qualifier" portion of the relationship.
"I'm not sleeping around" means "I only slept with a few people."
"I was going to tell you about that" means "I was going to tell you about that if you ever found out."
You better off, lady. Who wants to play a lifetime of 20 questions with a shady motherfucker?"

I'm on the outside.....looking in.....I can see through you.....see your true colours....
But you should know these Colors that you're shining are Surely not the best Colors that you've shined
He talked of his angst and his dark side and when he was through
its funny why I felt slitting my wrists
was the most appropriate thing to do

but none of it was her doing you see
and when all of what he said had run
through her head
she had one moment of clarity
her wrists didn't need to be split
they were already raw n red
from knocking on walls he built
the outsider put down her hands
and walked away with her
unexpressed pain for another day

I know you feel alone, And no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from The ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you
Don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined
Are surely not your style

He asked me: " Do you think that sadness is more universally understood than happiness?"

I said: I think people's idea of happiness is so twisted these days
people don't know what they want, or how happiness is defined for them...
so they strive endless for the stuff we're programmed to want
things we think will make us happy....
like flowers and candy in love and of course marriage and money
I think I'll settle for contenment...
that's why sadness is more universal, or more accurately discontent
everyone knows that feeling
the feeling of longing to have but not getting...

Life can be so horribly hard

locked out of my house
his knocks drowned by the sound of the shower
He was a welcome sight to tired eyes
and time spent alone, t(w)ogether
was good for weary souls
so I didn't mind the calls interrupting
half asleep in the crook of his arm
our hands merged into one, comfortably numb
I stayed still for once content
as he tried to get servers to do his bidding

The closet pessimist
keeps anticipating the bump in the road...
He said : "There have been bumps in the road,
and there will be....you just have to decide whether
you want to go over them together....or alone"

Bad Day, Mad Day....
A hard Day....
(wish it was only when required)

I want a Day...
That doesn't mind bumps in the road
(or on my tummy)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“sticks and stones may break your bones but careless words break hearts”
When my name turns sour in his mouth,
when he comes riding toward me
foaming and churning,
I am swept out, swept clean.
He is multiplied through rage.
He is too many.

Our communication punctuated by clever one-liners and words of musicians
Sometimes we're making so much noise we don't know when to listen
and all the things he said, are still running through my head keep following me to bed
sleep still slips away silently
then he called me.....
oh funny!
He wanted to know.....
I read it again
it's different from before
how can it be?
(the post bellow)
something other than what I'd intended it to be?
its about you, and about you
what you didn't see...
the hidden bit about me...

Happy Halloween!!!

The scariest (becoz its true) Post ever

On The Site with the permanent halloween theme

What My Mother Taught Me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished
cleaning!"

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you
listen then?"

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't
exaggerate!!!"

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

To me your past is dead
our present fraught with endless possibility
hold the open door for me?
Sure the future’s bright
The future’s a giagantic F@#$%^
flash of an atomic kind
Eternal light
I promise
you’ll sleep sweet Some night
And when you wake you’ll find
A place where there is no more darkness
Nor hellish dreams or demons of the mind
Someday we’ll meet there in that place
Welcome gladly ties that bind
No more need to seek solace,
In the place with comfort of every kind

Every night I burn

Every night I call your name

Every night I burn

Every night I fall again

Burn - The Cure

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Song of the moment: Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control
I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
No mistaking the faking, I care
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
On a note full of hope not despair
All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

"Do they still call it infatuation? That magic ax that chops away the world in one blow, leaving only the couple standing there trembling? Whatever they call it, it leaps over anything, takes the biggest chair, the largest slice, rules the ground wherever it walks, from a mansion to a swamp, and its selfishness is its beauty.... People with no imagination feed it with sex -- the clown of love. They don't know the real kinds, the better kinds, where losses are cut and everybody benefits. It takes a certain intelligence to love like that -- softly, without props."TONI MORRISON, Love

Saw flamingos
upclose and personal
they're lovely strange birds
who stand on one leg
(like papa does sometimes)
took pictures of rock lobsters
at
had a creepy old arab
come up to me in a crowded shopping mall
and in a raspy whisper said
"mai tumse shaadi karna hai"
In your dreams buddy i said
in my head
out loud: "get away from me'

C-o-n-g-r-a-t-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-s
Mr. (asst.) Vice President...
(please add marilyn monroe-voice)
C-o-n-g-r-a-t-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-s
To you..........
My star babie!!!

Chris went to A Party (check out new party look)
And he said to me:
When's this fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied
Every time I try to talk to youI get tongue-tied
(tongue-tied; and HOW!)
everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right
So I'll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in
and I said: awwwwwwwwww!!!

The Girls agree:...
1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
3. Men are like Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars.. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores.. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds.. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
11. Men are like Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Song Of The Moment....
"It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real Well I don't want to know
Don't speak I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts"

I don't want a conversation, i just want to sit and stare at you
And I don't want to talk about it.

THE NEW PHONE
It's called frosted pink!!!!

daddy says: "boy, you're listening to George"
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive birdT
hat was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command
The first time I ever lay with you
And felt you heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the world
And would last till the and of time, my love
It would last till the end of time
The first time ever I saw your faceYour face, your face

Got a manicure
a very expensive manicure
D called while I was at the salon, and I said babie i can't talk now
I'm getting my nails done
when he called me later he asked the question
(for those of you who just tuned in, the question = how much)
(includes tone bordering on disapproving:)
so when i did tell him how much
"good grief!! did you have them dipped in GOLD!!"
"no honey"'
(sheepish voice)
"then what's the deal? did you get an oil well free with it?"
"no honey"
(more of the sheepish voice)
s-i-g-h
but they're pretty
(see above ehxibit a, n , b)
went out with my kuw girls n funny dropped by,
poor thing had to endure three women in the mood to shop
and I mean in da mood!!
but he bared it all
with a farway my physical being is here
but my soul is off doing manly things sort-a-way
(at least this time you didn't have to hold my hand-bag)
but slowly we watched him do a bruce banner, incredible-sulk thing
(clever play on words borrowed from D)
and out of deep felt sympathy of the retail-ly challenged one
we called it quits and went to dinner
pizzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaa
hmmmm
and then funny sent off all the forks and knives
which according to him were not clean
who cares its pizza! no pretentious using of a knife n fork!!
(said me)
but no!
he had to send them back!!
it's the principle of things
(s-i-g-h)
then when the drinks came,
the already sulky waitress brought me 7up
instead of diet pepsi
and funny sent that back as well
(I know she spat in it!!!)
s-i-g-h
F-b did you tip her?

spooky spooky one
at dunkin doughnuts
over coffee, Bavarian supremes
and sugared strawberry filled delights
he professed his undying love
(of doughnuts of course)
the widely talked about skill
was demonstrated live
YES!
people!!!! he can indeed stuff an ENTIRE doughnut into his mouth!!!!
(I think he unhinges his jaw)
after accusing me of "playing" him
(no !!! That conversation with my mother while I dressed
now that was playing!!!)
and ticking off the staff for slamming doors
we headed out
(note to self: next time no coffee they're gonna spit in it)
but the spookiness came later...
when he showed me
an entire folder of my texts
it was simple called
"C"
(some of you might wonder what's so spooky
to find out I suggest you ask D)

for the record F-b
check out the post for 7/27/2005
(in the archives)
and you will see more reasons for you being spooky

everyone came over yesterday
: )
jamal, showed up outside my door
we drove off to pick ally
then later....
funny came home with a box of lindt champagne truffles
(actually two boxes)
they were wrapped in gorgeous cream n gold
funny sat down on the rust colored couch
(as instructed)
myths were shattered about the allegedly pink bedroom
(Its not pink I tell you!!)
chatted with my father like a pro
with my mother as if he'd known her from way before
and even complained to my parents about my "threats"
my "dangerous looks"
and the fingernails digging into his arm...
silly funny one
who's turned quite serious on me,
forcing me to revert to his "real"name
and then ham came by....
the sweetest most genuine malice free man on the planet

he's single ladies

(and a keeper:)

All this happened
while I was sleeping...
My mother, hawk like
prevented people
who came to visit from getting past the door
(a couple of friends dropped by..)
she's sleeping she said
rather apologetically
yes said dad barring the way
(or so says mum,
I wouldn't know...I was afterall sleeping!)
then horror of horror
mum realized there wasn't any cooking gas
the spare cylinder was empty too
and dad's dinner wasn't ready
ok so off to get gas it was
while attempting to roll the cylinder out of the house
the neighbor's boy spotting our open door slipped it
(remember them???)
"stop him"said mum
dad missed and he was in our living room
(GAWD!!)
spied my bags in the hallway
and tried to get to my room
but was swiftly distracted by a tactical maneuver by mum
who gave him a girgyan bag
(like a Halloween candy bag filled with goodies)
sufficiently satiated he tried to help roll out the cylinders
apprehensive to leave their sleeping child
(:) me)
parents debated how to handle the lack of gas
finally hunger won out
and they got the gas and came back
after struggling to roll the filled cylinders back into the house
all the while worrying about whether their sleeping child
would wake to find no one home...
LOL
so gas was bought
hamed got candy
and funny flew back
while I was sleeping....

So much for Jet lag...this is what I call Jet Brag!!!

It was Marian Keyes who said travelling
is awful arriving is lovely!
Ladies n gentlemen
I have ARRIVED!!!
after much apprehension over
change of airline
(flew bud-get al jazeera as opposed to kuw-airways)
(with zero security rules)
(who'd wanna bomb al jazeera??)
I got to the airport
to find the universe conspiring to ease my troubles
firstly while the check-in line for kuw-airways
meandered about like a ration line
there was no line at the jazeera counter
none at all !!!
I just walked up and they handed me a boarding card
weight of suitcase magically reducing to 20.3
GLEE!
braced myself for snake like immigration line
but there was NONE!
NO ONE!
slipped under barricades
and pandu hawaldar type says
"chee chee madam such indiscipline"
HAW!!
marches me off to remote counter 19
at one end of the imigration spectrum
(see said closet pessimist cloud closing in on silver lining)
but one glance up at the yellow sign
and yipeee!!!!
gate 10 was just adjacent to counter 19!!!
(HA! take tht closet pessimist)
(not so fast, said she)
as the immigration officer cleared his throat
shaking me out my reverie
the conversation that followed
can only be described as flirting
(hin not me!)

ïs this you in the picture?"
he asked, his voice slightly stern
yes I said hesitantly
" well you know you're supposed to look
older than your picture not younger"he said
peering down at me
i giggled and said should I loose the hair band?
no no he said taking my flippancy seriously
but this picture....he continued
ïs it such a bad picture?"i cut in
"no its not a bad picture"he said
"its just that you're so muc prettier in person"
more giggles escaped my silly lips
"thank you"I said polietly and headed for the gate...
braced myself again for security check
I was the only one there!!!
at gate 10 the policeman said
relax madam jazeera staff haven't turned up yet
we are going for coffee, aap bhi aajao
(is the copper asking me to coffee??
I think he is!!!)
went thru security 15 mins later
sans anyone even looking at the screen
I had perfume and lotion in my bag
hehehehehehehehehehe
slowly people filled the waiting area
about 35 of us
the conversation revolved around
how the airfare was sooooooooooooo cheap
and how they'd serve us nothing.
nothing said the lady beside me emphatically
nothing at all
time for boarding
and still no sign of jazeera staff
when suddenly the chick who was at the check in counter
came smiling by...and opened the gate
she doubled up as announcer and counterfoil collector
beaming all the while
a smooth take off and an
uneventfull flight later...
(except for gasps of shock at the ridiculously priced food
i ate a muffin and drank my mocha latte
out of a styrfoam cup!
rather shamefully....
almost bought the rest of the people chai out of sheer guilt
when the good natured flight attendant
went round handing out hot water and tea bags
to those who couldn't pay for it...
"crew tea"she said to me as she passed by...
i felt slightly better
and swallowed my dry chocolate muffin
eating every crumb )
after a flawless laning the door opened without the usual pause
and I found myself facing a flight of steps!!
no aero bridge
there was a light breeze blowing accross the tarmac,
I inhaled the fresh kuwaiti air
(i'd been breathing thru a tissue all flight long
to avoid flu germs from the sneezee guy
who inhabited the seat in front of me)
and got into the bus that deposited us outside a door that wouldn't open
sesame I said jokingly (I was the first one at the door)
but no one got it
a tall man waved his hand beneath the sensor
as if! I thought and gave him a dirty look
after a bit the door mysteriously swung open
and I landed smack bang in the middle of the line for immigration!!!
this is just too cool
I wnet thru in like under a min
and headed for the luggage carousel
and spotted my bag!!
MY BAG just coming round the bend
I tugge dit off
wondering what I'd done to deserve such smooth sailing
headed for the phones
called up dad
who picked me up
and here I am
telling you about it all
yes girls n boys
I have indeed arrived!

off!!
YA RIGHT
straight down to the principal's office i went
like the kid who wasn't saved by the bell!!!
and stayed there till 6:30!!!
and here I am bawling!! on a saturday afternoon!
AT WORK
THIS SUCKS!!
I HATE EVERYTHING!!!
life is not all ha ha hee hee

:)
sooooooooooo
its the last day at work
and I am dying to get out of here
i'm like that kid waiting to be saved by the bell
except the only bells going off
will be in my li'll head
my kids have done ok on their exams
(so everyone keeps saying)
and my star boyfriend
has bought me books
that are going to make life slightly easier
have to slot out time for packing n buying of stuff
hug hug
off i go....

"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"
sings rob thomas to the back of my brain
while the top of it throbs like a rapid heart

what is this feeling?
what's come over me
can't put a finger on it...

and gwen said
"Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might growOh, ah, oh"

So my new thing is dabbling in water colors
it all began with a little stress releasing activity
and then he looked at it and asked
will you make me something for my soft board?
ahhhhhhhhh
how can I refuse....
I did
but the first attempt was sooooooo
childlike- he said can I say my niece made it?
I looked at him with that look I have
its especially reserved for such careless comments
I had a good mind to snatch it right back
did I?
but I let him take it
didn't sign it (hehehe..
it wasn't me!!)
the next attempt was heartfelt
something I'd seen
in a recurring dream...
on looking at it out side his car
said, looks like the tree
I saw in south Africa
the next was a spray of flowers
crimson tinged and pretty
both symbolic
of the dichotomy
that is..Me...

I am the only being whose doom...
I am the only being whose doom
No tongue would ask no eye would mourn
I never caused a thought of gloom
A smile of joy since I was born

In secret pleasure--secret tears
This changeful life has slipped away
As friendless after 18(twenty four) years
As lone as on my natal day


There have been times I cannot hide
There have been times when this was drear
When my sad soul forgot its pride
And longed for one to love me here


But those were in the early glow
Of feelings since subdued by care
And they have died so long ago
I hardly now believe they were


First melted off the hope of youth
Then Fancy's rainbow fast withdrew
And then experience told me truth
In mortal bosoms never grew


'Twas grief enough to think mankind
All hollow servile insincere
But worse to trust to my own mind
And find the same corruption there
----bronte

sometimes, its never quite enough....
no matter what you try....it seems just as tough
It used to be easy, but its harder each day
to sweep it under the carpet,to justify the way
i'm living my life,
and today i'm not happy
being me

she walked me there
I needed no coaxing
I had time to spare

at the gate she hesitated
will you be uncomfortable
are you sure you can take it

of course I reassured her
I'd dealt with this
during my internship year

no I was not prepared
nothing prepares you
for what you'll see there

I walked with her keeping pace
I steeled my stomach
put on my congenial face

in my embellished tunic my chic white pants
I hid the club stamp on
my disgrace filled hands

my insides were churning
I thought I'd throw up
my head couldn't stop turning

why had she done this why was I here?
I questioned her motives
she wanted a donor?

but she asked nothing of me she just wanted to show
se wanted me to see
she wanted nothing more


I looked on with sadness only fate to blame
I choked back my tears
they'd left me with shame

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
its the weekend
but i'm going under
swamped with work
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
(whine time)

Tres tired....
waiting to exit office asap....
wheeeeeeeeeeee

have spent day with my new weapon of choice
a red pen
ahhhhh such power it wields
perched on one corner of a chairless desk
I scan the room
hyper vigilant for any possible copying behaviour
a glance here a sigh there
a tap tap of an impatient pen
another tap in response
a low whistle expelled
shhhhh
one warming
shhhh
that's two
now shut it or its minus ten for all of you!

sigh!
he's supposed to make me feel better!!!
we sat accross from him,
chins poised on eager fingers clapsed tight
ears earnest and tuned in
for answers for he knows our deepest thoughts
our scariest fears, he knows all
of what we've told him, and most of what we left out
he filled in the blanks...

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

we're looking for answers
we're all so scared
with too many unknowns
we're all so scared
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know

My thoughts cloud over
, since I read that text
I drift in and out of day dreams
(flashes it seems)
Of quiet afternoons lying in bed…
I sweetly take to my task
Practice my new found craft
Slow n up-ing the speed
fulfillment of needs
To take and give and give in taking
Marking my walls with the intensity felt
Above that expression I knelt
Knees sinking hunger quenching
What is given I’m Returning
No count taken new senses awaken
crumbling falling
Tumbling crashing
Thunder and lightning flashing…
Heart to hearts beat
Breath slows
Sweet comes sleep.

JUMP TO the other night
when he said "your hotness"
(when he said its unfair
to unleash me on adolescent boys)
JUMP TO the other night when He said
"My God I never knew you could look like that"
highly uncomfortable with new "Runway Girl"
impression being created....
He's always saying how "terribly obsessed"I am,
with my clothes et al..
yet JUMP TO other night when I "dressed down"
(deliberately...was I testing me?)
He was the one who couldn't stop saying "But nothing matches"!!!
(please add distressed tone)
Ha Ha !(please add nelson tone)
said me controlling various flashes

flash give me restraint
flash give me self-control
flash give me will power

once again questioning an image
A zara shrug of an image
I've slipped into insidiously
with Moschino boots
in Kangaroo leather up to my knee
a wrap of an image thrown over me
a me and not me
dichotomy

the look of shock when I walked in
him on the phone explaining
his friends jaw dropped
(or so his friends gf claimed)
he called it a breath of fresh air in smoky to to's
a ray of sunshine
time stopped everybody just froze
you looked misplaced in there he says to me
poor mis(s)fit, mis(s)matched, mis(s)understood me
(flash give me self pity)

my
rock of calm
in this restless sea of me
I cling to you
to your words, in my ears
to your picture, in my head
you're not here
yet
you're all over me
my comfort
my blanket of security

beautifully twisted he said
a high wire act said he
if that's you,
then the safety net bellow is me....

he sent me a pic of me @ vie....
(the night of the saree)

Tuesday is The new "Monday"
I'm convinced!!!!
really!!
Tuesday is The new "monday"

(Monday's over n done with, even has a song,
"tell me why I don't like mondays"
now its tuesday's turn)
Tuesday is worse than Monday

(don't shake your head yet!)
I mean, Monday, is like so totally over-rated these days

we're sleep walking thru Monday anyway
but Tuesday...
ahhhhh well tuesday's when we shake off the weekend
and find ourselves smack bang in the middle of the work week
(quelle horreur!!!!)
apres que
we're left longing....
Tuesday is too close to the week-end gone by
and too far away from the next week-end
(sigh!)
And that's why
Tuesday is the New Monday!!

oh no I don't like this plan
strung together stapled loosely
falling apart in my hand
a to do list tacked upon God's desk
gust of wind blew away
well intentioned, bad advice
no back up fail safe fool proof device
No one to blame I didn't blow it
Sorry said God I didn't know it

the eternal seeker
(in that way we're two of a kind)
seeking, sampling, searching
(with scathing self criticism)
asking the unanswerable,
the existential, the emotional

your weapon, your wit, a warrior with words
worldly wise, (all emotions disguised)
can you come to terms with your choices?
(your desires, your losses)
before the universe forces your hand
(what of pre-emptive strife, and forced stands)
on matters closed to discussion
I find myself asking again
where do I fit in?
in the true spirit of honest expression
one thing is constant, a small confession
(not discounting your best laid plans)
who's filling the spaces in your hand?

All you ever gave me (was tomorrow).

Why can't we forget?
We know better
But we still
Fall in love
No future
For us now
Is the only thing
That is truly real
And men and women
Like us
Should be what they seem
But that
Isn't always the way
Things happen
Sometimes regret
Is all that you have
And all I have to say
Is that
All you ever gave me
Was tomorrow

ERIK MAX FRANCIS

Snapped!

picture taken by one of my kids on their cellphone

while exiting school....

You Know I can't believe you do believe in serendipity

its really the power of the universe

working for you and me

and though you might act that way

say the things you never meant to say

Now I know you do agree

there's a greater purpose a destiny...

its like when he says "don't be so needy"

what he's saying is, "babie don't be needing me"

so I've been a bad blogger
and if : blogito ergo sum
then i wasn't in existence
lol
but I was
in a saree state
:)
cracking up in the picture
x-hosted
tres tired
blogger n out....

Sometimes all you need is a moment...just one split second
where the universe lifts the veils you wear,
the colored glassses and you catch a glimpse
of the reality you were too blind to see...
and in that moment, everything changes....
its like they say, don't verbalize it,
don't acknowledge its existence, you might jinx it
with your own evil eye
hush now, lest "nazaar lag jaye"
so we go from day to day afraid to acknowledge what we see
lest we're jinxing our destiny
using words like "its ok" "I'm fine" "c'est comme ci"
And if i were to alter this...
call it like it really is....
(I'm far too entrenched in my own fear to step out of the box)
"I bet you're wondering when the next
pay back shoe will eventually drop...
i bet you're wondering when my conditional
Police, will force you to cough up..."

And So am I....



Talkin to herself, theres no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears its gone...

Who said English is easy? fill in these blanks with YES or NO.....
1._______________ I don't have a brain.
2._______________ I don't have any sense.
3. _______________ I am stupid.

It was one of those perfect days, yesterday
Just purr fect
and last night couldn't have been better
(ok if we had c-shaped sofa maybe)
(or the piano man)
lol
posh italian dinner
candle light,him n me
clever conversation
and wine that went to my head
(or was it something he said)
memories of the night that had gone before...
the night when I decided, I wanted more...
(was it really two years ago/)
I can't believe how time has passed in a fly by
and I was living every moment
there I go again
being nostalgic about something
tha's not part of my past yet...

Its been 731 days since I know him
felt his gaze on me a 100 times and
still he makes my heart race, flush hits my face
and I flounder about like a school girl with a crush
I love him so much
I've stared up into his eys a 100 times and still
each time I look at his face, meet his gaze
I can't believe how gorgeous he is,
how lucky am I, that This guy
standing outside gate 2
wearing what I picked for him
loves me that much too...
And though sometimes our path get's rough
I know we'll make it through my love
with you looking at me that way
is easy to face any day

i know its not about how many years you've lived
but what you've done with those years
(it can't be that bad...if i don't make you sad...)
Happy Birthday darling....

who can put a finger on the feeling of disquiet
and say, indeed I feel this?
I am wholly inarticulate this morning,
groggy from a night of disturbed sleep
i stood beneath the gush of my shower
and wondered...is it all worth it?
I then disconnected my phones, myself
and trugged off to where i'm required to inspire
and shape a bunch of minds, most of who's sole preoccupation
is the urgent desire to get "laid"
like eggs...i wonder if eggs have an urgency?
or is it a transfered epithet from the hen's urgncy?
oh how it all works itself out...
is it working out for you?
"working out"
women n men "working out" so that
at least they can push their physical beings into
"working out" their relationships...
after that's done the blame is all on the "mind"
"mind", where is it?
physically located?
the brain?
so what's the content then? grey matter? thought chatter?
deep inside me a neuron, misfires.....

Dearest,
I cannot tell you how much i relate to what you feel,
having struggled with quite the same thing,
I sought answers everywhere,
(in seeking you shall find) and then realised something...
its almost disheartening....
Oh how I long to be the answer
the solution, the key that solves the mystery of your existential angst,
the missing piece...But I am not, and never will be
for the answer the key my troubled one,
lies within yourself, far away from my grasp
can only be reached for you....
you might seek it in religion, in the doing your duty daily....
but all the while all you need to do, is seek in within yourself.
You've got to love yourself, to believe that within you,
is the power to do
all that you've been longing to...

No one can fully explain the existence of another in their life or the purpose...
i'm done asking why
on the 6th of july I over stepped a boundary
(self imposed of course, but what else is a girl to do? when masks aren't unglued?)
what do you do when fate tempts you?
shows you another way?
endless possibilities.....
mea culpa
I so badly want to be friends.....till the end.....
(programed to seek out only happy endings)
all my life I've struggled with voids
filled them with food, and boys and now these days clothes or so it seems
Ï don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours"
there used to be times when all of may answers could be found
in the sliver flash of a razor against my wrist, then spots of pretty colour
on the stark white of the toilet bowl
but I am wholly intolerant of pain
so that didn't work out toö well either....
I've run away so many times
I cannot tell if i'm moving or standing still
sometimes when i read this blog I wish I were talking about other things....
I re-read my archives, in an attempt to retrace
so much angst, it seemed so out of place
every few month a test another gauntlet to be run
I should welcome it, from all that running practice
so much for expression
mea culpa (though i'd rather say, cést pas ma faute)
my wounded one,
its always my fault
as you summed it up
Ï"Trivialized it
no one planned it...
but there's still you...
you've already expected me to not understand,
so easily I feel the blame on me...
mea culpa
over and out

F uffy's!!! a bundle of them on the pavement...

With all the Talk of marriage I'm reminded...

"....She's not quite tall enough
and not quite full enough(children will take care of that)
Her complexion it was decided would compensate,
being just about the right shade of rightness to do justice to...."
From Marriages Are Made, Eunice deSouza

But mostly I'd like to say...
"IN DREAMS, I HACK YOU"

Remember the post about."Women are like apples on trees"?....it also said that, "Men are like a fine wine.They begin as grapes, and it's up to women (in their lives) to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with".

Well last night I was reminded of it........
I think I've spent enough time stomping
To have converted grapes into a fine merlot
I can bring to the table when I'm having dinner with friends.
xoxoxoxoxox

"I've known rivers:
Ancient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers"
- hughes stays on my mind...

FINE THEN FUNNY BE LIKE THAT
FINE

FINE

FINE

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought I summon up remembrance of things past, I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste: Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, For precious friends hid in death's dateless night, And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight: Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, Which I new pay as if not paid before. But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, All losses are restored and sorrows end
(Miranda, in the tempest...)

I can read the signs between usI feel it inside when you come nearerThere's a stillness in the air like no one else is thereAnd every moment stays in the momentTell me what we got, tell me it's a lot tell me it's the real thingTell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thingIt's a good thingTell me not to lie, tell me not to waitTell me that you want the same things as meTell me that it's fate driving me insaneTell me it's the real thingThat keeps me hangin on.....

Well, I'm 24, and I dont quite fit into my jeans anymore because the guy sitting by his work enscombed desk in his office prefering his Servers, to my finely exhibited self, has by some trick of the mind, deluded me into falling crazily head over feet in love with him.
Its been two years now, I've only just revitalised my inclination to put question to doubt, and if you ask me, which well... you're not the answer but then this isn't a Q&A session -I've never been happier. quite seriously.
So excuse me if I'm slightly sceptical, of whatever you may think about us, or whatever you may say, you know I didn't realise my jeans had to be loose for everything else to fit.

K n C @ My fave breakfast place....

I heard him speak about his wife
with so much love and pride
and i knew...
if he'd ever speak like that about me
he'd surely be the one i'd choose to marry

I would talk and he would talk, we'd discuss disclose and discover,
disagree, respectfullyand be indulgent with each other
We would be experimental,
with our food, ourselves and in bed
we'd make plans, big plans, take trips
we'd pay heed to what's left unsaid
And we'd kid not ourselves nor each other
and we'll trust coz we love one another
and raise our children so that they can be,
less inhibited, less afraid and more free
that's what I'd like it to be...
if i marry...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG!!!
Today the Blog turns FOUR!!!

On 16th august 2002,
I started to write a personal journal of sorts
to document the life n times of Me!
and four years later this is my 810th post
:)
I love this investment/ indulgence in myself
its a space that's gone beyond just ventilation
and has taken on a life of its own
a repository of my thoughts in one place
years from now when i'm bored or half dead
i'll hope this blog gets read
by my next of kin...
in memoriam may they say
"Though life’s road grew uphill and weary
And there was no light along her way
She never let her soul grow dreary
She lived to write another day..."

I want my hair like this.....

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men :Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get anypoints for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the gameis played.
Here is a guide to the point system :
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)......You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) ....In the rain (+8).....But returnwith Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0).....
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5).....
You pummel it with iron rod (+10).....It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0).....
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy(-2)....Named Rita (-4)Rita is a dancer (-6)...........Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)......You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)......Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)........
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face ispainted with the colours of your favourite team (-10)...

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)......You take her to a movie she likes (+4).....
You take her to a movie you hate (+6).......
You take her to a movie you like (-2).....It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)....You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)....
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)....
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyhawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10).....You reply, "Where?" (-35)......Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying whatlooks like a concerned expression (0).......You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)......
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)........She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have ???

LOL