"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"
sings rob thomas to the back of my brain
while the top of it throbs like a rapid heart

what is this feeling?
what's come over me
can't put a finger on it...

and gwen said
"Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might growOh, ah, oh"

So my new thing is dabbling in water colors
it all began with a little stress releasing activity
and then he looked at it and asked
will you make me something for my soft board?
ahhhhhhhhh
how can I refuse....
I did
but the first attempt was sooooooo
childlike- he said can I say my niece made it?
I looked at him with that look I have
its especially reserved for such careless comments
I had a good mind to snatch it right back
did I?
but I let him take it
didn't sign it (hehehe..
it wasn't me!!)
the next attempt was heartfelt
something I'd seen
in a recurring dream...
on looking at it out side his car
said, looks like the tree
I saw in south Africa
the next was a spray of flowers
crimson tinged and pretty
both symbolic
of the dichotomy
that is..Me...

I am the only being whose doom...
I am the only being whose doom
No tongue would ask no eye would mourn
I never caused a thought of gloom
A smile of joy since I was born

In secret pleasure--secret tears
This changeful life has slipped away
As friendless after 18(twenty four) years
As lone as on my natal day


There have been times I cannot hide
There have been times when this was drear
When my sad soul forgot its pride
And longed for one to love me here


But those were in the early glow
Of feelings since subdued by care
And they have died so long ago
I hardly now believe they were


First melted off the hope of youth
Then Fancy's rainbow fast withdrew
And then experience told me truth
In mortal bosoms never grew


'Twas grief enough to think mankind
All hollow servile insincere
But worse to trust to my own mind
And find the same corruption there
----bronte

sometimes, its never quite enough....
no matter what you try....it seems just as tough
It used to be easy, but its harder each day
to sweep it under the carpet,to justify the way
i'm living my life,
and today i'm not happy
being me

she walked me there
I needed no coaxing
I had time to spare

at the gate she hesitated
will you be uncomfortable
are you sure you can take it

of course I reassured her
I'd dealt with this
during my internship year

no I was not prepared
nothing prepares you
for what you'll see there

I walked with her keeping pace
I steeled my stomach
put on my congenial face

in my embellished tunic my chic white pants
I hid the club stamp on
my disgrace filled hands

my insides were churning
I thought I'd throw up
my head couldn't stop turning

why had she done this why was I here?
I questioned her motives
she wanted a donor?

but she asked nothing of me she just wanted to show
se wanted me to see
she wanted nothing more


I looked on with sadness only fate to blame
I choked back my tears
they'd left me with shame

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
its the weekend
but i'm going under
swamped with work
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
(whine time)

Tres tired....
waiting to exit office asap....
wheeeeeeeeeeee

have spent day with my new weapon of choice
a red pen
ahhhhh such power it wields
perched on one corner of a chairless desk
I scan the room
hyper vigilant for any possible copying behaviour
a glance here a sigh there
a tap tap of an impatient pen
another tap in response
a low whistle expelled
shhhhh
one warming
shhhh
that's two
now shut it or its minus ten for all of you!

sigh!
he's supposed to make me feel better!!!
we sat accross from him,
chins poised on eager fingers clapsed tight
ears earnest and tuned in
for answers for he knows our deepest thoughts
our scariest fears, he knows all
of what we've told him, and most of what we left out
he filled in the blanks...

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

we're looking for answers
we're all so scared
with too many unknowns
we're all so scared
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know

My thoughts cloud over
, since I read that text
I drift in and out of day dreams
(flashes it seems)
Of quiet afternoons lying in bed…
I sweetly take to my task
Practice my new found craft
Slow n up-ing the speed
fulfillment of needs
To take and give and give in taking
Marking my walls with the intensity felt
Above that expression I knelt
Knees sinking hunger quenching
What is given I’m Returning
No count taken new senses awaken
crumbling falling
Tumbling crashing
Thunder and lightning flashing…
Heart to hearts beat
Breath slows
Sweet comes sleep.

JUMP TO the other night
when he said "your hotness"
(when he said its unfair
to unleash me on adolescent boys)
JUMP TO the other night when He said
"My God I never knew you could look like that"
highly uncomfortable with new "Runway Girl"
impression being created....
He's always saying how "terribly obsessed"I am,
with my clothes et al..
yet JUMP TO other night when I "dressed down"
(deliberately...was I testing me?)
He was the one who couldn't stop saying "But nothing matches"!!!
(please add distressed tone)
Ha Ha !(please add nelson tone)
said me controlling various flashes

flash give me restraint
flash give me self-control
flash give me will power

once again questioning an image
A zara shrug of an image
I've slipped into insidiously
with Moschino boots
in Kangaroo leather up to my knee
a wrap of an image thrown over me
a me and not me
dichotomy

the look of shock when I walked in
him on the phone explaining
his friends jaw dropped
(or so his friends gf claimed)
he called it a breath of fresh air in smoky to to's
a ray of sunshine
time stopped everybody just froze
you looked misplaced in there he says to me
poor mis(s)fit, mis(s)matched, mis(s)understood me
(flash give me self pity)

my
rock of calm
in this restless sea of me
I cling to you
to your words, in my ears
to your picture, in my head
you're not here
yet
you're all over me
my comfort
my blanket of security

beautifully twisted he said
a high wire act said he
if that's you,
then the safety net bellow is me....

he sent me a pic of me @ vie....
(the night of the saree)

Tuesday is The new "Monday"
I'm convinced!!!!
really!!
Tuesday is The new "monday"

(Monday's over n done with, even has a song,
"tell me why I don't like mondays"
now its tuesday's turn)
Tuesday is worse than Monday

(don't shake your head yet!)
I mean, Monday, is like so totally over-rated these days

we're sleep walking thru Monday anyway
but Tuesday...
ahhhhh well tuesday's when we shake off the weekend
and find ourselves smack bang in the middle of the work week
(quelle horreur!!!!)
apres que
we're left longing....
Tuesday is too close to the week-end gone by
and too far away from the next week-end
(sigh!)
And that's why
Tuesday is the New Monday!!

oh no I don't like this plan
strung together stapled loosely
falling apart in my hand
a to do list tacked upon God's desk
gust of wind blew away
well intentioned, bad advice
no back up fail safe fool proof device
No one to blame I didn't blow it
Sorry said God I didn't know it

the eternal seeker
(in that way we're two of a kind)
seeking, sampling, searching
(with scathing self criticism)
asking the unanswerable,
the existential, the emotional

your weapon, your wit, a warrior with words
worldly wise, (all emotions disguised)
can you come to terms with your choices?
(your desires, your losses)
before the universe forces your hand
(what of pre-emptive strife, and forced stands)
on matters closed to discussion
I find myself asking again
where do I fit in?
in the true spirit of honest expression
one thing is constant, a small confession
(not discounting your best laid plans)
who's filling the spaces in your hand?

All you ever gave me (was tomorrow).

Why can't we forget?
We know better
But we still
Fall in love
No future
For us now
Is the only thing
That is truly real
And men and women
Like us
Should be what they seem
But that
Isn't always the way
Things happen
Sometimes regret
Is all that you have
And all I have to say
Is that
All you ever gave me
Was tomorrow

ERIK MAX FRANCIS

Snapped!

picture taken by one of my kids on their cellphone

while exiting school....

You Know I can't believe you do believe in serendipity

its really the power of the universe

working for you and me

and though you might act that way

say the things you never meant to say

Now I know you do agree

there's a greater purpose a destiny...

its like when he says "don't be so needy"

what he's saying is, "babie don't be needing me"

so I've been a bad blogger
and if : blogito ergo sum
then i wasn't in existence
lol
but I was
in a saree state
:)
cracking up in the picture
x-hosted
tres tired
blogger n out....

Sometimes all you need is a moment...just one split second
where the universe lifts the veils you wear,
the colored glassses and you catch a glimpse
of the reality you were too blind to see...
and in that moment, everything changes....
its like they say, don't verbalize it,
don't acknowledge its existence, you might jinx it
with your own evil eye
hush now, lest "nazaar lag jaye"
so we go from day to day afraid to acknowledge what we see
lest we're jinxing our destiny
using words like "its ok" "I'm fine" "c'est comme ci"
And if i were to alter this...
call it like it really is....
(I'm far too entrenched in my own fear to step out of the box)
"I bet you're wondering when the next
pay back shoe will eventually drop...
i bet you're wondering when my conditional
Police, will force you to cough up..."

And So am I....



Talkin to herself, theres no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears its gone...

Who said English is easy? fill in these blanks with YES or NO.....
1._______________ I don't have a brain.
2._______________ I don't have any sense.
3. _______________ I am stupid.

It was one of those perfect days, yesterday
Just purr fect
and last night couldn't have been better
(ok if we had c-shaped sofa maybe)
(or the piano man)
lol
posh italian dinner
candle light,him n me
clever conversation
and wine that went to my head
(or was it something he said)
memories of the night that had gone before...
the night when I decided, I wanted more...
(was it really two years ago/)
I can't believe how time has passed in a fly by
and I was living every moment
there I go again
being nostalgic about something
tha's not part of my past yet...