Its DENIAL that maintains the bliss of ignorance
Where what I don't see can't hurt me
for if I were to know, then how could I continue to ignore?

He said: "why so glum"
Me: "just"
He: "that's not a reason"
Me: "reasons are most often excuses"
He: "then what's your excuse?"
Me: "the unberable heaviness of being"

Loneliness is an inextricable part of human existence
Its like a song you can't stop humming
that corner under your sofa the vacuum doesn't quite reach
or the person you're in love with but can never have
we're born alone, we'll die alone
no more restlessly seeking brief moments of joy
happiness in the arms of a boy?
No one and No thing can fill the void
it can only be filled by me

addendum...

A fetal question mark on the floor
she throws her hands up in the air
Lying amidst the contents of her closet
She sobs out “I have nothing to wear”
He watches always from a distance
He watches from the door
The heaps of clothes around her
A veritable brand list of any high end store
Her beseeching looks, his vacant stare
Its not about the clothes,they both know
she wonders, who really cares?
In his defense, he makes an attempt
Is His call always too distant?
she never hears it ring
and Words always come a little, too late
She fears she may never be sedate
In his minds eye he sees the heart-ache
Like creatures, he can relate
To restlessness and chaos
And things that make no sense
to the eternally discontent

She sits on a mountain of riches wailing about her rags
Daughter of the king of quiet countenance and the queen of perfectionists
Heiress to a chalice, always half full (she doesn’t see it any other way)
Princess of discontent, restless, closet pessimist,
Ever seeking the cloud on the silver lining
Awaiting the impermanence of every happy thing

Take this burden off my shoulders
lay your weight on me instead
shun away the fears that bind me
hear the words I've left un-said
make it up to me in bed....

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds;
our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
Goethe

erm then where are my clients???

I stepped outside
"gutter" said my driver,I stepped away just in time...Looked up at the building, it was falling to pieces, clothes hung from every floor and tiny shops crammed its base I couldn't see an entrance, a curious child pointed to what appeared to me as a gap between shops, pipes poured out from it, "here!!" I said incredulously to no one in particular as I walked in, it was like a corridor,if I were any broader the walls would've rubbed against my bare arms, the darkness hit me first, then the smell, the stench of squalor, almost missed the stairs, they were behind another gap, smaller than the one which was the "entrance", I climbed up gingerly, every step seemed treacherous, and all the while that smell...Reached the landing and they came out to greet me, I forgot the old dirty smelly builing as I was whisked into a tiny warm room, warmed by the welcoming people cheerful and smiling as they greeted me, made room for me and managed to serve me warm cake and cool sprite all at the same time...It was only when I was leaving and had to navigate those stairs was I thankful that they lived on the first floor...on the long drive back home, I made the driver turn off the music, while I thought about how they lived and yet the out pouring of warmth and their happy smiles left me wondering, questioning...EVERYTHING

Feel like wise old woman
or like figure of all knowning
(much like my hon)
was interviewed by two third year students
on behaviour modification and its application in therapy
fancied myself all famous
and well known, so out of curiosity,
I asked her what made her pick me
out of all the practitioners at the clinic
and she said, "your name sounded interesting"
sigh
all the qualifiations aside, its my name that's interesting

I don't know why I did it but I did it, I know my heart wasn't really in it...
and now that its done, the regrets begun....

From the depths of my dreams the silence screams, so much stays unsaid when basic trust is dead, and I need to wake up now, find some way to tell you, but how? When I can’t sleep and all the dreams turn to nightmares, and the thought's of how no one cares, emptiness stares, me in the face,can I face this? it runs me back to places, where darkness breathes and deception bleeds into my faith...

"...light I had thought it would be
light and sweet
not like my soul heavy and bleak..."
-me

"we all had illusions in our heads....we all had our minds made up for us"
- alanis

I wandered through the grave yard
tracing my roots
finally found the gravestone I was looking for
broken once white marble,
now moss covered and weather beaten
yet speaking volumes to me
stories of my past, my heridity
sigh


Take this burden from my shoulders
lay your weight on me instead?

I know I know
I've been a bad blogger
so spank me
:P
well by popular demand
from my one and only
(how could I say no??)

here goes.....

so I've moved....a little to the west
out of the match box, into another
still dodging humming
hoping the universe will conspire
to get us some "planned down time"
so we can generate "archival data"
of quite a different kind
(still stuck on those):P
stuck on ice tea,
if I could only get an opener
or a neighbour
(to borrow one from)

just a thought
"there is pleasure in prying out secrets,
pleasure in withholding secrets"
teasing titilating tension
when you know that I know what you know
then again...what she doesn't know
can only hurt her in your head